Saturday, October 2, 2010

Hurry up and wait

It's that "in-between" time right now.  I'm not still in pain from surgery (well, not much anyway) and I haven't started chemo yet.  You think that this would all be real to me already, but I'm not sure if it is.  I keep making jokes about it.  The last brownie is mine.  I've got cancer.  It's the cancer card.  I haven't pulled it for real, but I kinda joke about it.  Every time I make a comment, every time I make a joke, I feel like it's me running the thought by my subconscious.  I am asking "Do you believe it now?" and I'm still not sure if I do.  It isn't real.  The scar on my stomach is pretty much healed up, though its still painful to push on.  (I know... so don't push it.)  It's healed, and even that doesn't seem real any more. 

I was watching a movie with John tonight, and after the credits rolled, I just said it out loud again.  "I've got cancer".  Yup.  Still nothing.  It still sounds like some line from a soap opera, and I hate soap operas.  John says he feels the same way, that it is all kinda surreal.  But as he said, "Let's revel in the surreal while we can.  It will be real soon enough."  And it sure will be.  Wednesday.  T minus 3 days and 12 hours. 

I've got half of me that feels nothing, and the other half... I don't know.  Every now and then I think about being hooked up to machines and having crazy chemicals running through my veins, and my stomach does a flip flop, like I'm about to give a public speech or go on stage to perform.  I started this blog to keep people informed about the facts, but I also wanted to put my thoughts down.  Up until now, I've kept it as much factual only.  But there is a catharsis in writing.  I don't know if is interesting to anyone else, or if it is just for my own release.  How does one feel nothing, and scared, and peaceful all at the same time?

Monday, September 27, 2010

The port works!

I went in to see Dr. Le today.  I had called to tell her that we were worried (we as in me, John and my parents) to start chemo this week since I still wasn't feeling all that great.  She said to come in so she could draw some blood to check my levels.  From the immediate results, there didn't seem to be anything to explain why I've felt so weak, but we get the full results back tomorrow.  My hemoglobin was down some, but not as low as it had been before.  I really don't want to think that after all this I'm still losing blood somewhere.  I'm sure it was just a temporary dip.

Anyways, she said that I might just be low on fluids, and recommended that I stay to just get a bag of saline before I left.  SO!!!!  It was my first time to use the port!!  It was great!  They sprayed this numbing stuff on it, and then poked it with a needle that I refused to look at and BAM!  It was in! I was getting fluids, and there was NO painful IV!!!  Miracle of miracles!  I love this port.  I think it will become my bestest, bestest friend within these next few months.  Here's a picture.  It's just off my iPhone.  The port needle is the yellow thing taped to my chest.  It has the small tube coming off of it that goes to the IV bags/fluids.  I hope to figure out how to make it fashionable.  After all, I'll be wearing it for 44 hours straight every other week:)

Oh, and she agreed that we should put the chemo off for another week, so I'll start the Wednesday after this.