Chemo postpones again AAARRRRGG!!

I had high hopes for this one.  I wasn't feeling too "knocked on my butt" lately, and I haven't been bleeding for about a week, so naturally I thought my blood was up and my platelets were fine.  I went in for fluids today, and it turns out that my numbers are worse than they have ever been.  My white blood count is the lowest its ever been (risk of infections), my hemoglobin is about 3 pints low, and my platelets, good heavens!  42!  (normal = 130-500)  This makes me think that the Lord is for SURE watching over  me and my blood.  Every time I've dipped below 60, I've had crazy bleeding sessions (from my nose, from the pin prick where they stick my port).  So, the fact that I haven't been bleeding makes me think that the Lord is supernaturally holding my blood together, because it for SURE shouldn't be!  Thank you daddy:)  And even though my blood (hemoglobin) is low, I haven't felt that whole "pass out weak" feeling.  Of course, maybe I just haven't noticed it because I've been all rolling around sneezing, sniffling, running, crying, scratching my eyeballs out instead.  It's actually made me question if I might actually prefer nausea over these allergies.  (of course I say that NOW...)

I felt really great after getting fluids today.  I got two bags because I figure I'm pretty dehydrated seeing as it's all coming out my nose.  (yummy!  Better than blood though, am I right?!?!)  I think those two bags helped a lot.  Oh!  And I've noticed an improvement in my chemo brain since they took down my dose of oxylaplatin last time!  I had my first intellectual conversation in MONTHS on Sunday!  It was positively thrilling.  (It's the first time my brain has been able to track with more than small talk and banter.)  So that's good too.  With all my extra energy today, I did about 5 loads of laundry.  I'm pretty proud of myself right now.  I feel downright domestic like!

I'm rescheduled to try again on Monday, so please be praying that my blood would get a swift kick in the pants by then.

Doing much better than last round

Well, I am pleased to say that I am doing a lot better than the last round.  I think this is mainly due to them taking my oxaliplatin down 25%.  It's amazing what that little 25% does!  It is the difference between feeling miserable, hopeless, and defeated vs... well, less miserable but hopeful.  I didn't think it was physically or psychologically possible to go through two more of what it was like last time.  But now, even though I'm not looking forward to it, I feel like "Yeah. It's all good.  I can take one more. " One more folks!!!  Can you believe it?!?!?!  Why, it only feels like a million years since I got diagnosed!  This time has just flown by, like a snail on a turtles back (while sitting atop a truck on 635 during rush hour)!  Haha!

As for levels, I'm not sure what they are right now.  My lovely, wonderful, giving, amazing aunt who always takes me in on Mondays had to attend to her own mother going into the hospital this week.  (We're praying for y'all Urla!)  So, I didn't get to have my blood taken.  I think I'm doing OK though.  I'm having some bleeding, but it's not out of control, which tells me that I'm at LEAST in the 60's.  (Usually, in the 50's is where I can't clot).  I've been eating my pineapple faithfully every day.  I am really hoping that I still like pineapple when this is all over and done with.  I already know that I sorta relate belgium waffles and potatoes to cancer.  ( I used to treat myself to belgium waffles right before chemo every other week.  I no longer have ANY craving for them.  And I had to subsist on potatoes for a good month or two around when I first got diagnosed)  So, I hope that my feelings for pineapple will not follow in the way of Pavlovian response.  I am scheduled for my next chemo a week from today.  I will make sure that someone has my video camera app open when the staff comes in singing and bringing me balloons to celebrate the last chemo.  It will be posted and I will have a big goofy grin on my face.  (granted, that will partially be from the adivan... weeeeeee!!!!) 

Thank you for all of you who have brought food, and thank you again to my mom.  If nothing else, I think this whole experience has shown me what it looks like to serve someone else completely and selflessly.  Both she and my husband have gone so far above and beyond what I ever thought possible.  I am truly blessed. 

So, with all that cancer crap out of the way, I can move on to being truly miserable from ALL THE FRIGGIN' POLLEN!!!!  I mean, holy cow!!  Is there anyone else out there who has been a snotty mess all week?  I have just stayed inside, and kept all the doors and windows CLOSED.  I have even doubled up on allergy pills (which I don't think you are technically supposed to do...) and even THEN my eyes have been all red, and my nose tickling and runny.  I can literally see a green dust all over the stuff on our porch.  Here's a gorgeous picture to remind people how beautiful I am, even on my worse days...

Aren't I lovely?  Thank you Texas pollen!!!

Yes, Chemo has commenced

 So, I went in yesterday feeling pretty crummy.  I had dreams all night that I couldn't get chemo because I had a stomach virus.  I was probably just feeling nauseous in my sleep and it translated over to my dreams. As gung ho as I was about wanting to get it done, I actually felt OK if I didn't get it yesterday, just because I felt so ick.  They took my blood and the numbers came back and I was still 5 points below the cutoff for platelets.  However, Dr. Le said that they could do a little compromise and cut one of my drugs (oxylaplatin? I have no idea how to spell that...) down to 75% of the normal dose.  This is the drug that really takes a toll on me and has been the cause of most of the problems associated with the chemo so far.  


John and I were asking the Dr. how necessary these last two sessions were.  Really?  10? 12?  What's the difference.  My body just can't take this anymore.  She said that usually she started taking down the oxylaplatin usually on round 9 (two rounds ago) but she hadn't done it with me because she wanted to be aggressive as possible, and because I'm so young.  I think they just kinda wait for you to cry uncle, and then taper accordingly.  UNCLE!!!  UNCLE!!!  My cries were heard, and I'm going through round 11, looking forward to round 12 being the LAST!!!!  There's a possibility of cutting out the oxylaplatin completely the last round.  That would rock.  That would make a very happy Hillary.  


So, that's the news for now.  I'm hooked up, and feeling icky and sore, but not as bad as when I have the full dose.  The real test will be the next couple of weeks.  That's when I really bore the worst of it last time.  All I can do is wait...  


 "26 it is good to wait quietly 
   for the salvation of the LORD. ²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
   while he is young."... 

31For no one is cast off
   by the Lord forever. ³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
   so great is his unfailing love. ³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction
   or grief to anyone.

Lamentations 3:26-27;31-33

Good and bad news

I know I haven't posted in a while.  But I have a good reason!  I really don't like to post unless I can say something positive.  And honestly, these last few weeks I couldn't.  When does posting about feeling like crap go from "informative" to just making people wallow with you in your misery?  There really is no point.  So, the good news, is that I'm feeling OK for the first time in WEEKS!  I guess the other good news, if you choose to look at it this way, is that God believes in me and thinks I'm WAY stronger than I do.  They say God won't give you more than you can handle, and I do not feel like I can handle anymore.  Yet, here I am!  So... I guess thank you God for thinking so... highly of me?  haha!

So, the bad news is that my numbers aren't up.  I was going to try and switch my chemo to today (monday) because I feel like this last round was so bad that I just want to get it friggin' OVER with.  I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and squash me and I'm like "Just SQUASH me already!"  This waiting for it is insanity inducing.  As it is, I couldn't have done it today even if they could have fitted me in.  My hemoglobin has only gone up by like .1 or .2.  This is even after they gave me the "miracle" shot that last time made my blood jump 2 pints in a day and a half.  This one has had a week and it's only gone up by the aforementioned (miniscule) amount.  I've had a lot of abdominal pain these last few weeks and there is a large part of me that feels strongly that I'm bleeding somewhere.  It may be a slow bleed, maybe not even enough to show up in the stool.  But all I know is that I've been hurting, and my blood is not replenishing, so do the math...  Of course, that is mere speculation at this point.  Even though my blood level is low, it is still "technically" high enough to get the chemo.  It's my platelets (those durn' platelets!!!) that are still low.  We knew for a fact last week that they were low because I couldn't stop bleeding from the little pin prick I got getting fluids.  Usually it's just a tiny spot of blood.  Last Wednesday, it soaked through 4 layers of gauze AND my sweater!  Not a good sign... At least today, it was still only a pinprick of blood.  However, the platelets are still at 62 (norm = 140-400).  The very minimum I need is 80.  This is the exact same thing that made us have to postpone last time.  I do NOT want to postpone again!!  Getter' dun!!!  That's what I want.  John and I are going to have a serious talk with Dr. Le about how "necessary" these last two sessions really are, because I feel like my body can't take anymore.  We'll see how that conversation goes... We'll be in to see her on Wednesday and hopefully get chemo.  I'll keep you updated on if that actually happens or not.

As for blood though, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.  BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!"  Haha!  (Just a little hospital humor for you there folks.)

2:28 am, and still awake

This usually happens.  The night before chemo, I have a hard time getting to sleep.  There is this real conflict of... something... emotions probably, but it feels like a blend of thoughts and emotions.  Maybe it's the chaos as my brain tries to break up a fight between my positive and negative emotions, and thus my brain joins the fray.  Whatever it is, it is fairly predictable.  John caught onto it a lot earlier than I did.  Sometimes I'd be cranky.  Other times I'd be all emotional.  Either way, John knew that he was going to have to take a deep breath and whether the storm, whatever that might be for the night.  It was a lot better for us once he gently gently brought this to my attention.  (It was probably prompted by me saying some thing like "What is wrong with me tonight?!?  I feel so... so... so something.  Anxious or something..." To which he probably wrapped me in his arms and said "Yeah, I've come to expect that the night before chemo".  me: "What? I do this every time?" John: "Yup.")  So there you have it.  Mystery kinda solved.

Unfortunately knowing the source and the cause doesn't necessarily make it go away.  There's that part of me that is praying that all my gorging on pineapples has lifted my platelet levels, and I'll be able to do chemo tomorrow.  The good news will be: I don't have to delay chemo more!  The bad news will be: I have to do chemo now.  Ewwww... Me no likey.  BUT BUT BUT!!!  The really good news (best case scenario) is that if I can do chemo tomorrow (technically it's "today" but I don't consider tomorrow today until I've actually gone to sleep and woken up.) So, chemo tomorrow, and then Dr. Le could possibly say "We'll do a week and a half gap instead of 2 weeks, and do your chemo next Wednesday".  This would put me back on track without any delays.  At that point, after that one that is a mere week and half away from now, I will only have ONE MORE SESSION!!!  Tomorrow is third to last.  After I'm done with that one, there there are only two more!  And after that next one, there is only ONE more!!!!!!  That's totally doable.  I think it is anyways.

So, no deep thoughts tonight.  Just a dance of anxiety and hope.  It's a rather elegant dance though, if I do say so myself:)

Prayer!! Need prayer!!!

Hello everyone!  Ok, here's the situation.  I felt like I was gonna pass out for the last 5 days or so.  I had just gotten an infection and was wondering if that was the reason, or if my blood was low.  The answer is yes.  Yes to both.  The infection apparently can take a toll on a chemo patient and can make you feel like death.  (Check...)

On a positive note, my hemoglobin levels were low, but not that low.  They met the minimum requirement of what is needed to proceed with chemo.  (they were at least 2 pints higher than what they were last time we had this little crisis)  HOWEVER... my platelets... my platelets are tanked even lower than last time.  The average range is between 130-400, and mine is registering at 52.  Yikes!!!  (Thank God I haven't had any nosebleeds again though or gotten any cuts, or I'm sure my hemoglobin would also be way low!)  The problem with this is that there is a minimum requirement for both hemoglobin and platelets in order to proceed with chemo for the week.  I DO NOT WANT TO MISS CHEMO AGAIN!!!  I do not want to put my ending date back ANOTHER week!!!!  The minimum that my platelets need to be in order to be deemed "healthy enough for chemo" is 80.  Please, please, please, please pray that my platelets would get up to the minimum within the next day and a half.  (Shoot!  Pray that they get up to the normal range!  Dream big, right?) I can't stress how much I don't want to delay another week.

I'm honestly not stressing all that much about it, because whenever I have put something out here for people to pray for, I have usually seen almost immediate results.  God is good, and He listens to the prayers of His people.  I feel ABSOLUTELY confident that He will do this.  However, even if He chooses not to, I praise the name of my God because He is good.  (say it with me!  "The Lord is good" "When?" "All the time")  I love the prayer of Job.  "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord".  Here's my song for the day.  For those of you who were at my wedding, this was the song that John and I walked out with, right after our big fantastic smooch.  Please forgive the graphics.  There's no way to get a Christian song without seriously cheesy graphics.  Just listen and read the lyrics and chuckle to yourself at the graphics:)

 (Blessed be the name of the Lord by Matthew Redman)

(Also, I want to give a shout out to some super awesome people who have been blessing me like crazy!  (Of course my parents) Thank you to my cousin Mary who actually canceled a work appointment to take me into the hospital last Thursday when I was feeling so sick.  Thanks to my other cousin Mandy for actually sitting through two bags of fluid with me.  Thank you to some people from John's school (I'm not sure who...), Abby, Katy, and Stephanie for some awesome meals.  And a huge thank you to my bff Jenise who actually came over to help me clean (Ok, she did most of it while I layed on the couch and cried on John.  But I helped some!).  Not only did she do it, but she expressed LOVING it the whole time!  (She's kinda a freak like that.  Of course, one of her reasons for loving it was she loved being able to actually see such a difference while doing it.  It gave her a sense of accomplishment.  It game me a sense of shame.  Haha!)

Low blood, no chemo, yay crutches...

Well, it's been an interesting week.  It was nice having John home so much.  4 snow days in a row!! Crazy!  I was having some pretty serious trouble with nose bleeds.  (is that one word?  Nosebleed?)  I've never really had them before, but I just couldn't get it to stop!  I called my doctor, but I don't think she really understood how much blood I was talking about.  Needless to say, I was feeling pretty weak.  I really wanted to get my blood levels checked to see how much I had lost, but I couldn't really get around in the snow and ice (especially not all the way over to Plano).  So, I just waited till today when I was going in to get fluids.  As expected, it was low.  Apparently I lost like 2-3 pints!  Crazy!  (still not as low as when I had the big fat tumor though!) I was expecting maybe a pint, pint and a half.  My platelets were also around half of what they should be.  (The nurse said she'd seen much lower, so that's good.  Well, I guess not good for that person, but good that I'm not horrifically low.) Dr Lee said that was probably why clotting was a problem, since platelets are involved in the body's clotting response, and that's why I couldn't get it to stop.  So, I guess with the numbers so low, at least I don't feel like I am just a wimp for being so tired!!  I showed the nurse some of my lovely pictures of how much blood I was losing.  I felt very reassured to hear that she had seen similar before.  As long as somebody tells me that it's normal, I'm happy.  So, anyways there is a certain level of blood and blood platelets that you have to have in order to be consider "healthy" enough to do chemo, and unfortunately I don't make the cut this week:(  I'll have to wait till next week which doesn't thrill me because that means that chemo will trickle over into beginning of April.  It really is amazing though that it's taken me this long to get to that point!  I know of lots of people who have had this problem way earlier on in their treatments, so I still consider myself lucky. 

Oh!  Ha!!  And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again.  I'm such a pathetic mess!!  Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:)  It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap!  About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year.  I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas...  I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes.  A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming!  Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out.  Maybe this'll help?

Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately.  That has made a world of difference!  Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer.  It really makes a difference.  It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here.  Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:

 ¹⁹For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. ²⁰And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. ²¹And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)

 Amen!!

My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book!  It's right about the level I can handle right now.  I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind.  So, I guess that's the update for today!

If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is.  Pray that my blood numbers would get up.  Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining.  (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill.  It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John.  I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband.  He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself.  AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams.  He is such a mighty man.  I am in awe.  But he could really use some encouragement and energy.  I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night.  It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients.  I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot.  It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal?  Is that normal?  Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of.  That's all for now!  As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer. 

Another tough round, but I'm tougher (at least that's what I keep telling myself!)

Wow.  Well... they're getting tougher.  Lucky for me, tougher doesn't mean nausea though.  More like I just got hit with a dump truck.  A big one:)  I feel so thankful for my mom, who just lets me sleep, wakes me up to eat and drink, and then lets me go back to sleep.  Usually, it has been an up and down, but I've still managed to maybe run a few errands with mom.  Maybe go out for lunch, play some scrabble.  This round,  I was pretty much unconscious till Friday. I perked up a little on Saturday, but was running a temp of about 100.

Sunday was so awesome.  I still couldn't do much and stayed in bed, but I have the most awesome friends who will come to me when I can't get out.  My friend Katy came and layed in bed with me and watched Disney's "Oceans" (definitely not as good as their previous "Earth" movie).  Then, Jenise (who leads worship at church) came over and did a little private worship session with/for me (since I couldn't make it to church).  It was so amazing.  I love to hear her sing and play the guitar, and I hope I didn't ruin it too much when I sang with her.  :)

Today, I went to get fluids like I do every Monday.  I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but my Aunt Urla has been taking me to the hospital every single Monday to get fluids.  I feel so lucky and so blessed, and I really feel like I'll look back on our time with fondness because when will I ever get to spend so much time with her, just the two of us again?  Never, that's when!  God just brings family and friends when you most need them, and turns it into this amazing time of blessing. 

God has been really working on my heart in the areas of contentment.  I love our little apartment.  It is great.  It is small.  Really small.  But that hasn't bothered me at all... until I've had to be in it all day every day.  Then it feels REALLY small.  And really cluttered.  So, I've been "fantasizing" about maybe moving into a larger place, maybe renting a little house nearby.  But the thing is, it will of course will cost a little bit more.  I can't remember if I've shared this yet (another side effect of chemo.  I'm turning into that weird aunt who tells you the same story over and over...), but I've got a little miracle that is happening on a daily/monthly basis.  I will scream it from the rooftops because God is so good, and that is how much He is providing for us financially.  I liken it to the story in I Kings 17, where Elijah has been in the wilderness and there was like 3 years with no rain, and he comes upon a widow and asks her to make him some bread, and she tells him that she has enough for pretty much one loaf.  So, he tells her to make him one anyway.  Well, here's the relevant passage:

¹⁴ For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’”  ¹⁵ She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. ¹⁶ For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.

So, I don't liken myself to Elijah.  And I'm not a widow (thank you Lord Jesus!!!).  But I'll tell you something: our financial situation does NOT make sense.  John and I have made a very pointed decision not to look too closely into the numbers, because we KNOW that they will not add up.  We aren't spending frivolously, but we aren't living off of ramen noodles either.  In some magical way, we have kept our previous lifestyle (for the most part), and are doing it off of half the income.  Less than half even!!  AND we are still putting a little into savings every month!!  My friends, this is an act of God.  There really is no other explanation.  And every time I think about it, I have to bow to my God in recognition that I really am not worthy of such a gift, but that I recognize it, thank Him, and very willingly accept it. 

So, here is where the whole "contentment" thing comes in.  WHO THE HECK DO I THINK I AM?!!  I am receiving this amazing bounty from the Lord, providing for all our needs (AND even a few date nights!), and here I am fantasizing and wanting more?!?  A bigger place?!?!  We shouldn't be able to afford what we have now based on the fact that I'm not working.  How dare I!!  It's one of those things where I'm catching myself, and then I fall on my knees in shame because if I were God, I'd be all "Well fine!!  What I'm doing isn't good enough for ya, then I'll just let you see what it's like without it!".  He'll just take his ball and go home!  But luckily, we serve a merciful God who is kind to ungrateful children such as we.  And so every time I am tempted to look on craigslist "just to see what's out there", I stop myself, ask the Lord to forgive me for taking his provision for granted, and then thank Him for what He has provided. I won't say it isn't a struggle.  But honestly, if you aren't "struggling" with anything, then it probably means you've given in to everything.  So I sit in our little apartment, and revel in how peaceful it is. 

So sorry it's been so long!!!

Wow.  When was my last post??  It's been... well I don't know if I can even call it busy or full... couple of weeks.  Much of my time since my last post has been exactly how the last post sounded: I was not "bouncing back".  But I'll talk about that in a bit.  I'll share first about good things, like my Christmas and New Years!

One of my favorite people, my uncle Graham, flew down to be with us for Christmas and it was epic:)  This Christmas was the first time John and I have actually BEEN with people.  Usually, as per Morgan family tradition, Thanksgiving is Morgan time and Christmas is all the various in-law's time.  However, my "in-laws" (John's family) all work on Christmas.  (They are so awesome.  My mother-in-law is a nurse, and she chooses to work all the major holidays to give the younger staff with young children a chance to be with their families.  Isn't she awesome?) So John and I usually fly to South Carolina just after Christmas.  Well, since I can't travel this year, Mom and Dad decided to not travel to Colorado to be with my sister and her boys.  I feel very loved.  Ergo, John's and my FIRST Christmas not alone!  I was able to delay chemo during the Christmas week, and pick it back up on Monday.  (this last monday)

I have been up and down.  I have definitely had a lot more exhaustion than in previous times, and unfortunately some nausea (but not really bad nausea.  A very manageable amount of nausea.).  A lady sitting across from me at chemo this week said that during her first trip through chemotherapy (this is her second time through), was like "a walk in the park" for the first half, and then BOOM!  Somewhere around the 6th round it nailed her.  So, it seems I'm somewhat par for the course:)  Another lady I talked to weeks ago had had a horrible time the whole way through and just wanted to positively die from nausea (until she discovered acupuncture).  So, I know my journey has been a very blessed one!

Yesterday, new year's eve (am I supposed to capitalize that?) I made sure to take lots of naps, and take my vitamins late in the day, in an attempt to make sure that I could stay up till midnight and be somewhat energetic doing so.  So, when I got there, I also had a coke, to help ensure it.  BOY DID IT EVER!  Yup.  I was awake till midnight!  And 1... and 2... all the way till 5 in the morning!  (I was not OUT till 5, I was just awake till 5.  I got home at a very respectable time for new years eve standards).  A bunch of friends and I had a small little shin-dig at a friends house.  It was awesome.  It was lovely to be with a bunch of people that I know and loved, and not a bunch of strangers hoping to not go home alone.  Ewwww.... We ate, we played games, we danced, we made s'mores!  It was wonderful.  Here's a pic of some of my favorite girls (minus Jenise of course, who is in Michigan.  Damn Yankee...)

While I'm at it, I'll add some pics of the tacky sweater party John and I went to at our church.  Warning: some images will be very disturbing! (namely the ones of John)

Well, I need to go cheer on my Frogs in the Rose Bowl, but I'll post more later!

This round was a little rougher

Well, I am now back home at the apartment.  I stayed at my parents house a few days longer than usual.  (I have to give a shout out to Melanie Newton who picked me up from chemo and stayed with me the rest of the day at my parents house till they got home.) The chemo hit me a bit harder this round than past rounds.  I was in bed pretty much all of Friday and all of Saturday.  Still though, no nausea!!!  (or at least not much)  So there are NO complaints on this end!  I  can handle all the lethargy you can throw at me.  Just don't give me the nausea, and we're good. 

I was at lunch with John and my parents today.  Towards the end, my hands did their cramp thing, which made me laugh (because they look so ridiculous!) and Mom joined in the fun and started doing "the claw" at me, because they kinda look like that.  (For those of you who have seen "Liar, Liar")  Thanks Mom for mocking my pain:) Later, when I was on my bed, my foot did a really awesome cramp, and made the toes on my right foot give the "live long and prosper" star-trek symbol.  It was fantastic.  I could have never done that on purpose.  I really do have to take those pills like clockwork 3 times a day, or else my body starts doing all sorts of party tricks. 

I'm planning on taking this week sorta easy.  I feel better, but I still feel a little wiped out.  Thank you Lord that I have time, and the ability, and permission and the means to rest! Pretty much anything that I consider hard/difficult in my life, I always remind myself that there are single moms out there doing the same thing, and it blows my mind and reminds me of how "easy" I have it. 

Quick update: double yay!

I just got back from the hospital and from chemo for today.  I want to go lay down.  BUT before I do, I'll give you super duper quick overview of how awesome the appointment was today!  Double good news: 1) The PET scan was clear!!  No malignancies! 2) There was a friggin' huge ruptured ovarian cyst.  That was their original thought, and then they went to "Naw, it's just a side effect of the chemo" to which i said "Oh great, so this will probably happen again...".  But NO!!  Huge cyst.  Big rupture.  Lots of pain.  But probably not going to happen again!  Yay!!  I'll go into more details a bit later.  Right now, I have a bed calling my name.

Such a nice break!

I was making plans with John for this weekend to put up all the Christmas decorations.  He got them all out this last weekend, but I was feeling pretty poopy for much of it.  (I eventually had to just give myself sleeping pills on Sunday to knock myself out.  It worked.  I slept all day and all night and I feel much better.)  It was so funny though, because after we had made all these plans, about a couple of hours later I started laughing because I remembered "I've got chemo this week!"  The funny part wasn't the fact that I remembered I had chemo THIS week.  The funny part was that I had forgotten I had chemo ever.  I looked at John and said "I don't know what I was thinking, duh, I won't be able to do the Christmas stuff with you this weekend!"  He looked at me confused and was finally like "Uh... why?"  And I was all "Um... I've got cancer?"  He busted out laughing and said "Ohhhh yeeaahhh...".  All this to say, we have gotten pretty spoiled by this 3 week break.  It probably helps that I have tons of energy right now.  Really?!?!  My body had to wait till almost midnight to get a ton of energy?!?  Where was it all this weekend, huh?  Stupid body...

Anyways, it was nice to have a break from all drama, even if it was only in mind and for a few hours:)  (and John's too)  And just to think!!  I'll have a 3 week break after this one too!  Then back to the grind... (the grind as in every other week again)

Chemo postponed, PET scan done

So, I had my PET scan this morning.  I had stress dreams allllll night about it last night.  It was ri-di-cu-lous.  Needless to say, I was super tired.  But, the technician said (after I probed pretty hard) that if anything was there, it wasn't big enough to be obvious to him.  So, that has me placated for a while, at least until my appointment with Dr. Le. 

I had rescheduled my chemo to be closer to the PET scan time, so we didn't have hours of lag in between.  However, there was a snafu in communication with the receptionist.  She had called me back right after I rescheduled to say that since the PET scan results wouldn't be back in time, and Dr. Le didn't want to meet with me until the PET scan results were in (maybe "technically" couldn't meet with me until then?) that we would have to reschedule my doctor's appointment.  However, I didn't understand that the doctor's appointment and the chemo were a package deal; I can't do one without the other.  So, I showed up thinking I was going to just go straight into chemo and skip the doctor's appointment (which I normally have right before chemo).  But, I found out otherwise.  Part of me is annoyed, because I don't want to stretch the 6 months out (and because it throws off my schedule for next week).  Part of me is relieved because I have still been very weak this past week ever since the whole sickness last Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  So, I guess this will give me extra time to build up my stamina.  I was worried that this would throw off my schedule to make Christmas week a chemo week, but they said that we could skip that week.  So I'll be feeling REALLY good for Christmas!  I feel bad that I made mom come all the way down for the chemo and then just drive me back to my apartment though.  Coulda woulda shoulda.  At least I'll be feeling good for John's birthday! 

PET scan rescheduled

So, I rescheduled the PET scan for tomorrow, which I am really "excited" about because I REALLY don't like what my body has been doing.  There's about 5 different things that all mimic EXACTLY what was going on at the beginning of the year, and I don't like it.  I don't like it one bit.  I do NOT feel comfortable with it.  I will feel much more comfortable after getting the scan done, and having it come back clear, and having them say to me "Oh, all that really is just side effects of the chemo.  That, and you probably still have a food allergy.  THAT'S the pain you are feeling!"  To which I will reply "Great!  Thanks!  Yeah, I knew it was probably nothing.  I just wanted to make sure.  So, how do I test for food allergies?"  This is the conversation that I am planning on having.  Not another one.

I go in at 7:15 tomorrow for the PET scan, and I'll probably be out by 9ish.  I rescheduled chemo for 10, so that John and I didn't have a long break in between the scan and chemo.  I think I want to schedule all my chemo for 10 anyways.  I only did it for so late in the day before because I was still teaching.  It'll make it much easier to drive home NOT in rush hour traffic.

OH!!!  And everybody make sure to send John birthday wishes Thursday!  He finally catches up with me and turns 31!  I am SUCH a cougar...

Really sick

This week has been a week of extremes.  Wednesday was the worst pain I've been in so far, the weekend has been the best after chemo time I've had so far, and now, starting yesterday, I am the sickest I have been so far.  It is like my post-chemo days have gotten switched, and I'm feeling like it is the day after, but much worse.  Yesterday, last night, and today I have been fighting a fever.  This morning, I had the quintessential scene of laying on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet.  I had to post-pone my PET scan, which I really didn't want to do.  Right now, I'm wondering if I am even going to be able to make it out with my family for Thanksgiving.  It is going to really suck if I can't.  Thanksgiving, in my opinion, is absolute sacred Morgan time.  It is always the time when we have the whole clan together.  Please pray that this fever and this nausea go away.  I feel horrible.

So far so good!

I was really worried about this round since last round was such a beast.  But I am doing much better this time!  Mom's friend told her about this vitamin juice stuff (some sort of Mangosteen) and that he had started taking it and gone off coffee a year ago, and it just made him feel so much better. So of COURSE mom had to get some:)  She gave me some twice yesterday and started making comments on how much more energy I had.  Then when I got up today, she gave me some more.  I don't THINK there's any caffeine in it.  But even if there was, I think I would just feel as crappy as I did before but just awake and jittery.  I am sleepy, I walk like frankenstein because of the muscles in my legs, and I'll have to stop doing tasks because I suddenly lose function in my thumbs or pinkies.  You'd have to see it happen to laugh and realize that it's kinda funny.  It just sounds sad over words on the internet. (Martha, tee hee!) But all in all, doing much better this time.  (knock on wood...) I am not catatonic, I can speak at a semi normal speed.  I am up and about (which I was NOT last time).  So, praises to God all around!  And thank ya'll for praying:)

Oh, and some specific things for prayer: My white blood count is going down, which means my vulnerability to illness is going up.  (ie: immune system starting to tank)  It's not like, crazy bad right now, but low enough for them to have to give me some big fat shot on Friday when I go in to get unhooked.  And apparently the shot is supposed to make me super sore all over, because it is doing something to my bone marrow?  So, let's just ask the Lord is we can keep that to a minimum:)  But even if it isn't.  Even if it is the worst pain than I've ever had, BLESSED be the name of the Lord.

This week in chemo

I apologize for not updating sooner.  I really need to have John or my Mom give an update on weeks like this.  I went in for chemo on Wednesday, and it's been a groggy blur since.  When I was getting the chemo, they gave me a drug for nausea that was pretty powerful.  I remember sitting there talking to the people around me, and then felt the drug hit.  I had to excuse myself, layed down in my chair, and just went to sleep.  When it was time to leave, I was still so woozy that they had to wheel me out.  The next day, I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck.  I could barely crack my eyes open as mom came in and out making sure that I was well hydrated and fed.  When I tried to walk, my calf muscles seized up.  I'm discovering a somewhat painful, somewhat comical side effect of the chemo.  I am having muscles cramp up really bad.  In my calves, and in the right arch of my foot, it is painful.  The fact that it also targets JUST my thumbs though, is kinda funny.  My thumbs keep contracting so that they move towards my palm (like you were signaling the number 4).  I was sitting there trying to use the remote control, and I couldn't!  I couldn't move my thumbs.  Come on, you have to admit that that's kinda funny:)

Anyways, when I went back in on Friday to get unhooked, they had to wheel me back up, because there was no way I could walk that far.  Daniel, one of the men who is always there at the same time as me, told me how he had had the same thing with the chemo drug that we are both on.  Dr. Le came in and said that yes, that was something that happened to some people, and gave me a prescription for it.  Apparently, it doesn't have anything to do with your muscles per say.  It is more a nerve thing, where the nerves are firing electrical impulses to contract the muscles.  The medicine helps counteract that.  It also makes you really sleepy.  Most the medicines I have make me really sleepy, so I am trying to take them only when I need them.

I am feeling a bit better today.  I took the nerve/muscle drug last night and it seems to have helped.  Everyone is gone today, so my friend Diana has come over the "babysit" me:)  I am loved.

Day 2 of Chemo

So, they gave me that sexy little fanny pack to take home that had the 3rd chemical in it that was to drip for 44 hours.  Again, it hasn't been horrible, but it hasn't been great either.  I haven't had to wait all that long to see what the side effects are going to be: namely muscle aches.  Its hard to describe, but it's just this ache all over, like they are soaking up the chemicals or something, which I'm sure is what is going on.  It's not unbearable.  I couldn't get to sleep last night till after 4 because of it, but I'll just take the pain meds earlier this time:)

I also had my first "getting sick in public" episode.  As mom said, I almost "christened" the Culver's. (Culver's is her and my dad's favorite burger joint.)  But it was small, and again not unbearable.  So far, I am very very pleased at how not miserable I am.  That is good.  It means that I am keeping my spirits up, and not letting it get me down.  That's a big deal for me, because it usually doesn't take much to get me down (as my husband can attest to).  But, today's not that day.

I'll go get unhooked tomorrow.

And the hair cut is OK.  Not my favorite, but much better than the mop I was sportin'.  I probably just need to style it myself.  Well!  That's the wrap up for today!

Day 1 of Chemo

Well, all in all, not too bad today.  The day started out fine.  One of my kids did something that kinda worked a number on me temporarily.  He's not a bad kid.  He doesn't know what is going on, so this wasn't on purpose.  Sometimes he just gets in moods where he doesn't want to work, and he'll start saying random answers like "pineapple", "blueberry" when they have nothing to do with the topic.  Today, suddenly he randomly made a cancer "joke".  (not really a joke, but a light-hearted comment of some sort).  Normally I'm pretty jovial and smiley, but I felt everything suddenly drain away, and I said softly "Don't make jokes about cancer."   He still looked a little defiant and said "Cancer kills, man."  I got even more soft and serious and said "I know."  I  think he could tell something was up at that point.  And unlike some 16 year olds in other schools, he didn't take advantage of seeing the teacher get upset and then try to keep poking at it for fun.  It was nice to see that he was sensitive enough to realize "Holy crap, something is up.  Don't bring up cancer again".  He probably just thinks that someone close to me has it or had it.  He didn't act up for the rest of the class.  I could feel myself start to tear up at one point (we were about 20 minutes away from me leaving for chemo).  I just had to excuse myself temporarily and collect myself.  I never fully got my game back, but thankfully it happened in the last 20-30 minutes of class, and not in like, the first 5 minutes.  (We have 2 hour sessions)

John met me at school, and took me to the hospital where mom was waiting for me.  Then, like the amazing husband he is, he went out to get me a "last meal" of sorts: all sorts of fantastic-ness from "On the Border".  Salsa, chips, enchiladas with sour cream sauce, some kind of gordita... He is awesome.  Dr. Le met with us for a little while to tell me what to be expecting.  My friend Anne has been going through chemo, and she said that they had told her to expect the nausea and side effects to start on day 11, which they did.  Unfortunately, I don't get quite that much lag time.  Dr. Le said I should be feeling them by tomorrow, if not tonight.  I already have started feeling the cold sensitivity.  It's hard to describe, but it is an interesting sensation.  It's actually kinda cool feeling.  I'm sure the  novelty will wear off.

When they put me in the back with all the chemo patients, they hooked up my port, and then the lady said "Now, this might make you a little bit sleepy..."  Aaaaaaaand that's the last thing I remember for about 2 hours.  Ha!  I think I needed a nap.  I think my sleep's been a little spotty lately.  Can't imagine why... When I woke up, I still had about 2 hours left, so I was able to talk to a close friend from Hawaii that I had lost touch with, and then played some words with friends with Mom.

I'm back at her and Dad's place right now.  She and I were just watching some TV, when all of a sudden I could feel the queasiness starting to descend.  I don't think it is too bad yet.  I took one of the less powerful anti-nausea pills so I can save the big-guns for when it is getting really bad.  I'll keep them by my bed tonight, just in case.  I think I'm going to go to Mom's Bible study tomorrow, since all the women supposedly want to meet/see me.  THEN!!  Mom is being awesome by taking me all the way to Fort Worth to have this one place give me a hair cut.  I haven't had one in over a year.  They are the best salon I've ever been to hands down (It's called "Cut Hair Salon" in Fort Worth) They are amazing)  I want to get a little bit better cut because.... Yay!   A photographer friend of mine from Fort Worth is going to do a shoot for John and me.  We haven't had any photos done since our wedding, so I figure now is the best time.  I also wants some pictures of me before I start looking all scary-like.  So, that's the motivation for the new 'do.  On Friday, I go back in to be unhooked from this current drip that I have to wear for 44 hours, and then Saturday, Tracy Autem Photography is doing a shoot with me and John.  It'll be different being on the other side of the camera.

So, that's the update: emotional beginning, sleepy start, good conversation, Bible study, hair cut, unplug friday, fancy photo shoot saturday.

OHHHH!!  And the most important tid-bit:  Yes. Yes I am rocking a fanny pack with the stuff attached to my chest.  And yes I am accepting offers to sew/bedazzle/bling up one the worst fashion faux-pauxs of all time and bring it back to sexy.

T minus 13 hours, 53 minutes

It was a nice night.  My friend Katy put together a super informal "good luck tomorrow" party tonight.  It was just a few close friends, dinner, and "glee", but it rocked my world.  All day today, my stomach has been doing little flip-flops every time I think about tomorrow.  Solution: don't think about it.  As they say, it'll come whether I think about it or not.  (I'm not sure who "they" are, but I'm sure somebody says that...)  When the doctor first told me that he thought I might have cancer, I assured him that I was not freaking out (which I wasn't).  (and I wasn't because I feel like I was being prepared for the news for like a month beforehand).  The way I described it to Dr. Park, it wasn't like having a bomb dropped on me.  It was more like watching a tornado from really far away.  You can see it coming.  You can't get away from it.  All you can do is swallow, get ready, and hold onto something for dear life.  It isn't a shock necessarily, but it isn't not shocking either.  That's how I feel about tomorrow.  It's the same huge tornado that has been off in the distance, that I have watched get closer and closer. 

I really don't know what else to say about it. Flip flop goes the stomach...  Thank you everybody for all your love and support.  I may seem like I am handling all this well, but I honestly think it has a lot to do with how much love I have coming my way.  I guess next time you hear from me, I'll have a tube hooked up to my chest.

Oh yeah! I guess I could give the details. I go in tomorrow at 11:15.  They will hook me up to one chemical for 2 hours, and then a second one for another 2 hours, and then a third one that I'll take home with me for the next 44 hours.  So in essence, I'll be having the treatment for a full 48 hours.  After the 44 hours of the final chemical, I'll go back up to the hospital to be unhooked.  John is meeting me at work and taking me over to the hospital, and mom is meeting me at the hospital and taking me home to my parent's house for the next two days, so I can have someone home with me.  That's the plan so far anyway. Thank you God for family!!