So, this blog was originally meant to keep people updated on what was going on with my cancer. I was supposed to come out of it better. Stronger. Hillary 2.0. Unfortunately, this is not what has happened. They always say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've always thought that was a load of crap. What doesn't kill you can make you decidedly weaker. But this post isn't just about weakness.
There is a lot of weakness though. One of the best parts about cancer (how often have you heard THAT...) was that it had a name. People know what cancer is. They are familiar with what it does. It's a physical entity. You can see it on a machine. You can empirically measure it. It was like people finally understood: Hillary is sick. What many people, outside my close friends and family, is that I have always been sick. I started out sick. I pushed through life and did my best, but somehow everything always came back to the hospital in one way or another. Chronic kidney disease. Few people really understand that one, or what it can do to you. I've watched myself slowly become less of the person I wanted to be. I watched career options slip away, because I was not physically able to handle the demands. And during cancer, I watched the whole world carry on, while I sat behind my computer and communicated the only way I knew how. And now, 3 years out, I find myself going backwards again. And it sucks. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always on the brink of really getting sick. Because when I get sick, I stay sick for a good month, and then it's like I'm on probation for another couple. I have to say no to going out. I can't fully explain to people why 3 days of work a week is really difficult. I have no name that I can use that will help people understand that I'm not as healthy as I look. It's really frustrating.
I've begun feeling sorry for myself again. I've been praying and calling out to God, asking Him for the healing that I know Jehovah Rapha can bring. I asked my small group to pray for me last week as I just sat in the middle with everyone's hands on me, crying. Afterwards, I got into a conversation with a good friend and my small group leader. I kept lamenting how frustrated I was. I couldn't understand why God was allowing my body to wither like it is. I kept speculating this way and that way as to the why of the matter. Do I have too much pride? Is He trying to humble me? Maybe God has some amazing ministry for me one day and He's hamstringing me until then so that I will know that it is indeed He that is doing the good work. I was honest about how frustrated I was because there was so much I wanted to "do" for Him. But she stopped me there and asked me "What if all He wants you to do is to be for the praise of His glory?" That has kept me thinking all week.
Just be for the praise of His glory? What does that look like? My home group leader does pottery. She explained how some pieces she creates for no particular purpose other than they are beautiful and asked me if I was willing to possibly accept myself as that. She rightfully pointed out how much like Martha I have become, constantly trying to do instead of just BE. So while I would love to be useful, maybe I'm that little sheep who's legs need to be broken so that the shepherd can just carry it around. All I have is speculation. Speculation as to why I have to live like this. But it is a lesson that I am trying to learn. Am I content to just be for the praise of His glory? If I am homebound and I am unable to minister to a single person, am I content to be beautiful before my God and bring him glory, even if it's just the two of us? (Three actually. John gets to see me in all my awesomeness.) I want the answer to be a resounding yes, but I'll be honest... My heart says no. And that tells me that my heart has forgotten it's purpose.
Is that the lesson I am supposed to be learning? Who knows. There could be a hundred reasons. Or, my body is just a product of a fallen world. But even if it is, I know that God has not forgotten me, and He promises to work ALL things for good. But in the meantime, if y'all could pray for me, that would be awesome. As always, when I whine, I must end with what I know to be true: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Friday, July 4, 2014
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Praise God for answered prayers!!!
HOLY COW!! I have been praising God to everyone who will listen to me for the last two hours or so. God is so good! Prayer request #1 was answered!!! And it was answered in an even better way than I prayed for!! When they first hired me, they only really needed me for 2 days a week. I told the lady that I could do 3, to which she responded with "Great! We can find stuff for you to do! Math tutorials, SAT prep... We'll keep you busy!" The closer it came to school starting the more and more terrified I got because I knew that I was physically incapable of doing 3 days a week. Two days didn't scare me as badly. I felt pretty comfortable committing to 2 days, but not 3. But now I was in the awkward position of telling my boss "Hey! Remember that whole cancer and chemo thing? Well, I don't think I'm fully over it. In fact, I'm so tired that 3 measly days a week is too much." Yeah... that's not the way you want to start out a job. So, as I mentioned yesterday about prayer, I wanted to be able to go down to 2 days, and I wanted HER to bring it up. I thought maybe it could be like budget cuts or something. I knew the talk would be awkward for them to have, but I didn't care. I'd pretend to be bummed, all the while rejoicing on the inside.
But God answered it even BETTER than that! NOBODY had to bring it up! We discussed my schedule, and pretty much everything fell on 2 days as expected. And before we could really talk about the 3rd day, I just said "Yeah! Tuesday and Wednesdays sound great, with the occasional Friday if the kids are behind." So, occasionally I'll have a 2 and a half day week. But it's only on an "as needed" basis. I feel so relieved. SOOOO relieved! And nobody had to have an awkward conversation. It all just worked itself out. I am on cloud 9, and actually looking forward to teaching again, instead of dreading it. God is so good. And so specific! And He does it even BETTER than we ask for.
But God answered it even BETTER than that! NOBODY had to bring it up! We discussed my schedule, and pretty much everything fell on 2 days as expected. And before we could really talk about the 3rd day, I just said "Yeah! Tuesday and Wednesdays sound great, with the occasional Friday if the kids are behind." So, occasionally I'll have a 2 and a half day week. But it's only on an "as needed" basis. I feel so relieved. SOOOO relieved! And nobody had to have an awkward conversation. It all just worked itself out. I am on cloud 9, and actually looking forward to teaching again, instead of dreading it. God is so good. And so specific! And He does it even BETTER than we ask for.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Prayer!! Need prayer!!!
Hello everyone! Ok, here's the situation. I felt like I was gonna pass out for the last 5 days or so. I had just gotten an infection and was wondering if that was the reason, or if my blood was low. The answer is yes. Yes to both. The infection apparently can take a toll on a chemo patient and can make you feel like death. (Check...)
On a positive note, my hemoglobin levels were low, but not that low. They met the minimum requirement of what is needed to proceed with chemo. (they were at least 2 pints higher than what they were last time we had this little crisis) HOWEVER... my platelets... my platelets are tanked even lower than last time. The average range is between 130-400, and mine is registering at 52. Yikes!!! (Thank God I haven't had any nosebleeds again though or gotten any cuts, or I'm sure my hemoglobin would also be way low!) The problem with this is that there is a minimum requirement for both hemoglobin and platelets in order to proceed with chemo for the week. I DO NOT WANT TO MISS CHEMO AGAIN!!! I do not want to put my ending date back ANOTHER week!!!! The minimum that my platelets need to be in order to be deemed "healthy enough for chemo" is 80. Please, please, please, please pray that my platelets would get up to the minimum within the next day and a half. (Shoot! Pray that they get up to the normal range! Dream big, right?) I can't stress how much I don't want to delay another week.
I'm honestly not stressing all that much about it, because whenever I have put something out here for people to pray for, I have usually seen almost immediate results. God is good, and He listens to the prayers of His people. I feel ABSOLUTELY confident that He will do this. However, even if He chooses not to, I praise the name of my God because He is good. (say it with me! "The Lord is good" "When?" "All the time") I love the prayer of Job. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord". Here's my song for the day. For those of you who were at my wedding, this was the song that John and I walked out with, right after our big fantastic smooch. Please forgive the graphics. There's no way to get a Christian song without seriously cheesy graphics. Just listen and read the lyrics and chuckle to yourself at the graphics:)
On a positive note, my hemoglobin levels were low, but not that low. They met the minimum requirement of what is needed to proceed with chemo. (they were at least 2 pints higher than what they were last time we had this little crisis) HOWEVER... my platelets... my platelets are tanked even lower than last time. The average range is between 130-400, and mine is registering at 52. Yikes!!! (Thank God I haven't had any nosebleeds again though or gotten any cuts, or I'm sure my hemoglobin would also be way low!) The problem with this is that there is a minimum requirement for both hemoglobin and platelets in order to proceed with chemo for the week. I DO NOT WANT TO MISS CHEMO AGAIN!!! I do not want to put my ending date back ANOTHER week!!!! The minimum that my platelets need to be in order to be deemed "healthy enough for chemo" is 80. Please, please, please, please pray that my platelets would get up to the minimum within the next day and a half. (Shoot! Pray that they get up to the normal range! Dream big, right?) I can't stress how much I don't want to delay another week.
I'm honestly not stressing all that much about it, because whenever I have put something out here for people to pray for, I have usually seen almost immediate results. God is good, and He listens to the prayers of His people. I feel ABSOLUTELY confident that He will do this. However, even if He chooses not to, I praise the name of my God because He is good. (say it with me! "The Lord is good" "When?" "All the time") I love the prayer of Job. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord". Here's my song for the day. For those of you who were at my wedding, this was the song that John and I walked out with, right after our big fantastic smooch. Please forgive the graphics. There's no way to get a Christian song without seriously cheesy graphics. Just listen and read the lyrics and chuckle to yourself at the graphics:)
(Blessed be the name of the Lord by Matthew Redman)
(Also, I want to give a shout out to some super awesome people who have been blessing me like crazy! (Of course my parents) Thank you to my cousin Mary who actually canceled a work appointment to take me into the hospital last Thursday when I was feeling so sick. Thanks to my other cousin Mandy for actually sitting through two bags of fluid with me. Thank you to some people from John's school (I'm not sure who...), Abby, Katy, and Stephanie for some awesome meals. And a huge thank you to my bff Jenise who actually came over to help me clean (Ok, she did most of it while I layed on the couch and cried on John. But I helped some!). Not only did she do it, but she expressed LOVING it the whole time! (She's kinda a freak like that. Of course, one of her reasons for loving it was she loved being able to actually see such a difference while doing it. It gave her a sense of accomplishment. It game me a sense of shame. Haha!)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Low blood, no chemo, yay crutches...
Well, it's been an interesting week. It was nice having John home so much. 4 snow days in a row!! Crazy! I was having some pretty serious trouble with nose bleeds. (is that one word? Nosebleed?) I've never really had them before, but I just couldn't get it to stop! I called my doctor, but I don't think she really understood how much blood I was talking about. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty weak. I really wanted to get my blood levels checked to see how much I had lost, but I couldn't really get around in the snow and ice (especially not all the way over to Plano). So, I just waited till today when I was going in to get fluids. As expected, it was low. Apparently I lost like 2-3 pints! Crazy! (still not as low as when I had the big fat tumor though!) I was expecting maybe a pint, pint and a half. My platelets were also around half of what they should be. (The nurse said she'd seen much lower, so that's good. Well, I guess not good for that person, but good that I'm not horrifically low.) Dr Lee said that was probably why clotting was a problem, since platelets are involved in the body's clotting response, and that's why I couldn't get it to stop. So, I guess with the numbers so low, at least I don't feel like I am just a wimp for being so tired!! I showed the nurse some of my lovely pictures of how much blood I was losing. I felt very reassured to hear that she had seen similar before. As long as somebody tells me that it's normal, I'm happy. So, anyways there is a certain level of blood and blood platelets that you have to have in order to be consider "healthy" enough to do chemo, and unfortunately I don't make the cut this week:( I'll have to wait till next week which doesn't thrill me because that means that chemo will trickle over into beginning of April. It really is amazing though that it's taken me this long to get to that point! I know of lots of people who have had this problem way earlier on in their treatments, so I still consider myself lucky.
Oh! Ha!! And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again. I'm such a pathetic mess!! Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:) It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap! About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year. I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas... I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes. A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming! Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out. Maybe this'll help?
Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately. That has made a world of difference! Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer. It really makes a difference. It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here. Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:
19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
Amen!!
My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book! It's right about the level I can handle right now. I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind. So, I guess that's the update for today!
If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is. Pray that my blood numbers would get up. Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining. (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill. It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John. I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband. He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself. AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams. He is such a mighty man. I am in awe. But he could really use some encouragement and energy. I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night. It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot. It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal? Is that normal? Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of. That's all for now! As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer.
Oh! Ha!! And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again. I'm such a pathetic mess!! Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:) It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap! About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year. I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas... I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes. A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming! Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out. Maybe this'll help?
Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately. That has made a world of difference! Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer. It really makes a difference. It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here. Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:
19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
Amen!!
My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book! It's right about the level I can handle right now. I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind. So, I guess that's the update for today!
If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is. Pray that my blood numbers would get up. Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining. (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill. It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John. I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband. He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself. AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams. He is such a mighty man. I am in awe. But he could really use some encouragement and energy. I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night. It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot. It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal? Is that normal? Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of. That's all for now! As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Getting vulnerable: SUPER long. Read at your own risk...
I have been struggling for a while with how much to share on this blog. I have a friend who also has cancer, and her blog was the one that gave me the idea to have this blog. But her cancer seems to be much more "eventful". She has weekly updates that include new treatments, how this one is working, how that one is working, etc. My cancer seems to be pretty uneventful so far. I am just plugging away day after day at the same chemo, and it seems to be working fine. Not much to report. The real reports are probably what is going on in my head and in my heart.
I think about the title I gave to this blog: Hillary 2.0. The title is all about who God is shaping me to become, not just how I'm feeling on this day or that. It really scares me to think of sharing real thoughts, real struggles, because I'm afraid of being judged, or of saying something that reflects negatively on who God is, or of completely turning somebody off. But really, God is reminding me today that part of the purpose of this whole cancer dealy-bopper thing, is to share with others the process of what God is doing in me. Sometimes it's beautiful. Sometimes it's not. But like it or not, I feel like God is wanting me to just share what is going on. Being naked is scary. But here goes...
I am a little disappointed in what little change I see going on in me. Yeah sure, there are some things. Probably one of the best changes is that I've mellowed out a LOT. To describe me as intense before, well... At least I've gotten better since high school. But I am my mother's daughter. We have a hard time just relaxing. We get our panties in a wad verrrrry easily. (Just ask my dad...) My mentor from my first year of teaching, one of my favorite people because she is everything I'm not (I love you Jan!) used to put in my evaluations that I needed to learn to "roll with the punches". I am happy to report that I am rolling much better! So, I guess that is one of the good changes that I see. The thing that I was really hoping to see going on was for me to become so much more dilligent in prayer and reading the word. I mean, I've got ALLLL this time on my hands!! You'd think that suddenly reading and prayer would be so much easier. But it's not. I don't know why I don't love it more. It's not like it doesn't enter my mind. It does. There is just this THING that immediately draws away, and just wants to go watch a movie, or TV, or play cards or ANYTHING else. For someone who claims to love the Lord, you would think that it would be more exciting. But it isn't. What is wrong with me?!?! I really don't know. I feel really lame.
So far today, since I've woken up, I've only done a few things, and most of it (I am pleased to report) involves prayer, and just getting on my face before the Lord. (Why is this so hard for me to write? Why am I so afraid to put my relationship with God out there for everyone to see?) Anyway, God has revealed some really beautiful longings of my heart (namely, I really really really want to be a foster parent, even though I am terrified at the same time). But he has revealed a really ugly part of my heart too; one that I am ashamed to admit. Here is my ugliness. Here is what I wrote in my journal:
"God, at the heart of it all, I feel like my problem is that I don't feel like prayer really does anything. Lord, if there is nothing else that you are trying to show me, it's that prayer does things. I don't understand it."
I don't. I don't understand it. But I can't deny it either. I can't deny how much I have felt the prayers of all of you. I can't deny how ridiculously easy some of this journey has felt. And I know it has been because of all the prayer warriors out there lifting me up. I said a really funny prayer this last chemo treatment. I was praying the night before, again lifting up to God "Why aren't I getting more spiritual from all of this" (or at least that was the gist of it). I thought about how my main thing has been "I'm not nauseous, so I'm good. No matter what happens, as long as there is no nausea, I am happy with whatever state I'm in!" So I thought, maybe I am holding back. I know that suffering is supposed to bring change in our life (as I've been hoping/expecting from my present circumstances). So of course! Maybe I haven't given God the permission to really take me through suffering. So there on my bed, the night before chemo, I started praying "God, I accept it. I accept whatever suffering you want to bring now. I accept as much nausea and vomiting as You need to really refine me". (I know, it's kinda a stupid prayer) But I was fully convinced that the suffering was to begin now. I texted my bff Jenise, and asked her to pray for endurance for me, because I felt like things were going to start getting bad from here.... Aaaaaand they didn't. Yes, I am waaaay more tired than before and I can barely do anything. But honestly, having to sleep like 10 times more than the average person... it could be a lot worse. When talking with her this weekend, and discussing my "logic" behind the prayer, she asked me the question that revealed my ridiculousness: "Do you really think you would pray more hovering over the toilet?" Ummmmm... Good question. It just sounds silly when you say it like that.
So many of you have been praying like amazing prayer warriors for me, especially regarding nausea, and I have felt your prayers. I have felt them in the absence of real pain, and the absence of feeling miserable during this time that my oncologist frankly told me that she expected me to fare really badly in. I have shared with you all my physical ailments, and prayers for physical comfort. I have been so blessed by that. I have seen the power of prayer. I have felt it. So, if I cannot seem to get it through my thick skull by doing it better myself, then I have no choice. If I really want to change, to become more of a woman who is wholeheartedly after God's own heart, then I need to start presenting new prayer requests to my community who is so faithful to me. I need to present the diseases of my heart for you to pray for. God "impressed" upon me today as I was literally sitting in front of the computer crying while looking at foster care sites, looking at profiles of kids 12, 15, 17 years old that needed adopting, or fostering. He impressed upon me that if I really wanted to foster, I REALLY needed to learn how to pray!! I need to have it burned inside my chest that prayer affects things here in the real world. (I actually considered asking everyone to STOP praying for me for a week, so I could really feel the difference, and see what the prayers are doing, but then I saw Jenise in my head saying "really?!?" and realized that that was stupid. It is probably just the science teacher looking to do a "control group, placebo study" for prayer. haha!) So, as I sit now, I am thinking that I should stop telling God HOW he is to go about molding me and refining me. I'm sure he has a much more mysterious way to go about it. I just need to ask. I need to ask those of you who are more advanced than I to pray for me. Pray that God would move in my heart in regards to prayer. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to understand (not in my head, but in my heart, in my VOLITION) the importance of prayer, of scripture, and other spiritual disciplines. I am relying too much on what I can see with my own eyes, and progress that is quick enough to behold. But most growth isn't. Most growth is too slow to see at the time, seen only in retrospect and with comparison. I don't know what else to say. I'm a little spent. There is my heart, for all to see. Deal with it gently.
I think about the title I gave to this blog: Hillary 2.0. The title is all about who God is shaping me to become, not just how I'm feeling on this day or that. It really scares me to think of sharing real thoughts, real struggles, because I'm afraid of being judged, or of saying something that reflects negatively on who God is, or of completely turning somebody off. But really, God is reminding me today that part of the purpose of this whole cancer dealy-bopper thing, is to share with others the process of what God is doing in me. Sometimes it's beautiful. Sometimes it's not. But like it or not, I feel like God is wanting me to just share what is going on. Being naked is scary. But here goes...
I am a little disappointed in what little change I see going on in me. Yeah sure, there are some things. Probably one of the best changes is that I've mellowed out a LOT. To describe me as intense before, well... At least I've gotten better since high school. But I am my mother's daughter. We have a hard time just relaxing. We get our panties in a wad verrrrry easily. (Just ask my dad...) My mentor from my first year of teaching, one of my favorite people because she is everything I'm not (I love you Jan!) used to put in my evaluations that I needed to learn to "roll with the punches". I am happy to report that I am rolling much better! So, I guess that is one of the good changes that I see. The thing that I was really hoping to see going on was for me to become so much more dilligent in prayer and reading the word. I mean, I've got ALLLL this time on my hands!! You'd think that suddenly reading and prayer would be so much easier. But it's not. I don't know why I don't love it more. It's not like it doesn't enter my mind. It does. There is just this THING that immediately draws away, and just wants to go watch a movie, or TV, or play cards or ANYTHING else. For someone who claims to love the Lord, you would think that it would be more exciting. But it isn't. What is wrong with me?!?! I really don't know. I feel really lame.
So far today, since I've woken up, I've only done a few things, and most of it (I am pleased to report) involves prayer, and just getting on my face before the Lord. (Why is this so hard for me to write? Why am I so afraid to put my relationship with God out there for everyone to see?) Anyway, God has revealed some really beautiful longings of my heart (namely, I really really really want to be a foster parent, even though I am terrified at the same time). But he has revealed a really ugly part of my heart too; one that I am ashamed to admit. Here is my ugliness. Here is what I wrote in my journal:
"God, at the heart of it all, I feel like my problem is that I don't feel like prayer really does anything. Lord, if there is nothing else that you are trying to show me, it's that prayer does things. I don't understand it."
I don't. I don't understand it. But I can't deny it either. I can't deny how much I have felt the prayers of all of you. I can't deny how ridiculously easy some of this journey has felt. And I know it has been because of all the prayer warriors out there lifting me up. I said a really funny prayer this last chemo treatment. I was praying the night before, again lifting up to God "Why aren't I getting more spiritual from all of this" (or at least that was the gist of it). I thought about how my main thing has been "I'm not nauseous, so I'm good. No matter what happens, as long as there is no nausea, I am happy with whatever state I'm in!" So I thought, maybe I am holding back. I know that suffering is supposed to bring change in our life (as I've been hoping/expecting from my present circumstances). So of course! Maybe I haven't given God the permission to really take me through suffering. So there on my bed, the night before chemo, I started praying "God, I accept it. I accept whatever suffering you want to bring now. I accept as much nausea and vomiting as You need to really refine me". (I know, it's kinda a stupid prayer) But I was fully convinced that the suffering was to begin now. I texted my bff Jenise, and asked her to pray for endurance for me, because I felt like things were going to start getting bad from here.... Aaaaaand they didn't. Yes, I am waaaay more tired than before and I can barely do anything. But honestly, having to sleep like 10 times more than the average person... it could be a lot worse. When talking with her this weekend, and discussing my "logic" behind the prayer, she asked me the question that revealed my ridiculousness: "Do you really think you would pray more hovering over the toilet?" Ummmmm... Good question. It just sounds silly when you say it like that.
So many of you have been praying like amazing prayer warriors for me, especially regarding nausea, and I have felt your prayers. I have felt them in the absence of real pain, and the absence of feeling miserable during this time that my oncologist frankly told me that she expected me to fare really badly in. I have shared with you all my physical ailments, and prayers for physical comfort. I have been so blessed by that. I have seen the power of prayer. I have felt it. So, if I cannot seem to get it through my thick skull by doing it better myself, then I have no choice. If I really want to change, to become more of a woman who is wholeheartedly after God's own heart, then I need to start presenting new prayer requests to my community who is so faithful to me. I need to present the diseases of my heart for you to pray for. God "impressed" upon me today as I was literally sitting in front of the computer crying while looking at foster care sites, looking at profiles of kids 12, 15, 17 years old that needed adopting, or fostering. He impressed upon me that if I really wanted to foster, I REALLY needed to learn how to pray!! I need to have it burned inside my chest that prayer affects things here in the real world. (I actually considered asking everyone to STOP praying for me for a week, so I could really feel the difference, and see what the prayers are doing, but then I saw Jenise in my head saying "really?!?" and realized that that was stupid. It is probably just the science teacher looking to do a "control group, placebo study" for prayer. haha!) So, as I sit now, I am thinking that I should stop telling God HOW he is to go about molding me and refining me. I'm sure he has a much more mysterious way to go about it. I just need to ask. I need to ask those of you who are more advanced than I to pray for me. Pray that God would move in my heart in regards to prayer. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to understand (not in my head, but in my heart, in my VOLITION) the importance of prayer, of scripture, and other spiritual disciplines. I am relying too much on what I can see with my own eyes, and progress that is quick enough to behold. But most growth isn't. Most growth is too slow to see at the time, seen only in retrospect and with comparison. I don't know what else to say. I'm a little spent. There is my heart, for all to see. Deal with it gently.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Harry Potter was awesome!!
Last night was sooo awesome! On the tickets that we printed out, it said to get there early because the theater was overbooked to account for no-shows. John and I left in what we thought was plenty of time, and it just took sooooo much longer to get there than we thought. I was so scared that we would get there and they would be full up and turning us away. I was thinking "What a horrible story that would make!" So, I started praying (again!) that God would let us get there in plenty of time and get good seats. I was calling the theater to see how many people were already there, and they told me that a pretty sizable crowd had already gotten there, but they weren't full quite yet. I was dying!!! So, we got there (still 30 minutes early) and I had John drop me off at the front and SPRINTED inside! Obviously (from the title) we got there in time. But that isn't the coolest part! When I went into the theater, it was pretty much full except for seats at the very, very front (where you get neck problems) and some on the far, far side. I decided to go searching anyway. I kept seeing seats, but they all had jackets across them, or purses. I kept walking up, and I saw 2 seats, but one had a purse in it. For some reason, on this particular seat, I decided to ask "Is that seat taken?" The girl next to the purse was like "OH! No, that's my purse." The seats were up about 4-5 rows from the top, and pretty close to the middle. They were AWESOME seats! After sitting there for a while, I started to chat with them. I asked what time they had gotten there, thinking probably like 5:30 or something crazy like that. Nope. 3:00!!!!!! They had been there since 3:00!! We got seats so good, that the people next to us had been there since 3! Apparently people had started lining up at 8:00 that morning. (Nerds...) So, God was not just good getting us the tickets. It was like He had actually saved us awesome seats!
I won't give away too many details so I don't become a "spoiler" site:) I CAN say, "Pay attention!". There is so much story packed in there, that I want to see it multiple times. The one thing I'll never understand though is why Hermione likes Ron and not Harry. I know it's in the books and all, but I wish they would give Hermione and Ron a few more attraction/tense scenes where you can feel the chemistry and stuff. As it is, it seems like there is always that unspoken chemistry between her and Harry. Of course, now I'm starting to sound like a total nerd, so I'll stop:) It was such an awesome night though! I was so excited yesterday, that it gave me a burst of energy and I cleaned and did laundry! Of course, I crashed about an hour before the movie started and was about to fall asleep for the rest of the night. But I still had a huge goofy grin on my face until I layed down to go to bed! Thank you again Michelle! It was a "magical" night:)
I won't give away too many details so I don't become a "spoiler" site:) I CAN say, "Pay attention!". There is so much story packed in there, that I want to see it multiple times. The one thing I'll never understand though is why Hermione likes Ron and not Harry. I know it's in the books and all, but I wish they would give Hermione and Ron a few more attraction/tense scenes where you can feel the chemistry and stuff. As it is, it seems like there is always that unspoken chemistry between her and Harry. Of course, now I'm starting to sound like a total nerd, so I'll stop:) It was such an awesome night though! I was so excited yesterday, that it gave me a burst of energy and I cleaned and did laundry! Of course, I crashed about an hour before the movie started and was about to fall asleep for the rest of the night. But I still had a huge goofy grin on my face until I layed down to go to bed! Thank you again Michelle! It was a "magical" night:)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Catharsis and rambling thoughts
Well, I think my crisis of yesterday has passed. It needed to happen I guess. Probably won't be the last time. My mom is awesome and came over to clean the gunky stuff of counters and floors, and help me change the bed sheets. It has done much more for my state of mind than I expected. We talked about how I needed to really get out of the house. It is not good for me to be here so much. She suggested looking into some volunteering stuff. I agreed. I called children's hospital today, to see if they needed any tutors for some of their in-patient oncology kids. I explained my situation (about me having cancer too) and she said that I would probably have to get a written approval from my Doctor to do anything, since my own immune system will also be so compromised. I have a feeling it won't work out. But I'll keep looking for something. I want to be around people. Unfortunately, people have germs. I'll figure something out. It will be a fun research project.
I am getting out of the house today. I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym. I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week. My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out. Just not right away:)
I said a really stupid prayer this morning. Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't. However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that! But you have to win the tickets. So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!" I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer. Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool. He started answering all these little prayers, over and over. Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel. And they would cancel. God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain. And it would rain. God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home. And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home. There were all these little tiny prayers. God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want. But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear. He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now. I have not forgotten you." It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired. I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust. And I do. He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN. And I ask for stupid things like that now.
I am getting out of the house today. I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym. I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week. My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out. Just not right away:)
I said a really stupid prayer this morning. Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't. However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that! But you have to win the tickets. So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!" I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer. Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool. He started answering all these little prayers, over and over. Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel. And they would cancel. God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain. And it would rain. God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home. And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home. There were all these little tiny prayers. God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want. But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear. He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now. I have not forgotten you." It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired. I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust. And I do. He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN. And I ask for stupid things like that now.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Awesome weekend
I am wrapping up one terrific weekend. I watched a movie and talked late into the night with one of my best friends Friday night, had a nice walk feeding some ducks with a girlfriend Saturday afternoon, went to her dinner and birthday party that night, and had lunch with some people after church today. (And then promptly took a much needed nice long nap upon returning home!) I feel super blessed that I felt as good as I did. I was able to spend a lot of time with friends this weekend, before having my next round of chemo. I think that being around people helps a whole lot. When I am wrapped up in talking with them, I don't feel my body as much. I go back in on Wednesday for another round, and I'll go to my parents place for the next several days while I'm hooked up. I gotta admit, I am really not looking forward to it. (Duh, right?) I don't know if this is true or not, but I am expecting the nausea to get worse and worse each round. Last time, I didn't feel OK until Sunday, late afternoon. If I go any longer than that with the nausea, I'll have to miss school, which I don't want to do. Please pray that the nausea and sickness/exhaustion will go away in time for me to be back at work on Monday.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thank you
To all of you who prayed for me after I expressed on Sunday that my port was hurting pretty bad, I thank you. I felt your prayers. I was really uncomfortable and unable to move my arm on Sunday. I put out the word, and Monday I woke up, and suddenly could move my arm! It was still a little uncomfortable, but it healed more overnight than it had the previous 4 days combined!
In more ways than that, I feel very blessed. My family is so amazing in how they have all rallied around me to let me know that I am not alone, and will not have to go through this alone. My church has offered food, house cleaning, rides, anything I or John might need throughout all of this. I have friends that have offered me their blood. Their blood! I have received so much support from people I don't even know, and I want you to know that every email, every voicemail, comment on facebook or here, it makes me smile and it makes me feel very loved and supported. My head is still swimming, so I rarely even get to respond to them, but they are received and I tuck them away inside for the bad days when I feel awful.
I do though; I feel blessed. I feel blessed that even though the cancer was so much bigger than a regular adenocarcinoma, it hadn't spread yet. I feel blessed because my work is so willing to rearrange schedule after schedule to accommodate me and my health. I feel blessed that, although the "power port" was not fun to install, it will keep me from having to get IV's every week. And lastly, and least importantly I feel blessed that the lady at CVS gave me the least painful (flu) shot that I have ever had in my life. In and out, no pain. Ha! It really is the little things (and I was just really tired of being stuck, so it was a stupid little blessing, but a huge blessing at the same time).
It's funny how sometimes it takes a really sucky situation to make you more thankful than you were before. Even before all this happened, that is one area that I knew I needed to improve on. (just ask John!) I am by nature a problem solver, which can be a great thing. The unseen evil that goes along with that is that you see every little problem. (After all, how could a problem solver fix problems unless they can see them?) It is nice to have something big that eclipses all the other little annoyances for a change. So that is already one thing I feel like I will be taking away from this. Again though, as I've told many of you, I expect that my attitude will completely change once chemo starts and I feel like vomiting constantly. But that is where the rubber meets the road I guess. These few weeks before chemo, these are the "learning lesson" times. The days after chemo, those are the "practicing the lesson" times. Ewwww. Not fun. Necessary, but not fun. I apologize in advance. Please remember me like this when I becoming the sniveling whiney machine.
In more ways than that, I feel very blessed. My family is so amazing in how they have all rallied around me to let me know that I am not alone, and will not have to go through this alone. My church has offered food, house cleaning, rides, anything I or John might need throughout all of this. I have friends that have offered me their blood. Their blood! I have received so much support from people I don't even know, and I want you to know that every email, every voicemail, comment on facebook or here, it makes me smile and it makes me feel very loved and supported. My head is still swimming, so I rarely even get to respond to them, but they are received and I tuck them away inside for the bad days when I feel awful.
I do though; I feel blessed. I feel blessed that even though the cancer was so much bigger than a regular adenocarcinoma, it hadn't spread yet. I feel blessed because my work is so willing to rearrange schedule after schedule to accommodate me and my health. I feel blessed that, although the "power port" was not fun to install, it will keep me from having to get IV's every week. And lastly, and least importantly I feel blessed that the lady at CVS gave me the least painful (flu) shot that I have ever had in my life. In and out, no pain. Ha! It really is the little things (and I was just really tired of being stuck, so it was a stupid little blessing, but a huge blessing at the same time).
It's funny how sometimes it takes a really sucky situation to make you more thankful than you were before. Even before all this happened, that is one area that I knew I needed to improve on. (just ask John!) I am by nature a problem solver, which can be a great thing. The unseen evil that goes along with that is that you see every little problem. (After all, how could a problem solver fix problems unless they can see them?) It is nice to have something big that eclipses all the other little annoyances for a change. So that is already one thing I feel like I will be taking away from this. Again though, as I've told many of you, I expect that my attitude will completely change once chemo starts and I feel like vomiting constantly. But that is where the rubber meets the road I guess. These few weeks before chemo, these are the "learning lesson" times. The days after chemo, those are the "practicing the lesson" times. Ewwww. Not fun. Necessary, but not fun. I apologize in advance. Please remember me like this when I becoming the sniveling whiney machine.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Update: Where do we go from here?
So, we met with the Dr. Le (prounounced Lee), the Oncologist last Wednesday and Thursday. My surgeon said that she was the best, and who he would take himself or his family to if one of them were to get cancer. That was super encouraging. She went over the diagnosis and some details of adenocarcenoma. (details which I'll sort through later and maybe publish, depending on the appropriateness or level that I want to divulge). The main thing that she let us know in no uncertain terms was how uncommon (not rare, uncommon) my particular case was. The reason they had originally thought it was lymphoma and NOT adenocarcinoma (before the surgery) was because of it's size. It was way bigger than adenocarcinoma usually is. So size makes it uncommon. Location also makes it uncommon as there are very very few found in the small intestine. Adenocarcinoma is predominantly found in the Colon (large intestine). So size, location, and finally my age, make this type of cancer extremely uncommon, which means there is a lot less research to go on when deciding treatment, odds, prognosis, etc. One of the super cool things though, is that because it IS so uncommon, she is actually presenting a paper on my case at a conference coming up. What that means is that I'll have 8 (count em, EIGHT!) doctors all looking in depth into my case and diagnosis. Talk about second opinions! I'll have eight second opinions! Super cool...
My level of diagnosis is currently considered stage 2b. There is 1, 2a,2b,3a,3b,3c, and 4. So, 2b isn't as good as it could be, but definitely not as bad as it could be. The main thing that classifies me as a 2b is the fact that they didn't find any cancer in the lymph nodes surrounding the main tumor. This is huge, repeat HUGE. I would have a much worse outlook if there had been any cancer in those nodes, because once it is in nodes, it is much much more likely to metastisize (ie: spread) throughout to the rest of the body. Since the lymph nodes didn't have anything, best guess is that the rest of my body doesn't either.
So, the next step from here is to make an appointment to come in next week for another scan. What they are going to do is shoot me up with a lot of glucose (apparently cancer is a total sucker for sugar. Aren't we all?) The glucose will have some sort of dye mixed with it. IF, repeat IF there are any cancer cells anywhere else in my body, they will show up under the scan. The cancer sucks up the glucose with the dye, and then it is easily seen. This is what I need the most prayer about. For those of you who believe in prayer, I ask earnestly for you to pray for this. I will be asking my close friends, and anyone else who feels led, to fast the day before or the day of. I can't stress enough how important this test will be. Again, we don't have any reason to believe that there will be anything anywhere, but then again, this is me we are talking about. I don't exactly have a track record of following "norms".
So, after that, when we of course find no trace of cancer anywhere else (please Lord God), we will talk chemotherapy. The plan as of now is for me to wait about 3 weeks till I have totally healed from the surgery, and then start chemo. Chemo, as of now, is planned to last about 6 months. I am going to have something installed in me called a "port". From what I can tell, it's like having a gas tank portal in your body where they just open the hatch and put stuff in. On the up side, this means I won't have to get stuck every time. On the down side... we're talking about a girl who won't wear EARRINGS because she's afraid they will get pulled or ripped or tugged etc. Those are my ears. This is like a hole in my body that could get tugged or torn or whatever. I don't know if it is actually like that, but that's what it sounds like.
The type of chemo (for all you google nerds out there) is called Fol-Fox. Don't ask me what it stands for. I'll post more as soon as I do my own research (which for those of you who know me, know it's only a matter of time...). There is no telling how you will react to chemo. They say everybody reacts differently. I am praying that I just get really tired, and I'm not hovering over the toilet 24/7. But we'll see. Anyways, that is where we are going from here. Thank you for all your calls and emails, texts, cards, etc. They have made such a huge difference. It is really awesome to know that I am not alone in this. I love you all.
My level of diagnosis is currently considered stage 2b. There is 1, 2a,2b,3a,3b,3c, and 4. So, 2b isn't as good as it could be, but definitely not as bad as it could be. The main thing that classifies me as a 2b is the fact that they didn't find any cancer in the lymph nodes surrounding the main tumor. This is huge, repeat HUGE. I would have a much worse outlook if there had been any cancer in those nodes, because once it is in nodes, it is much much more likely to metastisize (ie: spread) throughout to the rest of the body. Since the lymph nodes didn't have anything, best guess is that the rest of my body doesn't either.
So, the next step from here is to make an appointment to come in next week for another scan. What they are going to do is shoot me up with a lot of glucose (apparently cancer is a total sucker for sugar. Aren't we all?) The glucose will have some sort of dye mixed with it. IF, repeat IF there are any cancer cells anywhere else in my body, they will show up under the scan. The cancer sucks up the glucose with the dye, and then it is easily seen. This is what I need the most prayer about. For those of you who believe in prayer, I ask earnestly for you to pray for this. I will be asking my close friends, and anyone else who feels led, to fast the day before or the day of. I can't stress enough how important this test will be. Again, we don't have any reason to believe that there will be anything anywhere, but then again, this is me we are talking about. I don't exactly have a track record of following "norms".
So, after that, when we of course find no trace of cancer anywhere else (please Lord God), we will talk chemotherapy. The plan as of now is for me to wait about 3 weeks till I have totally healed from the surgery, and then start chemo. Chemo, as of now, is planned to last about 6 months. I am going to have something installed in me called a "port". From what I can tell, it's like having a gas tank portal in your body where they just open the hatch and put stuff in. On the up side, this means I won't have to get stuck every time. On the down side... we're talking about a girl who won't wear EARRINGS because she's afraid they will get pulled or ripped or tugged etc. Those are my ears. This is like a hole in my body that could get tugged or torn or whatever. I don't know if it is actually like that, but that's what it sounds like.
The type of chemo (for all you google nerds out there) is called Fol-Fox. Don't ask me what it stands for. I'll post more as soon as I do my own research (which for those of you who know me, know it's only a matter of time...). There is no telling how you will react to chemo. They say everybody reacts differently. I am praying that I just get really tired, and I'm not hovering over the toilet 24/7. But we'll see. Anyways, that is where we are going from here. Thank you for all your calls and emails, texts, cards, etc. They have made such a huge difference. It is really awesome to know that I am not alone in this. I love you all.
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