Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Catharsis and rambling thoughts

Well, I think my crisis of yesterday has passed.  It needed to happen I guess.  Probably won't be the last time.  My mom is awesome and came over to clean the gunky stuff of counters and floors, and help me change the bed sheets.  It has done much more for my state of mind than I expected.  We talked about how I needed to really get out of the house.  It is not good for me to be here so much.  She suggested looking into some volunteering stuff.  I agreed.  I called children's hospital today, to see if they needed any tutors for some of their in-patient oncology kids.  I explained my situation (about me having cancer too) and she said that I would probably have to get a written approval from my Doctor to do anything, since my own immune system will also be so compromised.  I have a feeling it won't work out.  But I'll keep looking for something.  I want to be around people.  Unfortunately, people have germs.  I'll figure something out.  It will be a fun research project.

I am getting out of the house today.  I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym.  I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week.  My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out.  Just not right away:)

I said a really stupid prayer this morning.  Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't.  However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that!  But you have to win the tickets.  So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!"  I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer.  Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool.  He started answering all these little prayers, over and over.  Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel.  And they would cancel.  God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain.  And it would rain.  God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home.  And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home.  There were all these little tiny prayers.  God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want.  But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear.  He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now.  I have not forgotten you."  It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired.  I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust.  And I do.  He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN.  And I ask for stupid things like that now.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Warning: super depressing post

Sorry this is depressing.  It is just how I feel today...

I feel lonely today.  Brutally, painfully lonely.  I feel like the shut in, who lives life peeking through cracked curtains in their living room, looking out onto the outside world.  Except for me, it's facebook.  I sit in my house, not really feeling confident enough to even drive, and just surf over everybody else's lives.  "Catching up" with them in a completely one sided way.  I make comments, and I chat with a few of them.  But it isn't the same.  Nope, I can't make your birthday party, or this or that event.  That's a chemo week.  I can feel myself starting to wallow.  It isn't pretty.  I just sat here and cried, for the first time since my diagnosis.  It actually felt pretty good.

I decided to call my mom.  I have been getting increasingly more and more depressed at the state of our apartment.  It is embarrassing.  When I was first diagnosed, my church offered to set up a care calendar with people who could come help with housework and food and stuff.  I felt at the time "It's a 700 square foot apartment.  I can't imagine it getting too out of control.  I'm sure I can handle it."  If you hear a smacking sound, that is just me, eating my words. 

Mom didn't even bat an eyelash.  She is going to come over as soon as she is done with her ride.  What did I ever do to deserve such an awesome family?  Thank you God. 

Sunday, November 7, 2010

No bone pain!

I am very pleased to announce (hopefully not too soon, knock on wood) that I have NOT had any bone pain from the latest shot!  My energy levels have been going up and down depending on how many doses of meds I need for the muscle spasms and other assorted pain.  (I have some random back spasms that  I think are probably from a night of sleeping wrong, probably needing chiropractor work,  because they don't feel like the other spasms in the rest of my body.  Hopefully I can get that taken care of sometime this week, if it doesn't go away on it's own.)  SO!  Thank you you all who have been praying for me.  I was a little nervous about the effects of the shot.  And for all of those who are praying for the nausea, as of today I have only "gotten sick" twice from the chemo, which is a miracle for someone with such a sensitive stomach as I.

I am finally allowing myself to relax for the first time in who knows how long.  Since I do not have to worry about work, and lessons, and deadlines, I feel free to be sick for the first time.  That sounds like a crappy kind of "freedom" I know, but for those of you who know me well, that is actually a pretty liberating milestone for me.  There is much sleep taking place, and without guilt.  I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before the restlessness really kicks in, so I am already preparing for a myriad of productive ways to occupy my time that do not involve deadlines or necessity.  (I'm thinking about trying to organize and album the 10 billion pictures I have in our storage unit.)

However, one of the things I am currently doing (as of last night) is helping John with his research.  He submitted an article to a journal/magazine that was meant to be a mere "opinion" piece (ie: research based, but without all the fancy citations and much shorter than an actual article)  However, they liked it so much that they requested that he turn it in to a full blow article for their publication.  I am helping him out by collecting specific sources for each of the claims that he is making in the piece.  I could really see this as something that I might want to do in the future.  I may not be a good "helpmate" in terms of cooking and cleaning.  But by golly, I can research with the best of them!

And last, but no least, I just want to give a shout out to the Kingston's.  Anne, I have really enjoyed getting your letters.  Jack, I loved hearing first hand about the work that you are doing in Washington and abroad.  Congratulations on your re-election!