Party, and deep thoughts about gender

So, first things first: I told y'all I would update you on when the party was going to be.  Sorry this is a little short notice, but it will be next Sunday from 2-5 at my parents house.  If you don't know where that is, go ahead and comment and I'll email you.  (I figure they don't want me publishing their address for all to see...)

Next... I had a random thought about Biblical gender as seen at the VERY beginning.  Don't ask me the entire process that it took for me to get to this thought.  The inner workings of my mind move very fast and very randomly.  I'll just say it all started with eating berries, and morphed from there.  haha!  So, according to the Bible, both male and female encompass attributes of God.  In fact, you cannot even begin to understand God without taking both of those roles into account.  Men have that protective, pioneering, authoritative, cultivating, warrior aspect.  (This is a very broad generality of course...) Women, have the softer, wise, care taking, nurturing, loving, tender, gentle aspect.  Both of these are aspects of the God that we serve.  He created male and female, because in them is the fullness of God expressed.  That being said, you have to imagine that when he first created Adam, he was already planning on creating Eve.   Otherwise, mankind would only reflect part of Himself.  But He kinda doesn't let Adam in on this little fact.  It occurred to me that God treated man at the very beginning the way men like to be treated now: they need to figure it out on their own.  Adam had to come to the realization that he wasn't complete.  In fact, God let him go through EVERY animal searching for the perfect "helpmate" and let him grovel in the fact that none could be found.  It was then, and only then, that God created Eve.  At that point, Adam was more than ready to receive:)  But it is interesting how God allowed him to go through that entire process of "figuring it out for himself" (ie: not asking for directions) before He came through with His provision (Eve). 

It seems like such a silly thing, but I found it rather amusing.  There really is something built in, something good, about men's propensity to need to figure things out themselves.  Even God himself respected it.  It is wise to seek counsel of course.  The Lord is very clear about that throughout the rest of scripture.  But there really are times to just let them work it out, even if we already know the answer.  Wisdom and grace are shown by knowing which time is which though. 

[Disclaimer: John has no problem asking for directions.  He calls me his "little GPS"]

2:28 am, and still awake

This usually happens.  The night before chemo, I have a hard time getting to sleep.  There is this real conflict of... something... emotions probably, but it feels like a blend of thoughts and emotions.  Maybe it's the chaos as my brain tries to break up a fight between my positive and negative emotions, and thus my brain joins the fray.  Whatever it is, it is fairly predictable.  John caught onto it a lot earlier than I did.  Sometimes I'd be cranky.  Other times I'd be all emotional.  Either way, John knew that he was going to have to take a deep breath and whether the storm, whatever that might be for the night.  It was a lot better for us once he gently gently brought this to my attention.  (It was probably prompted by me saying some thing like "What is wrong with me tonight?!?  I feel so... so... so something.  Anxious or something..." To which he probably wrapped me in his arms and said "Yeah, I've come to expect that the night before chemo".  me: "What? I do this every time?" John: "Yup.")  So there you have it.  Mystery kinda solved.

Unfortunately knowing the source and the cause doesn't necessarily make it go away.  There's that part of me that is praying that all my gorging on pineapples has lifted my platelet levels, and I'll be able to do chemo tomorrow.  The good news will be: I don't have to delay chemo more!  The bad news will be: I have to do chemo now.  Ewwww... Me no likey.  BUT BUT BUT!!!  The really good news (best case scenario) is that if I can do chemo tomorrow (technically it's "today" but I don't consider tomorrow today until I've actually gone to sleep and woken up.) So, chemo tomorrow, and then Dr. Le could possibly say "We'll do a week and a half gap instead of 2 weeks, and do your chemo next Wednesday".  This would put me back on track without any delays.  At that point, after that one that is a mere week and half away from now, I will only have ONE MORE SESSION!!!  Tomorrow is third to last.  After I'm done with that one, there there are only two more!  And after that next one, there is only ONE more!!!!!!  That's totally doable.  I think it is anyways.

So, no deep thoughts tonight.  Just a dance of anxiety and hope.  It's a rather elegant dance though, if I do say so myself:)

Catharsis and rambling thoughts

Well, I think my crisis of yesterday has passed.  It needed to happen I guess.  Probably won't be the last time.  My mom is awesome and came over to clean the gunky stuff of counters and floors, and help me change the bed sheets.  It has done much more for my state of mind than I expected.  We talked about how I needed to really get out of the house.  It is not good for me to be here so much.  She suggested looking into some volunteering stuff.  I agreed.  I called children's hospital today, to see if they needed any tutors for some of their in-patient oncology kids.  I explained my situation (about me having cancer too) and she said that I would probably have to get a written approval from my Doctor to do anything, since my own immune system will also be so compromised.  I have a feeling it won't work out.  But I'll keep looking for something.  I want to be around people.  Unfortunately, people have germs.  I'll figure something out.  It will be a fun research project.

I am getting out of the house today.  I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym.  I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week.  My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out.  Just not right away:)

I said a really stupid prayer this morning.  Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't.  However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that!  But you have to win the tickets.  So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!"  I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer.  Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool.  He started answering all these little prayers, over and over.  Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel.  And they would cancel.  God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain.  And it would rain.  God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home.  And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home.  There were all these little tiny prayers.  God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want.  But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear.  He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now.  I have not forgotten you."  It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired.  I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust.  And I do.  He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN.  And I ask for stupid things like that now.

T minus 13 hours, 53 minutes

It was a nice night.  My friend Katy put together a super informal "good luck tomorrow" party tonight.  It was just a few close friends, dinner, and "glee", but it rocked my world.  All day today, my stomach has been doing little flip-flops every time I think about tomorrow.  Solution: don't think about it.  As they say, it'll come whether I think about it or not.  (I'm not sure who "they" are, but I'm sure somebody says that...)  When the doctor first told me that he thought I might have cancer, I assured him that I was not freaking out (which I wasn't).  (and I wasn't because I feel like I was being prepared for the news for like a month beforehand).  The way I described it to Dr. Park, it wasn't like having a bomb dropped on me.  It was more like watching a tornado from really far away.  You can see it coming.  You can't get away from it.  All you can do is swallow, get ready, and hold onto something for dear life.  It isn't a shock necessarily, but it isn't not shocking either.  That's how I feel about tomorrow.  It's the same huge tornado that has been off in the distance, that I have watched get closer and closer. 

I really don't know what else to say about it. Flip flop goes the stomach...  Thank you everybody for all your love and support.  I may seem like I am handling all this well, but I honestly think it has a lot to do with how much love I have coming my way.  I guess next time you hear from me, I'll have a tube hooked up to my chest.

Oh yeah! I guess I could give the details. I go in tomorrow at 11:15.  They will hook me up to one chemical for 2 hours, and then a second one for another 2 hours, and then a third one that I'll take home with me for the next 44 hours.  So in essence, I'll be having the treatment for a full 48 hours.  After the 44 hours of the final chemical, I'll go back up to the hospital to be unhooked.  John is meeting me at work and taking me over to the hospital, and mom is meeting me at the hospital and taking me home to my parent's house for the next two days, so I can have someone home with me.  That's the plan so far anyway. Thank you God for family!!

Work, and an attitude adjustment

I don’t think I’ve had the best attitude about work these last few weeks.  I have felt so tired, somewhat defeated, and just… lazy.  Well, I call it lazy.  My family and doctors refers to it as “normal” or something crazy like that.  When my body feels sick, the whole world takes on this shadow of doom: everything is overwhelming, and everything seems to be an impossible task that I can only surmount by practically killing myself.  At least that is how it feels.  The future, even if it’s just 2 hours of work the next day, feels impossible, and I have dreaded it.  My attitude was along the lines of “I can’t wait to have an excuse to take extended leave”.  What a cop out!  It’s like I wasn’t even planning to fight.  I was just resigned to feeling like crap.  It was just a fact of the matter, a decided fate. 

But I feel like I have turned a corner today.  I realized something.  No, I take that back.  I remembered something today.  I really do love what I do.  I do.  I legitimately like my kids.  I can’t share too much about my students, for privacy sake, but I’ll share a little.  I have this one boy whom I suspect has had it drilled into him that he is stupid, stupid, stupid.  Every question I ask, he’ll start to say something and then stop himself and mutter “No, that’s probably wrong.”  A good amount of the time he isn’t wrong.  He just expects that he will be.  If he does give a wrong answer, or if he is just drawing a blank, he sits there and verbally says “Gosh!  I’m so stupid!” and other degrading comments about himself.  You don’t get that way on your own.  Someone has to have “encouraged” you to think that way about yourself.  I get to be that other voice.  (Well, I and the other teachers of course)  Every time he thinks that he’s wrong, but is actually right, I get to remind him that he needs to trust his brain, because it is a good brain.  I get to tell him how capable he is, because he really does have a good head on his shoulders.  What will I do if I don’t get to be the one telling him that week after week?  I’ll crumble on the inside.  I live for, and I love, being that person in his life.  And not just him, but the rest of the guys as well.  I have another kid that I’ve just recently discovered mainly thinks in pictures.  He isn’t autistic or anything like that, but he just has this mental block when it come to big science words.  We are now going through his Biology 2, taking notes via pictures (not an easy task).  We are going at like, a quarter of the speed that we technically should, but that is why this school is so amazing.  I have the freedom to do what’s best for the student, and ensure that he is learning, and not just shrugging my shoulders, and compromising the process to ensure that I can pass him along.  He is a challenge, and I love reveling in the fact that I don’t have to deal with someone else’s timeline.  I can do what is best for him. 

For the first time since my diagnosis, I have felt the fight welling up inside me.  Everyone kept telling me what a fighter I was, but I didn’t agree.  I felt pretty resigned.  But I’m not anymore, or at least not today.  I want to fight.  I have the best excuse in the world to take time off, and I don’t want to anymore.  I had pretty much closed my eyes, and prepared myself to take the punches, and merely endure.  But I think I’ve changed my mind.  I think I might want to swing back.  I might end up going down in the end (as in having to take a leave), but I don’t think I’ll go down without a fight anymore.  It was a good day. 

Hurry up and wait

It's that "in-between" time right now.  I'm not still in pain from surgery (well, not much anyway) and I haven't started chemo yet.  You think that this would all be real to me already, but I'm not sure if it is.  I keep making jokes about it.  The last brownie is mine.  I've got cancer.  It's the cancer card.  I haven't pulled it for real, but I kinda joke about it.  Every time I make a comment, every time I make a joke, I feel like it's me running the thought by my subconscious.  I am asking "Do you believe it now?" and I'm still not sure if I do.  It isn't real.  The scar on my stomach is pretty much healed up, though its still painful to push on.  (I know... so don't push it.)  It's healed, and even that doesn't seem real any more. 

I was watching a movie with John tonight, and after the credits rolled, I just said it out loud again.  "I've got cancer".  Yup.  Still nothing.  It still sounds like some line from a soap opera, and I hate soap operas.  John says he feels the same way, that it is all kinda surreal.  But as he said, "Let's revel in the surreal while we can.  It will be real soon enough."  And it sure will be.  Wednesday.  T minus 3 days and 12 hours. 

I've got half of me that feels nothing, and the other half... I don't know.  Every now and then I think about being hooked up to machines and having crazy chemicals running through my veins, and my stomach does a flip flop, like I'm about to give a public speech or go on stage to perform.  I started this blog to keep people informed about the facts, but I also wanted to put my thoughts down.  Up until now, I've kept it as much factual only.  But there is a catharsis in writing.  I don't know if is interesting to anyone else, or if it is just for my own release.  How does one feel nothing, and scared, and peaceful all at the same time?