Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bird's nest hair

A girl in my Bible study reminded us of an old adage that I like.  It is mainly in regards to how we deal with negative thoughts or feelings.

"You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can keep it from building a nest in your hair."

Love the imagery.  This has been me today:

Awesome day yesterday

I went to the nutritionist yesterday.  She wasn't nearly as scary as my doctor had said!  She didn't say anything that wasn't just plain common sense, and/or good organic sense.  I got a little insight as to maybe why it seems like my mom and I seem to get every weird ailment out there and people like my dad and husband don't.  She framed it in terms of the body's ability to naturally sift out toxins.  Some people's bodies do it well, others do it poorly.  That makes sense.  Someone like my husband can eat pretty much whatever and his body can pick out the good stuff and toss the rest of the crap.  Me, my body's a hoarder.  It keeps everything, and then lives in it's own toxic cesspool.

It was a really great day yesterday.  I went to work, met mom for lunch while I got an iv saline bag, and then to the appointment.  After the saline bag, I was feeling so chipper and energetic.  It was awesome.  I need days like that to remind myself of reality: the reality that life and the future are not as overwhelming as they feel.  When I feel like I do today, I have to remind myself of days like yesterday.  Otherwise, I would believe all my negative thoughts. 

I felt pretty cruddy today.  I wanted to do so much.  I wanted to clean, and cook, and grocery shop, and do laundry.  I did succeed in cleaning the bedroom and making a birthday card for my in-laws, and that's about it.  The rest of the time I was sitting like a bump on a log thinking of all the things that I should be doing.  It's like the real me was trapped inside my brain going "OK, I'm going to do x, y, and z.  Ready?  1, 2, 3, GO!  Why aren't I going?"

But yesterday was good.  I'll think about yesterday.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Bye bye to comfort food...

Well, it's been almost a week since my first treatment.  Besides the nausea this weekend, I really can't tell if what I'm feeling is from the chemo or from other factors.  For one, it's allergy season and my body goes all wacky, like I have mono, every allergy season.  Also, I probably haven't been eating the way I should.  I have to admit, I've taken some liberties in my diet and have eaten stuff that I've tried to stay away from for quite some time.  I think I kinda threw all the rules aside when I had to go on that liquid diet for a few weeks around surgery time.  I figured, "If I can't have solids, then ice cream is a viable food option again."  This time, my thinking is more along the lines of "Quick!  I've got the nutritionist appointment tomorrow!  Eat it now!"  It's been my own little Mardi-Gras.  (I even had a candy bar today!  Ooooooohhhh!!  I haven't had one in over a year I think.)

I've heard this particular nutritionist described by my oncologist as a "nazi".  Apparently lots of people have had a difficult time following her hard core regime when it comes to what they can or cannot eat.  I'm not particularly good at self control, but I stuck to a restricted diet for three months a little over a year ago.  I figure I might as well give it my best shot for 6 months, even though it might mean resigning myself to some kind of raw carrot puree crap for a while.  (Hence, the candy bar today.) I don't know.  We'll see.  It just seems hard to think of giving up all your "comfort foods" at a time like this.  I mean, if this isn't an excuse to eat whatever the heck you want, I don't know what is!  But I have to keep in mind that it is in my best interest to make my body feel as good as it can.  I'll let you know the "bad news" tomorrow I guess...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Update on Nausea

It is so weird.  With all my fancy $100 a pill medicines for the extreme nausea, it was the ginger ale that finally worked.  I was even able to go on a nice walk with John around the park!  I'm sure it was some combination of the pills and ale, but I'm not going to dissect it!  I'm just going to enjoy sitting up!


I wish I had a better report of how little side effects I have, or that the first round hasn't been so bad, but  I am really struggling with the nausea (and flat out stomach pain), which is what the doctor had suspected I would have trouble with.  I've taken the maximum amount of meds, and it is still a problem.  Poor John had to get up twice last night to bring me more meds: some anti-nausea pills, and eventually the pain meds to just knock me out.  I had to miss church today because my tummy was just so unhappy.

I am impressed each and every minute at what a selfless husband I have.  He doesn't act like it is a burden on him (even though I know it is).  When I whispered his name last night for the pills, it's like he immediately woke to attention, and jumped out of bed to go get me what I needed.  Today, when someone suggested I try some ginger ale (since ginger is known to settle the stomach), his first response was "Want me to go out and get some right now?"  He's got his 4 classes that he's teaching.  He's got his PhD comps to study for, and yet his immediate response is to do whatever needs to be done for my health.  I really couldn't ask for a better husband that him.  He amazes me.  I am humbled.

I called the doctor about the nausea, and they said that the only thing left was sleeping pills, to just knock me out.  I let them call it in, but I don't think I'll use those quite yet.  I am not overwhelmed to the point of needing to just be unconscious, though I might get there.  The ginger ale is actually helping a lot.  My main dilemma is whether/when to call work.  I only have a two hour session tomorrow.  I feel like I can make it through it.  I've just got this fear of throwing up in public.  And who knows, I might be through the worst of this by tonight.  I'll probably call somebody just to check in though, and let them know what I'm thinking.  I really don't want to miss out with my student tomorrow.  I really do adore him.

On a happy note, I've got a new friend!  There's a cat that has suddenly started hanging out, and has sorta adopted us.  As dorky as it sounds, I actually feel a little better when I'm sitting with her and petting her.  Animals to me are therapeutic. (I am sooooo my mother's daughter...) I think it just takes my mind off my body. It's like God just sent me a little silly piece of love, wrapped up in a furry bundle.  He hasn't forgotten me. She can't come in (though she tries!) because of John's allergies, so we just gave her a little basket with a towel on the porch, which she loves.