Well, I've got good news, I've got GREAT news, and I've got sorta sucky news. Normally I'd start with the great news, but since the great news requires you to understand the sucky news, I'll start with that one.
Short recap: insurance was denying the PET scan that Dr. Le (my oncologist) was requesting. PET scan is the thing that checks for cancer. Insurance said "No. Only every 6 months, not every 3." So, they were going to have to do a CT scan instead. The problem with a CT scan is that it requires 2 things: drinking the most God-awful concoction that I have ever had, and then putting a contrast dye into my bloodstream. Last time I tried to get this done (b.c. haha! Before cancer! I'm so witty...) they couldn't do the intravenous contrast dye because my creatinine level was too high. (Creatinine level measures basic kidney function.) When they did the CT last time, it felt kinda pointless since the scan only showed a "thickening of the walls" in my small intestine. That's it?!?! For that massive tumor in my intestine, all it showed was a thickening of the walls?!?! If that's all it can do without the contrast dye, I'll pass. But they were still telling me that this was the only test I could have. However, they decided to double check, see how my creatinine was doing. So that's where we left off last time... Prayer to get approval for a PET scan.
The sucky news is that my creatinine was significantly high. My Nephrologist immediately ordered a 24 hour urinalysis. I got to collect my pee for 24 hours. Ewwww.... So, I got the call today about how that had gone. Conclusion? My kidneys are only functioning at somewhere between 40%-50%. Not renal failure, but not great either. Of course I immediately googled what percentage renal failure was. It is around 20%. When it is approaching that, they start talking about dialysis and transplants. I've already had 3 family members offer a kidney:) My family rocks. I feel VERY loved! Next step: I am going in Monday morning to have an ultrasound of my kidneys. Not sure what that does. From what I remember last time I had that done (sometime in high school), the left one is sorta shriveled and gimpy. I guess it's just a matter of finding out how much gimpier it has gotten since then.
So, the good news is that the doctor that the kidney doctor who normally takes 6 months to see is fitting me in next Wednesday!!! Eaaaarly... (before school. I'm sure I'll be all bright eyed and bushy tailed for class... cough... sarcasm...) On one hand, it's pretty awesome that he is getting me in so soon! On the other hand... Should I be concerned that he's jumping on this so fast? In my past experience, when they rearrange their schedule for you, it's not a good sign... But for now, I'll just chose to think it's because he likes me so much.
The GREAT news is that after haggling with insurance about how I can't have the full CT scan because of my kidneys, they have agreed to let me have the PET scan!!! Wooohoooo!! No nasty barium!! I'm pretty stoked about that. That will take place, also eaaaarly tomorrow morning. (like be there by 6:30).
Between now and next Wednesday afternoon, I have 4 doctors appointments, and 2 procedures. Phew! It'll be a busy week! Thank God for modern medicine!!
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I'm DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
As of Wednesday, I was unplugged for the LAST time!!! I am elated. I am on cloud nine. I am sore and feel like my body has been poisoned... But I don't care!!!! I'm done!! Now begins the slow process of healing from all the chemo. I am wondering if they picked 12 sessions because it is based on years of research of what the body can really handle at a time. I know that there are plenty more people out there who are still unsuccessful at shrinking their tumor, and have to go much longer. But I can't imagine how.
My good friend from high school Diana took me in on Wednesday to get unhooked, and as we left, I had this big goofy smile on my face. We decided to have a little celebration lunch (which I chose poorly by suggesting Mexican... not good right after chemo...) and when we got to the parking lot, she asks me "How do you feel?" I said "On cloud 9!" And then the emotion just started to overwhelm me. I'm done. At that point I started to tear up. And then while we're sitting in the car waiting to go in, I just say "I think I need to have a little cry." And I just started bawling and sobbing into my hands. Thank goodness I had another girl with me! Any guy would have started freaking out I'm sure. (They're such weeny weirdos when it comes to women crying in front of them.) It felt good. It was a good cry, not a bad one. It was a cry of relief, release, and thankfulness.
I'm done, but I'm still not whole yet. I still feel pretty ick like I normally do after chemo. But I'm going to keep getting better, and I don't get kicked down in another two weeks.
Here's the video from when they celebrate your last "hook up". I had my phone camera all ready! I wanted to record it! And of course they came when I was in the bathroom. Mom tried to start filming, but pushed some other button and I kept having to tell them "Wait! Go back!" so I could get it. So, they're are kinda laughing about that. You'll hear me telling Mom "Don't touch anything!" when I had her the camera, haha! I love her:)
Here's my Psalm of the day. My mom gave me the idea to start interposing the word "cancer" whenever I see "enemies" in the Psalms. I don't see myself as really having "enemies" per say...
Psalm 18:1-3
1 I love you, LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my {cancer}. haha!
Just FYI, Mom and I are planning on doing a "Hurray! No more chemo!" party in about a month. So be looking for details:)
And in case you are curious, I'll be having another PET scan in about 4 weeks to make sure I'm still clear and a bone density check, since there is the possibility that I have lost some bone density from being on bedrest for so long. If I've lost density, it'll just mean that I need to really eeeeeeaaase back into working out and being active because it's essentially like having osteoporosis where I can get get fractures really easily. I'm hoping it shows up as "not a problem" (the official medical lingo...) My plan is to get back into shape by taking dance classes. Can't do that if I'm on the verge of breaking a hip.
Another shout out to all those who have been awesome with keeping me fed! You are amazing, and I'd probably weigh about 75 pounds without you. Thank you to Urla who has been taking me for fluids every monday! And thank you all for your prayer support. I have felt it so much. I pray that I would continue to learn the power and importance of service through being a real prayer warrior. Still working on that:)
My good friend from high school Diana took me in on Wednesday to get unhooked, and as we left, I had this big goofy smile on my face. We decided to have a little celebration lunch (which I chose poorly by suggesting Mexican... not good right after chemo...) and when we got to the parking lot, she asks me "How do you feel?" I said "On cloud 9!" And then the emotion just started to overwhelm me. I'm done. At that point I started to tear up. And then while we're sitting in the car waiting to go in, I just say "I think I need to have a little cry." And I just started bawling and sobbing into my hands. Thank goodness I had another girl with me! Any guy would have started freaking out I'm sure. (They're such weeny weirdos when it comes to women crying in front of them.) It felt good. It was a good cry, not a bad one. It was a cry of relief, release, and thankfulness.
I'm done, but I'm still not whole yet. I still feel pretty ick like I normally do after chemo. But I'm going to keep getting better, and I don't get kicked down in another two weeks.
Here's the video from when they celebrate your last "hook up". I had my phone camera all ready! I wanted to record it! And of course they came when I was in the bathroom. Mom tried to start filming, but pushed some other button and I kept having to tell them "Wait! Go back!" so I could get it. So, they're are kinda laughing about that. You'll hear me telling Mom "Don't touch anything!" when I had her the camera, haha! I love her:)
Here's my Psalm of the day. My mom gave me the idea to start interposing the word "cancer" whenever I see "enemies" in the Psalms. I don't see myself as really having "enemies" per say...
Psalm 18:1-3
1 I love you, LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my {cancer}. haha!
Just FYI, Mom and I are planning on doing a "Hurray! No more chemo!" party in about a month. So be looking for details:)
And in case you are curious, I'll be having another PET scan in about 4 weeks to make sure I'm still clear and a bone density check, since there is the possibility that I have lost some bone density from being on bedrest for so long. If I've lost density, it'll just mean that I need to really eeeeeeaaase back into working out and being active because it's essentially like having osteoporosis where I can get get fractures really easily. I'm hoping it shows up as "not a problem" (the official medical lingo...) My plan is to get back into shape by taking dance classes. Can't do that if I'm on the verge of breaking a hip.
Another shout out to all those who have been awesome with keeping me fed! You are amazing, and I'd probably weigh about 75 pounds without you. Thank you to Urla who has been taking me for fluids every monday! And thank you all for your prayer support. I have felt it so much. I pray that I would continue to learn the power and importance of service through being a real prayer warrior. Still working on that:)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Doing much better than last round
Well, I am pleased to say that I am doing a lot better than the last round. I think this is mainly due to them taking my oxaliplatin down 25%. It's amazing what that little 25% does! It is the difference between feeling miserable, hopeless, and defeated vs... well, less miserable but hopeful. I didn't think it was physically or psychologically possible to go through two more of what it was like last time. But now, even though I'm not looking forward to it, I feel like "Yeah. It's all good. I can take one more. " One more folks!!! Can you believe it?!?!?! Why, it only feels like a million years since I got diagnosed! This time has just flown by, like a snail on a turtles back (while sitting atop a truck on 635 during rush hour)! Haha!
As for levels, I'm not sure what they are right now. My lovely, wonderful, giving, amazing aunt who always takes me in on Mondays had to attend to her own mother going into the hospital this week. (We're praying for y'all Urla!) So, I didn't get to have my blood taken. I think I'm doing OK though. I'm having some bleeding, but it's not out of control, which tells me that I'm at LEAST in the 60's. (Usually, in the 50's is where I can't clot). I've been eating my pineapple faithfully every day. I am really hoping that I still like pineapple when this is all over and done with. I already know that I sorta relate belgium waffles and potatoes to cancer. ( I used to treat myself to belgium waffles right before chemo every other week. I no longer have ANY craving for them. And I had to subsist on potatoes for a good month or two around when I first got diagnosed) So, I hope that my feelings for pineapple will not follow in the way of Pavlovian response. I am scheduled for my next chemo a week from today. I will make sure that someone has my video camera app open when the staff comes in singing and bringing me balloons to celebrate the last chemo. It will be posted and I will have a big goofy grin on my face. (granted, that will partially be from the adivan... weeeeeee!!!!)
Thank you for all of you who have brought food, and thank you again to my mom. If nothing else, I think this whole experience has shown me what it looks like to serve someone else completely and selflessly. Both she and my husband have gone so far above and beyond what I ever thought possible. I am truly blessed.
So, with all that cancer crap out of the way, I can move on to being truly miserable from ALL THE FRIGGIN' POLLEN!!!! I mean, holy cow!! Is there anyone else out there who has been a snotty mess all week? I have just stayed inside, and kept all the doors and windows CLOSED. I have even doubled up on allergy pills (which I don't think you are technically supposed to do...) and even THEN my eyes have been all red, and my nose tickling and runny. I can literally see a green dust all over the stuff on our porch. Here's a gorgeous picture to remind people how beautiful I am, even on my worse days...
Aren't I lovely? Thank you Texas pollen!!!
As for levels, I'm not sure what they are right now. My lovely, wonderful, giving, amazing aunt who always takes me in on Mondays had to attend to her own mother going into the hospital this week. (We're praying for y'all Urla!) So, I didn't get to have my blood taken. I think I'm doing OK though. I'm having some bleeding, but it's not out of control, which tells me that I'm at LEAST in the 60's. (Usually, in the 50's is where I can't clot). I've been eating my pineapple faithfully every day. I am really hoping that I still like pineapple when this is all over and done with. I already know that I sorta relate belgium waffles and potatoes to cancer. ( I used to treat myself to belgium waffles right before chemo every other week. I no longer have ANY craving for them. And I had to subsist on potatoes for a good month or two around when I first got diagnosed) So, I hope that my feelings for pineapple will not follow in the way of Pavlovian response. I am scheduled for my next chemo a week from today. I will make sure that someone has my video camera app open when the staff comes in singing and bringing me balloons to celebrate the last chemo. It will be posted and I will have a big goofy grin on my face. (granted, that will partially be from the adivan... weeeeeee!!!!)
Thank you for all of you who have brought food, and thank you again to my mom. If nothing else, I think this whole experience has shown me what it looks like to serve someone else completely and selflessly. Both she and my husband have gone so far above and beyond what I ever thought possible. I am truly blessed.
So, with all that cancer crap out of the way, I can move on to being truly miserable from ALL THE FRIGGIN' POLLEN!!!! I mean, holy cow!! Is there anyone else out there who has been a snotty mess all week? I have just stayed inside, and kept all the doors and windows CLOSED. I have even doubled up on allergy pills (which I don't think you are technically supposed to do...) and even THEN my eyes have been all red, and my nose tickling and runny. I can literally see a green dust all over the stuff on our porch. Here's a gorgeous picture to remind people how beautiful I am, even on my worse days...
Aren't I lovely? Thank you Texas pollen!!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A little more energy
Even though chemo was canceled, I ended up staying at my parents anyways. I was so weak, and then with the whole crutches thing on top of it, I really didn't want to be alone. I found that when I went there, I perked up a whole lot. The first day or two I slept most of the day, but then Thursday and Friday, I was actually up and interacting! Part of me wonders if some of my weakness was just from being alone most of the day, everyday, for like 2 weeks. I am an extrovert. Having other people around energizes me. John came up and got me last night since he's home on the weekends. I am walking much better now. I still have the boot on, but at least I don't need to use the crutches anymore. That is just a pain.
I woke up this morning at around 6, which is really unusual for me. I tried to just sleep through anyways, but then Petunia had one of her little "bunny nightmares" that she has occasionally. She thumps REALLY loud. It sounds like a gunshot. It's a bunny strategy to warn other bunnies of danger, and John and I finally figured out that she does this when she has had a bad dream. Like all kids, she just needs me to go sit with her for a second, remind her that she's a safe bunny and that mommy's here, and then she goes right back to sleep. If you don't, she'll keep thumping. So, needless to say that cemented the "awakeness" on my part. So, I'm sitting here with Lula in my lap trying to get sleepy again.
I think I might have a really good weekend! I feel better than I have in a while (which probably means my blood is up!) I always overdo it though when I feel better, and I always overdo it on SATURDAY and then wake up knowing that I don't feel well enough to go to church. NOT this time! I will bide my time and stay chill today, and finally get to go to church again! I feel so out of the loop.
And another shout out to my love Laura! I got a pink package in the mail from Victoria's Secret with a card that said "For doing nothing "in style" - Laura". Inside was a set of leopard print pajamas with pink around the edges, another pink dress style pajama, and a grey robe/sweater thing. Oh! And matching leopard slippers:) I'm sure John will be glad to see me out of ratty t-shirts and my sweatpants for a change. Do I have the greatest friends or what?
I woke up this morning at around 6, which is really unusual for me. I tried to just sleep through anyways, but then Petunia had one of her little "bunny nightmares" that she has occasionally. She thumps REALLY loud. It sounds like a gunshot. It's a bunny strategy to warn other bunnies of danger, and John and I finally figured out that she does this when she has had a bad dream. Like all kids, she just needs me to go sit with her for a second, remind her that she's a safe bunny and that mommy's here, and then she goes right back to sleep. If you don't, she'll keep thumping. So, needless to say that cemented the "awakeness" on my part. So, I'm sitting here with Lula in my lap trying to get sleepy again.
I think I might have a really good weekend! I feel better than I have in a while (which probably means my blood is up!) I always overdo it though when I feel better, and I always overdo it on SATURDAY and then wake up knowing that I don't feel well enough to go to church. NOT this time! I will bide my time and stay chill today, and finally get to go to church again! I feel so out of the loop.
And another shout out to my love Laura! I got a pink package in the mail from Victoria's Secret with a card that said "For doing nothing "in style" - Laura". Inside was a set of leopard print pajamas with pink around the edges, another pink dress style pajama, and a grey robe/sweater thing. Oh! And matching leopard slippers:) I'm sure John will be glad to see me out of ratty t-shirts and my sweatpants for a change. Do I have the greatest friends or what?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Low blood, no chemo, yay crutches...
Well, it's been an interesting week. It was nice having John home so much. 4 snow days in a row!! Crazy! I was having some pretty serious trouble with nose bleeds. (is that one word? Nosebleed?) I've never really had them before, but I just couldn't get it to stop! I called my doctor, but I don't think she really understood how much blood I was talking about. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty weak. I really wanted to get my blood levels checked to see how much I had lost, but I couldn't really get around in the snow and ice (especially not all the way over to Plano). So, I just waited till today when I was going in to get fluids. As expected, it was low. Apparently I lost like 2-3 pints! Crazy! (still not as low as when I had the big fat tumor though!) I was expecting maybe a pint, pint and a half. My platelets were also around half of what they should be. (The nurse said she'd seen much lower, so that's good. Well, I guess not good for that person, but good that I'm not horrifically low.) Dr Lee said that was probably why clotting was a problem, since platelets are involved in the body's clotting response, and that's why I couldn't get it to stop. So, I guess with the numbers so low, at least I don't feel like I am just a wimp for being so tired!! I showed the nurse some of my lovely pictures of how much blood I was losing. I felt very reassured to hear that she had seen similar before. As long as somebody tells me that it's normal, I'm happy. So, anyways there is a certain level of blood and blood platelets that you have to have in order to be consider "healthy" enough to do chemo, and unfortunately I don't make the cut this week:( I'll have to wait till next week which doesn't thrill me because that means that chemo will trickle over into beginning of April. It really is amazing though that it's taken me this long to get to that point! I know of lots of people who have had this problem way earlier on in their treatments, so I still consider myself lucky.
Oh! Ha!! And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again. I'm such a pathetic mess!! Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:) It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap! About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year. I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas... I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes. A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming! Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out. Maybe this'll help?
Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately. That has made a world of difference! Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer. It really makes a difference. It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here. Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:
19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
Amen!!
My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book! It's right about the level I can handle right now. I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind. So, I guess that's the update for today!
If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is. Pray that my blood numbers would get up. Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining. (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill. It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John. I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband. He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself. AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams. He is such a mighty man. I am in awe. But he could really use some encouragement and energy. I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night. It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot. It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal? Is that normal? Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of. That's all for now! As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer.
Oh! Ha!! And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again. I'm such a pathetic mess!! Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:) It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap! About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year. I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas... I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes. A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming! Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out. Maybe this'll help?
Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately. That has made a world of difference! Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer. It really makes a difference. It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here. Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:
19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
Amen!!
My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book! It's right about the level I can handle right now. I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind. So, I guess that's the update for today!
If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is. Pray that my blood numbers would get up. Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining. (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill. It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John. I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband. He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself. AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams. He is such a mighty man. I am in awe. But he could really use some encouragement and energy. I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night. It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot. It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal? Is that normal? Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of. That's all for now! As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Another tough round, but I'm tougher (at least that's what I keep telling myself!)
Wow. Well... they're getting tougher. Lucky for me, tougher doesn't mean nausea though. More like I just got hit with a dump truck. A big one:) I feel so thankful for my mom, who just lets me sleep, wakes me up to eat and drink, and then lets me go back to sleep. Usually, it has been an up and down, but I've still managed to maybe run a few errands with mom. Maybe go out for lunch, play some scrabble. This round, I was pretty much unconscious till Friday. I perked up a little on Saturday, but was running a temp of about 100.
Sunday was so awesome. I still couldn't do much and stayed in bed, but I have the most awesome friends who will come to me when I can't get out. My friend Katy came and layed in bed with me and watched Disney's "Oceans" (definitely not as good as their previous "Earth" movie). Then, Jenise (who leads worship at church) came over and did a little private worship session with/for me (since I couldn't make it to church). It was so amazing. I love to hear her sing and play the guitar, and I hope I didn't ruin it too much when I sang with her. :)
Today, I went to get fluids like I do every Monday. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but my Aunt Urla has been taking me to the hospital every single Monday to get fluids. I feel so lucky and so blessed, and I really feel like I'll look back on our time with fondness because when will I ever get to spend so much time with her, just the two of us again? Never, that's when! God just brings family and friends when you most need them, and turns it into this amazing time of blessing.
God has been really working on my heart in the areas of contentment. I love our little apartment. It is great. It is small. Really small. But that hasn't bothered me at all... until I've had to be in it all day every day. Then it feels REALLY small. And really cluttered. So, I've been "fantasizing" about maybe moving into a larger place, maybe renting a little house nearby. But the thing is, it will of course will cost a little bit more. I can't remember if I've shared this yet (another side effect of chemo. I'm turning into that weird aunt who tells you the same story over and over...), but I've got a little miracle that is happening on a daily/monthly basis. I will scream it from the rooftops because God is so good, and that is how much He is providing for us financially. I liken it to the story in I Kings 17, where Elijah has been in the wilderness and there was like 3 years with no rain, and he comes upon a widow and asks her to make him some bread, and she tells him that she has enough for pretty much one loaf. So, he tells her to make him one anyway. Well, here's the relevant passage:
14 For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’” 15 She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. 16 For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.
So, I don't liken myself to Elijah. And I'm not a widow (thank you Lord Jesus!!!). But I'll tell you something: our financial situation does NOT make sense. John and I have made a very pointed decision not to look too closely into the numbers, because we KNOW that they will not add up. We aren't spending frivolously, but we aren't living off of ramen noodles either. In some magical way, we have kept our previous lifestyle (for the most part), and are doing it off of half the income. Less than half even!! AND we are still putting a little into savings every month!! My friends, this is an act of God. There really is no other explanation. And every time I think about it, I have to bow to my God in recognition that I really am not worthy of such a gift, but that I recognize it, thank Him, and very willingly accept it.
So, here is where the whole "contentment" thing comes in. WHO THE HECK DO I THINK I AM?!! I am receiving this amazing bounty from the Lord, providing for all our needs (AND even a few date nights!), and here I am fantasizing and wanting more?!? A bigger place?!?! We shouldn't be able to afford what we have now based on the fact that I'm not working. How dare I!! It's one of those things where I'm catching myself, and then I fall on my knees in shame because if I were God, I'd be all "Well fine!! What I'm doing isn't good enough for ya, then I'll just let you see what it's like without it!". He'll just take his ball and go home! But luckily, we serve a merciful God who is kind to ungrateful children such as we. And so every time I am tempted to look on craigslist "just to see what's out there", I stop myself, ask the Lord to forgive me for taking his provision for granted, and then thank Him for what He has provided. I won't say it isn't a struggle. But honestly, if you aren't "struggling" with anything, then it probably means you've given in to everything. So I sit in our little apartment, and revel in how peaceful it is.
Sunday was so awesome. I still couldn't do much and stayed in bed, but I have the most awesome friends who will come to me when I can't get out. My friend Katy came and layed in bed with me and watched Disney's "Oceans" (definitely not as good as their previous "Earth" movie). Then, Jenise (who leads worship at church) came over and did a little private worship session with/for me (since I couldn't make it to church). It was so amazing. I love to hear her sing and play the guitar, and I hope I didn't ruin it too much when I sang with her. :)
Today, I went to get fluids like I do every Monday. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but my Aunt Urla has been taking me to the hospital every single Monday to get fluids. I feel so lucky and so blessed, and I really feel like I'll look back on our time with fondness because when will I ever get to spend so much time with her, just the two of us again? Never, that's when! God just brings family and friends when you most need them, and turns it into this amazing time of blessing.
God has been really working on my heart in the areas of contentment. I love our little apartment. It is great. It is small. Really small. But that hasn't bothered me at all... until I've had to be in it all day every day. Then it feels REALLY small. And really cluttered. So, I've been "fantasizing" about maybe moving into a larger place, maybe renting a little house nearby. But the thing is, it will of course will cost a little bit more. I can't remember if I've shared this yet (another side effect of chemo. I'm turning into that weird aunt who tells you the same story over and over...), but I've got a little miracle that is happening on a daily/monthly basis. I will scream it from the rooftops because God is so good, and that is how much He is providing for us financially. I liken it to the story in I Kings 17, where Elijah has been in the wilderness and there was like 3 years with no rain, and he comes upon a widow and asks her to make him some bread, and she tells him that she has enough for pretty much one loaf. So, he tells her to make him one anyway. Well, here's the relevant passage:
14 For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’” 15 She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. 16 For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.
So, I don't liken myself to Elijah. And I'm not a widow (thank you Lord Jesus!!!). But I'll tell you something: our financial situation does NOT make sense. John and I have made a very pointed decision not to look too closely into the numbers, because we KNOW that they will not add up. We aren't spending frivolously, but we aren't living off of ramen noodles either. In some magical way, we have kept our previous lifestyle (for the most part), and are doing it off of half the income. Less than half even!! AND we are still putting a little into savings every month!! My friends, this is an act of God. There really is no other explanation. And every time I think about it, I have to bow to my God in recognition that I really am not worthy of such a gift, but that I recognize it, thank Him, and very willingly accept it.
So, here is where the whole "contentment" thing comes in. WHO THE HECK DO I THINK I AM?!! I am receiving this amazing bounty from the Lord, providing for all our needs (AND even a few date nights!), and here I am fantasizing and wanting more?!? A bigger place?!?! We shouldn't be able to afford what we have now based on the fact that I'm not working. How dare I!! It's one of those things where I'm catching myself, and then I fall on my knees in shame because if I were God, I'd be all "Well fine!! What I'm doing isn't good enough for ya, then I'll just let you see what it's like without it!". He'll just take his ball and go home! But luckily, we serve a merciful God who is kind to ungrateful children such as we. And so every time I am tempted to look on craigslist "just to see what's out there", I stop myself, ask the Lord to forgive me for taking his provision for granted, and then thank Him for what He has provided. I won't say it isn't a struggle. But honestly, if you aren't "struggling" with anything, then it probably means you've given in to everything. So I sit in our little apartment, and revel in how peaceful it is.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
This round was a little rougher
Well, I am now back home at the apartment. I stayed at my parents house a few days longer than usual. (I have to give a shout out to Melanie Newton who picked me up from chemo and stayed with me the rest of the day at my parents house till they got home.) The chemo hit me a bit harder this round than past rounds. I was in bed pretty much all of Friday and all of Saturday. Still though, no nausea!!! (or at least not much) So there are NO complaints on this end! I can handle all the lethargy you can throw at me. Just don't give me the nausea, and we're good.
I was at lunch with John and my parents today. Towards the end, my hands did their cramp thing, which made me laugh (because they look so ridiculous!) and Mom joined in the fun and started doing "the claw" at me, because they kinda look like that. (For those of you who have seen "Liar, Liar") Thanks Mom for mocking my pain:) Later, when I was on my bed, my foot did a really awesome cramp, and made the toes on my right foot give the "live long and prosper" star-trek symbol. It was fantastic. I could have never done that on purpose. I really do have to take those pills like clockwork 3 times a day, or else my body starts doing all sorts of party tricks.
I'm planning on taking this week sorta easy. I feel better, but I still feel a little wiped out. Thank you Lord that I have time, and the ability, and permission and the means to rest! Pretty much anything that I consider hard/difficult in my life, I always remind myself that there are single moms out there doing the same thing, and it blows my mind and reminds me of how "easy" I have it.
I was at lunch with John and my parents today. Towards the end, my hands did their cramp thing, which made me laugh (because they look so ridiculous!) and Mom joined in the fun and started doing "the claw" at me, because they kinda look like that. (For those of you who have seen "Liar, Liar") Thanks Mom for mocking my pain:) Later, when I was on my bed, my foot did a really awesome cramp, and made the toes on my right foot give the "live long and prosper" star-trek symbol. It was fantastic. I could have never done that on purpose. I really do have to take those pills like clockwork 3 times a day, or else my body starts doing all sorts of party tricks.
I'm planning on taking this week sorta easy. I feel better, but I still feel a little wiped out. Thank you Lord that I have time, and the ability, and permission and the means to rest! Pretty much anything that I consider hard/difficult in my life, I always remind myself that there are single moms out there doing the same thing, and it blows my mind and reminds me of how "easy" I have it.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A raindown of blessings!
Well, it's been a very eventful week. So, here are more of the details. Like I said, the PET scan came up clear. I feel so relieved. I feel like I can sorta sit back for the rest of chemo and believe that anything else weird that I'm feeling really is just side effects of the chemo. If it were still growing during the chemo, it would've showed up I think by now. So, alllll is well.
The second good thing was that a huge burst cyst showed up. Apparently it was too soon to show up in the CAT scan when I taken into the emergency room a few weeks ago. I was really weirded out when they had "concluded" that it was just a side effect of the chemo. I was terrified to go into chemo this week out of fear that it would happen again. But, not only was it a burst cyst, but a really big one. According to all the nurses, burst cysts are known to hurt like a... well I won't use the word that they used:) Anyway, I feel a bit validated. They are sending me to a ob-gen, to check it out and make sure there aren't more. If there are, there really isn't anything they can do about it. I'll just know that if it happens again, I won't have to freak out and think that I'm dying.
So, those were two blessings. The second thing is in regards to finances. I have heard of stuff like this happening to other people, but I haven't ever experienced it myself. So, here goes: On Saturday night John and I rolled down the window of the PT and when we tried to roll it back up, it wouldn't go. John took it into the shop, and it was going to cost about 300 bucks to get it repaired, because the part was so expensive. The next day, the check engine light came on in the Honda. John called to tell me that it was a bunch of repairs that were needed every 90,000 miles or so. It was going to cost about 1,000 bucks. This was going to be a pretty big hit for us, especially with me not working. It wasn't going to totally tank us, but it was going to be a burden, especially around Christmas. Anyways, here's where it gets pretty cool. John gave two lectures at a recent conference, each of which paid about $90. The school decided to match what he got. So, that brought in an extra $360. THEN!!! John just called me today to tell me that he had gotten another "gift" from the school: $1000!!! It was a $1,000 benevolence check. It is amazing. It covers the cost of all the car stuff practically down to the dollar. I've only heard of this kind of stuff happening to other people, but not us. God really provided for us. He is not giving us more than our "daily bread", but he IS giving us our daily bread. Whenever we have some extra cost pop up, suddenly we get random money from somewhere. I feel grace upon grace being showered upon us in this time.
So, that's the awesome news for now!
The second good thing was that a huge burst cyst showed up. Apparently it was too soon to show up in the CAT scan when I taken into the emergency room a few weeks ago. I was really weirded out when they had "concluded" that it was just a side effect of the chemo. I was terrified to go into chemo this week out of fear that it would happen again. But, not only was it a burst cyst, but a really big one. According to all the nurses, burst cysts are known to hurt like a... well I won't use the word that they used:) Anyway, I feel a bit validated. They are sending me to a ob-gen, to check it out and make sure there aren't more. If there are, there really isn't anything they can do about it. I'll just know that if it happens again, I won't have to freak out and think that I'm dying.
So, those were two blessings. The second thing is in regards to finances. I have heard of stuff like this happening to other people, but I haven't ever experienced it myself. So, here goes: On Saturday night John and I rolled down the window of the PT and when we tried to roll it back up, it wouldn't go. John took it into the shop, and it was going to cost about 300 bucks to get it repaired, because the part was so expensive. The next day, the check engine light came on in the Honda. John called to tell me that it was a bunch of repairs that were needed every 90,000 miles or so. It was going to cost about 1,000 bucks. This was going to be a pretty big hit for us, especially with me not working. It wasn't going to totally tank us, but it was going to be a burden, especially around Christmas. Anyways, here's where it gets pretty cool. John gave two lectures at a recent conference, each of which paid about $90. The school decided to match what he got. So, that brought in an extra $360. THEN!!! John just called me today to tell me that he had gotten another "gift" from the school: $1000!!! It was a $1,000 benevolence check. It is amazing. It covers the cost of all the car stuff practically down to the dollar. I've only heard of this kind of stuff happening to other people, but not us. God really provided for us. He is not giving us more than our "daily bread", but he IS giving us our daily bread. Whenever we have some extra cost pop up, suddenly we get random money from somewhere. I feel grace upon grace being showered upon us in this time.
So, that's the awesome news for now!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Such a nice break!
I was making plans with John for this weekend to put up all the Christmas decorations. He got them all out this last weekend, but I was feeling pretty poopy for much of it. (I eventually had to just give myself sleeping pills on Sunday to knock myself out. It worked. I slept all day and all night and I feel much better.) It was so funny though, because after we had made all these plans, about a couple of hours later I started laughing because I remembered "I've got chemo this week!" The funny part wasn't the fact that I remembered I had chemo THIS week. The funny part was that I had forgotten I had chemo ever. I looked at John and said "I don't know what I was thinking, duh, I won't be able to do the Christmas stuff with you this weekend!" He looked at me confused and was finally like "Uh... why?" And I was all "Um... I've got cancer?" He busted out laughing and said "Ohhhh yeeaahhh...". All this to say, we have gotten pretty spoiled by this 3 week break. It probably helps that I have tons of energy right now. Really?!?! My body had to wait till almost midnight to get a ton of energy?!? Where was it all this weekend, huh? Stupid body...
Anyways, it was nice to have a break from all drama, even if it was only in mind and for a few hours:) (and John's too) And just to think!! I'll have a 3 week break after this one too! Then back to the grind... (the grind as in every other week again)
Anyways, it was nice to have a break from all drama, even if it was only in mind and for a few hours:) (and John's too) And just to think!! I'll have a 3 week break after this one too! Then back to the grind... (the grind as in every other week again)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Great day!!
So, I know the last few posts were kinda scary. The last few days were kinda scary. But as scary as they were, the clouds parted, and I'm having the best "after-chemo days" that I've had so far! I was able to go back to our apartment earlier than usual. I even went and did a service project with my church today at a place called "Exodus Ministries". It was a lot of fun, mainly because I was with people that I love! (Jenise, Kendra, John C.)
On Wednesday, when I went in for chemo, I also met with my doctor. Unfortunately, she affirmed all the research I had done: this type of cancer is known to be resistant to chemo, and yes it has been known to even grow or spread during chemo. Yuck... She didn't belittle me at all when I requested another PET scan. She said that she would have to work it out with insurance, but if it would give me peace of mind, then it was important. It will. I might be being silly, but I don't care. My body is acting the same way it did before, when I ignored it. I just want to play it safe. So, the PET scan is scheduled for Tuesday at 8:00 in the morning. I am really not sweatin' it too much. I fully expect for it to come back clean like it did before. However, I am fully at peace if it does not. Just rollin' with the punches:)
When I went to get unhooked on Friday, they gave me that shot again, the one that is supposed to make your bones hurt and give you flu like symptoms. However, so far I haven't had much! Just like last time! I am feeling a couple of things (jaw's a little sore, body's a little achy), so it is slightly noticeable, but not much. I am super blessed because I have heard from so many people that have had uber bad experiences with this shot. The only real side effects that I have are still from the oxaliplatin, and they are all kinda funny ones - the muscle cramping (well, that one is less funny when it's in my calves and John has to carry me... like Friday). But it's just kinda funny when it is in my thumbs. Then, I have that really strong pins and needles tingling sensation in my hands and feet, like the feeling you get when you have a body part that has gone to sleep. That pretty much just makes me laugh though because, well, it feels funny:) I can't remember if I've already written about these... I think I said something in an earlier post... Really, in summary, out of all the side effects that I could have, I think I have the best ones. They aren't unbearable in the slightest. I feel so blessed that I have not had the nausea. I think there are a LOT of you out there praying against the nausea, and I've gotta tell you that I feel your prayers. I feel them every time when I know I should be getting super nauseous, or I'm afraid that I will, and I don't. That was my biggest fear starting out.
I've also heard from mom that some of you are memorizing Psalm 25 with us. That is so cool! It's like we are all connected now:) Will, super excited about you and the other post men! That's so fun:) I love you all! Time for bed...
On Wednesday, when I went in for chemo, I also met with my doctor. Unfortunately, she affirmed all the research I had done: this type of cancer is known to be resistant to chemo, and yes it has been known to even grow or spread during chemo. Yuck... She didn't belittle me at all when I requested another PET scan. She said that she would have to work it out with insurance, but if it would give me peace of mind, then it was important. It will. I might be being silly, but I don't care. My body is acting the same way it did before, when I ignored it. I just want to play it safe. So, the PET scan is scheduled for Tuesday at 8:00 in the morning. I am really not sweatin' it too much. I fully expect for it to come back clean like it did before. However, I am fully at peace if it does not. Just rollin' with the punches:)
When I went to get unhooked on Friday, they gave me that shot again, the one that is supposed to make your bones hurt and give you flu like symptoms. However, so far I haven't had much! Just like last time! I am feeling a couple of things (jaw's a little sore, body's a little achy), so it is slightly noticeable, but not much. I am super blessed because I have heard from so many people that have had uber bad experiences with this shot. The only real side effects that I have are still from the oxaliplatin, and they are all kinda funny ones - the muscle cramping (well, that one is less funny when it's in my calves and John has to carry me... like Friday). But it's just kinda funny when it is in my thumbs. Then, I have that really strong pins and needles tingling sensation in my hands and feet, like the feeling you get when you have a body part that has gone to sleep. That pretty much just makes me laugh though because, well, it feels funny:) I can't remember if I've already written about these... I think I said something in an earlier post... Really, in summary, out of all the side effects that I could have, I think I have the best ones. They aren't unbearable in the slightest. I feel so blessed that I have not had the nausea. I think there are a LOT of you out there praying against the nausea, and I've gotta tell you that I feel your prayers. I feel them every time when I know I should be getting super nauseous, or I'm afraid that I will, and I don't. That was my biggest fear starting out.
I've also heard from mom that some of you are memorizing Psalm 25 with us. That is so cool! It's like we are all connected now:) Will, super excited about you and the other post men! That's so fun:) I love you all! Time for bed...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Harry Potter was awesome!!
Last night was sooo awesome! On the tickets that we printed out, it said to get there early because the theater was overbooked to account for no-shows. John and I left in what we thought was plenty of time, and it just took sooooo much longer to get there than we thought. I was so scared that we would get there and they would be full up and turning us away. I was thinking "What a horrible story that would make!" So, I started praying (again!) that God would let us get there in plenty of time and get good seats. I was calling the theater to see how many people were already there, and they told me that a pretty sizable crowd had already gotten there, but they weren't full quite yet. I was dying!!! So, we got there (still 30 minutes early) and I had John drop me off at the front and SPRINTED inside! Obviously (from the title) we got there in time. But that isn't the coolest part! When I went into the theater, it was pretty much full except for seats at the very, very front (where you get neck problems) and some on the far, far side. I decided to go searching anyway. I kept seeing seats, but they all had jackets across them, or purses. I kept walking up, and I saw 2 seats, but one had a purse in it. For some reason, on this particular seat, I decided to ask "Is that seat taken?" The girl next to the purse was like "OH! No, that's my purse." The seats were up about 4-5 rows from the top, and pretty close to the middle. They were AWESOME seats! After sitting there for a while, I started to chat with them. I asked what time they had gotten there, thinking probably like 5:30 or something crazy like that. Nope. 3:00!!!!!! They had been there since 3:00!! We got seats so good, that the people next to us had been there since 3! Apparently people had started lining up at 8:00 that morning. (Nerds...) So, God was not just good getting us the tickets. It was like He had actually saved us awesome seats!
I won't give away too many details so I don't become a "spoiler" site:) I CAN say, "Pay attention!". There is so much story packed in there, that I want to see it multiple times. The one thing I'll never understand though is why Hermione likes Ron and not Harry. I know it's in the books and all, but I wish they would give Hermione and Ron a few more attraction/tense scenes where you can feel the chemistry and stuff. As it is, it seems like there is always that unspoken chemistry between her and Harry. Of course, now I'm starting to sound like a total nerd, so I'll stop:) It was such an awesome night though! I was so excited yesterday, that it gave me a burst of energy and I cleaned and did laundry! Of course, I crashed about an hour before the movie started and was about to fall asleep for the rest of the night. But I still had a huge goofy grin on my face until I layed down to go to bed! Thank you again Michelle! It was a "magical" night:)
I won't give away too many details so I don't become a "spoiler" site:) I CAN say, "Pay attention!". There is so much story packed in there, that I want to see it multiple times. The one thing I'll never understand though is why Hermione likes Ron and not Harry. I know it's in the books and all, but I wish they would give Hermione and Ron a few more attraction/tense scenes where you can feel the chemistry and stuff. As it is, it seems like there is always that unspoken chemistry between her and Harry. Of course, now I'm starting to sound like a total nerd, so I'll stop:) It was such an awesome night though! I was so excited yesterday, that it gave me a burst of energy and I cleaned and did laundry! Of course, I crashed about an hour before the movie started and was about to fall asleep for the rest of the night. But I still had a huge goofy grin on my face until I layed down to go to bed! Thank you again Michelle! It was a "magical" night:)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Michelle Agonafer I love you!!!!!
I can't believe it! I am so excited!!! A friend from John's and my old church entered my story into a contest for an advanced screening of Harry Potter and WON ME TICKETS!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I almost feel like I should dress up... Thank you so much Michelle!!!!!!! (And thank you Jesus. I'm pretty sure you had a hand in this:)
Here's her essay: (the topic was supposed to be "Who is your favorite Harry Potter character and why")
I am going to tell you up front, that if I win tickets to this advance showing, it is not for me, but for a friend who I don't really know all thatwell. First: My character preference: I am sure that most girls would say that Hermione is their favorite character. I am not one to argue, I love Hermione. Though she has her weaknesses, mostly in the form of pride and arrogance, her strengths lie in her loyalty and determination to do the right thing. Not many times do you find someone so determined to be excellent, who is yet so willing to betray and possibly lose scholastic standing, all for the sake of doing what she thinks is right, be it helping out bumbling Hagrid, or sneaking out in an invisibility cloak with her best friends. I really identify with the fact that she is a half-muggle, being a half-breed myself. Constantly feeling the need to prove myself "hispanic enough" or "white enough" depending on the circumstance, and always falling short is very frustrating. I love the fact that the BEST in class at Hogwarts is not a part of the good ol' boy club, but instead a headstrong, halfbreed with a messy head of hair and a penchant for trouble.
Now that I've told you why I love Hermione, I would like to recommend that you give the tickets to a girl who is named Hillary Morgan Ferrer. She reminds me of Hermione in a lot of ways, she is intelligent, well spoken and very strong. You see, right now she is battling cancer. I am friends with her on Facebook and she mentioned entering a contest, and really hoping she wins, because this week is a chemo week and she won't be able to go again till next week. This really touched me, such a simple lamentation, not being able to go to a movie, while she is in the fight for her life. It is in this http://www.hillary2point0.blogspot.com/ blogpost that she talks about it. I can tell you that she is a young woman, a friend, and a great wife. I don't know if this is the contest she talked about entering, but if it is, please give her tickets. If she didn't please give them to me and I will pass them onto her, or give you her info so you can give them to her yourself. It would mean so much more than a movie, it would be an answer to a small prayer. Thanks so much for your understanding, and I really hope she wins!
Sincerely,
Michelle Agonafer
I am totally crying. I feel so blessed, and so loved.
Here's her essay: (the topic was supposed to be "Who is your favorite Harry Potter character and why")
I am going to tell you up front, that if I win tickets to this advance showing, it is not for me, but for a friend who I don't really know all thatwell. First: My character preference: I am sure that most girls would say that Hermione is their favorite character. I am not one to argue, I love Hermione. Though she has her weaknesses, mostly in the form of pride and arrogance, her strengths lie in her loyalty and determination to do the right thing. Not many times do you find someone so determined to be excellent, who is yet so willing to betray and possibly lose scholastic standing, all for the sake of doing what she thinks is right, be it helping out bumbling Hagrid, or sneaking out in an invisibility cloak with her best friends. I really identify with the fact that she is a half-muggle, being a half-breed myself. Constantly feeling the need to prove myself "hispanic enough" or "white enough" depending on the circumstance, and always falling short is very frustrating. I love the fact that the BEST in class at Hogwarts is not a part of the good ol' boy club, but instead a headstrong, halfbreed with a messy head of hair and a penchant for trouble.
Now that I've told you why I love Hermione, I would like to recommend that you give the tickets to a girl who is named Hillary Morgan Ferrer. She reminds me of Hermione in a lot of ways, she is intelligent, well spoken and very strong. You see, right now she is battling cancer. I am friends with her on Facebook and she mentioned entering a contest, and really hoping she wins, because this week is a chemo week and she won't be able to go again till next week. This really touched me, such a simple lamentation, not being able to go to a movie, while she is in the fight for her life. It is in this http://www.hillary2point0.blogspot.com/ blogpost that she talks about it. I can tell you that she is a young woman, a friend, and a great wife. I don't know if this is the contest she talked about entering, but if it is, please give her tickets. If she didn't please give them to me and I will pass them onto her, or give you her info so you can give them to her yourself. It would mean so much more than a movie, it would be an answer to a small prayer. Thanks so much for your understanding, and I really hope she wins!
Sincerely,
Michelle Agonafer
I am totally crying. I feel so blessed, and so loved.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Catharsis and rambling thoughts
Well, I think my crisis of yesterday has passed. It needed to happen I guess. Probably won't be the last time. My mom is awesome and came over to clean the gunky stuff of counters and floors, and help me change the bed sheets. It has done much more for my state of mind than I expected. We talked about how I needed to really get out of the house. It is not good for me to be here so much. She suggested looking into some volunteering stuff. I agreed. I called children's hospital today, to see if they needed any tutors for some of their in-patient oncology kids. I explained my situation (about me having cancer too) and she said that I would probably have to get a written approval from my Doctor to do anything, since my own immune system will also be so compromised. I have a feeling it won't work out. But I'll keep looking for something. I want to be around people. Unfortunately, people have germs. I'll figure something out. It will be a fun research project.
I am getting out of the house today. I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym. I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week. My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out. Just not right away:)
I said a really stupid prayer this morning. Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't. However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that! But you have to win the tickets. So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!" I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer. Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool. He started answering all these little prayers, over and over. Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel. And they would cancel. God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain. And it would rain. God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home. And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home. There were all these little tiny prayers. God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want. But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear. He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now. I have not forgotten you." It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired. I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust. And I do. He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN. And I ask for stupid things like that now.
I am getting out of the house today. I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym. I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week. My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out. Just not right away:)
I said a really stupid prayer this morning. Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't. However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that! But you have to win the tickets. So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!" I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer. Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool. He started answering all these little prayers, over and over. Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel. And they would cancel. God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain. And it would rain. God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home. And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home. There were all these little tiny prayers. God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want. But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear. He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now. I have not forgotten you." It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired. I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust. And I do. He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN. And I ask for stupid things like that now.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
No bone pain!
I am very pleased to announce (hopefully not too soon, knock on wood) that I have NOT had any bone pain from the latest shot! My energy levels have been going up and down depending on how many doses of meds I need for the muscle spasms and other assorted pain. (I have some random back spasms that I think are probably from a night of sleeping wrong, probably needing chiropractor work, because they don't feel like the other spasms in the rest of my body. Hopefully I can get that taken care of sometime this week, if it doesn't go away on it's own.) SO! Thank you you all who have been praying for me. I was a little nervous about the effects of the shot. And for all of those who are praying for the nausea, as of today I have only "gotten sick" twice from the chemo, which is a miracle for someone with such a sensitive stomach as I.
I am finally allowing myself to relax for the first time in who knows how long. Since I do not have to worry about work, and lessons, and deadlines, I feel free to be sick for the first time. That sounds like a crappy kind of "freedom" I know, but for those of you who know me well, that is actually a pretty liberating milestone for me. There is much sleep taking place, and without guilt. I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before the restlessness really kicks in, so I am already preparing for a myriad of productive ways to occupy my time that do not involve deadlines or necessity. (I'm thinking about trying to organize and album the 10 billion pictures I have in our storage unit.)
However, one of the things I am currently doing (as of last night) is helping John with his research. He submitted an article to a journal/magazine that was meant to be a mere "opinion" piece (ie: research based, but without all the fancy citations and much shorter than an actual article) However, they liked it so much that they requested that he turn it in to a full blow article for their publication. I am helping him out by collecting specific sources for each of the claims that he is making in the piece. I could really see this as something that I might want to do in the future. I may not be a good "helpmate" in terms of cooking and cleaning. But by golly, I can research with the best of them!
And last, but no least, I just want to give a shout out to the Kingston's. Anne, I have really enjoyed getting your letters. Jack, I loved hearing first hand about the work that you are doing in Washington and abroad. Congratulations on your re-election!
I am finally allowing myself to relax for the first time in who knows how long. Since I do not have to worry about work, and lessons, and deadlines, I feel free to be sick for the first time. That sounds like a crappy kind of "freedom" I know, but for those of you who know me well, that is actually a pretty liberating milestone for me. There is much sleep taking place, and without guilt. I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before the restlessness really kicks in, so I am already preparing for a myriad of productive ways to occupy my time that do not involve deadlines or necessity. (I'm thinking about trying to organize and album the 10 billion pictures I have in our storage unit.)
However, one of the things I am currently doing (as of last night) is helping John with his research. He submitted an article to a journal/magazine that was meant to be a mere "opinion" piece (ie: research based, but without all the fancy citations and much shorter than an actual article) However, they liked it so much that they requested that he turn it in to a full blow article for their publication. I am helping him out by collecting specific sources for each of the claims that he is making in the piece. I could really see this as something that I might want to do in the future. I may not be a good "helpmate" in terms of cooking and cleaning. But by golly, I can research with the best of them!
And last, but no least, I just want to give a shout out to the Kingston's. Anne, I have really enjoyed getting your letters. Jack, I loved hearing first hand about the work that you are doing in Washington and abroad. Congratulations on your re-election!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thank you
To all of you who prayed for me after I expressed on Sunday that my port was hurting pretty bad, I thank you. I felt your prayers. I was really uncomfortable and unable to move my arm on Sunday. I put out the word, and Monday I woke up, and suddenly could move my arm! It was still a little uncomfortable, but it healed more overnight than it had the previous 4 days combined!
In more ways than that, I feel very blessed. My family is so amazing in how they have all rallied around me to let me know that I am not alone, and will not have to go through this alone. My church has offered food, house cleaning, rides, anything I or John might need throughout all of this. I have friends that have offered me their blood. Their blood! I have received so much support from people I don't even know, and I want you to know that every email, every voicemail, comment on facebook or here, it makes me smile and it makes me feel very loved and supported. My head is still swimming, so I rarely even get to respond to them, but they are received and I tuck them away inside for the bad days when I feel awful.
I do though; I feel blessed. I feel blessed that even though the cancer was so much bigger than a regular adenocarcinoma, it hadn't spread yet. I feel blessed because my work is so willing to rearrange schedule after schedule to accommodate me and my health. I feel blessed that, although the "power port" was not fun to install, it will keep me from having to get IV's every week. And lastly, and least importantly I feel blessed that the lady at CVS gave me the least painful (flu) shot that I have ever had in my life. In and out, no pain. Ha! It really is the little things (and I was just really tired of being stuck, so it was a stupid little blessing, but a huge blessing at the same time).
It's funny how sometimes it takes a really sucky situation to make you more thankful than you were before. Even before all this happened, that is one area that I knew I needed to improve on. (just ask John!) I am by nature a problem solver, which can be a great thing. The unseen evil that goes along with that is that you see every little problem. (After all, how could a problem solver fix problems unless they can see them?) It is nice to have something big that eclipses all the other little annoyances for a change. So that is already one thing I feel like I will be taking away from this. Again though, as I've told many of you, I expect that my attitude will completely change once chemo starts and I feel like vomiting constantly. But that is where the rubber meets the road I guess. These few weeks before chemo, these are the "learning lesson" times. The days after chemo, those are the "practicing the lesson" times. Ewwww. Not fun. Necessary, but not fun. I apologize in advance. Please remember me like this when I becoming the sniveling whiney machine.
In more ways than that, I feel very blessed. My family is so amazing in how they have all rallied around me to let me know that I am not alone, and will not have to go through this alone. My church has offered food, house cleaning, rides, anything I or John might need throughout all of this. I have friends that have offered me their blood. Their blood! I have received so much support from people I don't even know, and I want you to know that every email, every voicemail, comment on facebook or here, it makes me smile and it makes me feel very loved and supported. My head is still swimming, so I rarely even get to respond to them, but they are received and I tuck them away inside for the bad days when I feel awful.
I do though; I feel blessed. I feel blessed that even though the cancer was so much bigger than a regular adenocarcinoma, it hadn't spread yet. I feel blessed because my work is so willing to rearrange schedule after schedule to accommodate me and my health. I feel blessed that, although the "power port" was not fun to install, it will keep me from having to get IV's every week. And lastly, and least importantly I feel blessed that the lady at CVS gave me the least painful (flu) shot that I have ever had in my life. In and out, no pain. Ha! It really is the little things (and I was just really tired of being stuck, so it was a stupid little blessing, but a huge blessing at the same time).
It's funny how sometimes it takes a really sucky situation to make you more thankful than you were before. Even before all this happened, that is one area that I knew I needed to improve on. (just ask John!) I am by nature a problem solver, which can be a great thing. The unseen evil that goes along with that is that you see every little problem. (After all, how could a problem solver fix problems unless they can see them?) It is nice to have something big that eclipses all the other little annoyances for a change. So that is already one thing I feel like I will be taking away from this. Again though, as I've told many of you, I expect that my attitude will completely change once chemo starts and I feel like vomiting constantly. But that is where the rubber meets the road I guess. These few weeks before chemo, these are the "learning lesson" times. The days after chemo, those are the "practicing the lesson" times. Ewwww. Not fun. Necessary, but not fun. I apologize in advance. Please remember me like this when I becoming the sniveling whiney machine.
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