Paranoia Research

It's 4 in the morning.  I am having a hard time sleeping.  I often have a hard time sleeping the night before chemo.  (sometimes because I just don't care.  I know I'll be sleeping for the next 3 days straight, so eh... whatever) The topic of this evening's musings: I've started experiencing some symptoms that I had had right around the time that we surmise the tumor was getting  bigger.  (ie: January - May or so)  I won't get all gross and say exactly what they are.  But they are there, and I haven't had them since everything was jacked up before the surgery. There's this part of me that is wondering, "can cancer actually grow, spread, metastasize or whatever DURING chemo?"  According to my research... it can. (Bomb drop here)  This is probably why I chose not to research all this when it was just going down.  I got to read a bunch of statistics regarding my life expectancy, and they weren't that great.  I won't tell you what so I don't freak anyone out.  I also read that small bowel adenocarcinoma has  a tendency to not respond all that much to chemotherapy.  (bomb #2)  So, if doesn't respond well, then there seems a liklihood that my "highly aggressive form of adenocarcinoma" could have spread, even during the chemotherapy.  I know I am being paranoid.  One tends to be a little paranoid at 4 in the morning when they have had the symptoms I've had for the last week.  I really am sure that there is nothing to be worried about.  I'm sure I'm just having some sort of GI snafu that is totally fine, maybe even just a side effect of the chemo.  Still....   I kinda want them to do another PET scan just to be sure.  They probably won't.  But I want one.  My body is acting goofy, and last time it started acting goofy, I ignored it and it blew up in a mid-stage cancer.  Sooooo I think my paranoia is at least a little justified.  It's not like crazy lady paranoia.  Right?  I'd have to get a LOT more cats to qualify for that crazy lady...

I'm going to try and sleep.  I'll keep reciting Psalm 25 (or as much as I've memorized so far).  I've gotta get CRACKIN' on that thing so mom and I can move on to Psalm 27 (also a very good one).

T minus 13 hours, 53 minutes

It was a nice night.  My friend Katy put together a super informal "good luck tomorrow" party tonight.  It was just a few close friends, dinner, and "glee", but it rocked my world.  All day today, my stomach has been doing little flip-flops every time I think about tomorrow.  Solution: don't think about it.  As they say, it'll come whether I think about it or not.  (I'm not sure who "they" are, but I'm sure somebody says that...)  When the doctor first told me that he thought I might have cancer, I assured him that I was not freaking out (which I wasn't).  (and I wasn't because I feel like I was being prepared for the news for like a month beforehand).  The way I described it to Dr. Park, it wasn't like having a bomb dropped on me.  It was more like watching a tornado from really far away.  You can see it coming.  You can't get away from it.  All you can do is swallow, get ready, and hold onto something for dear life.  It isn't a shock necessarily, but it isn't not shocking either.  That's how I feel about tomorrow.  It's the same huge tornado that has been off in the distance, that I have watched get closer and closer. 

I really don't know what else to say about it. Flip flop goes the stomach...  Thank you everybody for all your love and support.  I may seem like I am handling all this well, but I honestly think it has a lot to do with how much love I have coming my way.  I guess next time you hear from me, I'll have a tube hooked up to my chest.

Oh yeah! I guess I could give the details. I go in tomorrow at 11:15.  They will hook me up to one chemical for 2 hours, and then a second one for another 2 hours, and then a third one that I'll take home with me for the next 44 hours.  So in essence, I'll be having the treatment for a full 48 hours.  After the 44 hours of the final chemical, I'll go back up to the hospital to be unhooked.  John is meeting me at work and taking me over to the hospital, and mom is meeting me at the hospital and taking me home to my parent's house for the next two days, so I can have someone home with me.  That's the plan so far anyway. Thank you God for family!!

Update: PET scan and results to come back this Wednesday

I've got my appointment for the PET scan tomorrow super early in the morning.  This is the test where they look to see if there is any other cancer in the body.  For the most part, I feel that I have taken most everything in stride.  I haven't had too much worry or anxiety.  This is the one exception.  This one test is big enough to decide pretty much my whole fate at this point.  (I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but that's kinda how it is).  For the first time, I am scared.  And part of me feels like I'm being silly because there is no reason to stress before I even know anything.  As the doctor has said, there is absolutely no reason to think that the cancer is anywhere else because it wasn't in the lymph nodes. My mind knows this, but yet I am still afraid. 

I wanted to ask a request from those of you who I know believe in God.  I won't ask anyone to do this again, and I wouldn't ask now unless I felt it was super important.  But, my request is for two things: 1 is prayer (duh!) But the second is for fasting.  If anyone feels led, could you please fast for me during this time as this test is THE most important one?  Please pray that there not be any cancer anywhere else in my body. 

For those of you who do not believe in God, I still thank you for walking with me through this journey.  You thoughts are felt over here, and you are also such a huge part in making me feel like I can handle this whole thing.  I love you so much.

So, after the PET scan comes the longest day and a half of my life.  At 2:30 Wednesday, I meet with Dr. Le to discuss the results. I was planning on trying to go to work Wednesday.  However, knowing what I do now, as in what test results I'll be hearing about, I don't think there is any way possible to just concentrate on work before hand. 

So, that is the update as of now.