Suffering well: my prayer for the Christians in Mosul

I saw someone post something on facebook about seeing a really graphic ISIS video that they couldn't unsee, and I realized that I have been really lax on keeping up with that. Sometimes I find that we as a people in general are all gung-ho about a topic while it is en vogue, and then sorta forget and go about our lives. Because of that (and as per my reasons in the previous post) I set about looking for the video. I needed to mourn. I needed to have my heart burning with compassion that would move me to prayer. Along the way I came across an article that reminded me of a prayer I had recently regarding the torture and beheadings going on.

When all this was blowing up, my first instinct was to pray for protection for the Christians in Mosul, but for some reason I heard that still, small voice saying "No. That's not what I want you to pray for." I was like "Say whaaa?!" So I started trying to think of what I would want to be prayed for if I were in that situation. My first thought was for there to be no pain. Anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of physical pain. (Ironic, I know.) In the reports, I've heard that the beheadings aren't just a quick chop. They are a slow saw. So I prayed "God, please let all pain be gone while they are being tortured". The second prayer is one that I really hope we can all pray as well, and that is that he would give the Christians in Mosul the ability to die well. When I say "die well" I mean this: That they would see the glory of the risen Lord while they are still here on this earth, while they are in the midst of being killed. When being taken and having God knows what done to them, my prayer is that the pain would be non-existent, and that their faces would light up with the radiance of Christ, that they would smile in his presence and experience an inexpressible joy as they see the hope of their salvation standing before them, beckoning them into eternity. I pray that they would go, knowing that they have finally arrived in the place of peace and rest. I pray that the soldiers who are perpetrating these acts would see this and be confused, maddened, enraged wondering why doing their worst is causing sighs of relief, singing, and smiling? I cannot think of anything that would put a larger pebble into the shoe of those who think they are acting on behalf of God.

One of the things I've been told on numerous occasions is that people see Christ in us most when we suffer well. So, knowing this, what else should we be praying for?!

The allure of suicide

For those of you who haven't heard already, Robin Williams is dead. He has died from taking his own life. Social media is abuzz with polarized camps of calloused "suicide is selfish" and glorified "suicide is a tragedy". The answer is "yes". Suicide is a completely selfish tragedy.

It is important to acknowledge the struggle facing those who deal with depression. The pain and anguish they feel are very real, and very misunderstood by those who have never experienced it. It is a very luxurious place indeed to treat mental illness as some sort of choice, and if the individual only had enough [fill in the blank – faith, love, etc.] then they wouldn’t struggle as badly. If you don’t understand how it feels, consider yourself blessed, and don’t attribute it as some achievement of your own.  I am one of the not so lucky ones that gets to speak on the issue from the happy mountain of ignorance. So newsflash: you don’t have more faith than I do. You are not immune to this struggle because you read the Bible more, you pray more, or you have “let go and let God” better than I have.

I have glamorized death in my head since high school. I am not scared to die. I have always referred to it as an “upgrade”. Stay here and be sick all the time, feeling like a burden to my family, or go stand before my God and King, praising him in a land with no more pain and suffering? Ummm… yes please. And the way people talk about people who are gone, who wouldn’t want that?  You get your slate wiped clean, and all people do is talk about your good qualities and none of your bad, (because it is disrespectful to talk about the failings of the dead).  Suicide becomes a very attractive lie, and this is never more obvious than when a high profile someone commits suicide. It is all people to talk about. We hear about the person’s achievements, the ways they have contributed to society, the happiness they brought people, and how much they will be missed. What a beautiful, enticing, attractive lie indeed.

However, the truth of suicide is much uglier. People don’t want to talk about it because it seems disrespectful or they feel it heaps guilt on those who are struggling. Others are all too willing to talk about it because they have no idea what the yearning for death feels like.  I lie somewhere in the middle because I don’t speak out of my strength. I speak from my weakness, and with the knowledge that the truth has set me free on multiple occasions. The truth is this: Suicide is a selfish act. I’d never heard it described this way until an elder at our church’s father committed suicide and Matt Chandler called it what it was: selfish. It is substituting your pain, for the bottomless pain of the family and loved ones who are left behind to pick up the pieces, asking questions, and internalizing blame.  Despite what the media makes it look like, you are not a hero. You are not a martyr. You are not a poetic tragedy. You are someone who has decided that your own misery is more important than the misery of the countless people around you that you claim to love.  Suicide seems poetic until you consider that your main legacy might be people talking about how selfish you were. Wait… I thought they were supposed to talk about how awesome I was? The lie was exposed.

My friends and family are all too aware of my struggle, and the best thing they do is remind me on a regular basis the effects that my death would have on them. Some people say that it a form of guilt trip. Yeah, but It is the best kind of guilt trip possible. Would I be free of this crappy body? Yup. Could John have a wife that could give him a family? Tears well up in my eyes knowing the answer. Would he and my family be free of having to take care of me? They sure would. Would they be devastated beyond recovery? That’s what they tell me. Knowing the anguish I would put them through makes any heartache I am currently experience take a back seat. I choose to value their happiness above anything I am going through because I don’t want my legacy to them to be pain and anger. Because of this, I have no problem preaching the selfishness of suicide.

It is a complete understatement to say that suicide is a touchy subject. It is as much a “touchy subject” as a severed leg is a “flesh wound”.  I have been told that emphasizing the selfishness of suicide just heaps judgment on those already struggling, so I’m not sure how to go about it. I wish that we as a society magically knew how to speak about this issue in all it’s ugliness without ostracizing those who struggle. All I know is that I don’t want to contribute to the glorification of Robin Williams so that others who are in similar pain are encouraged to follow in his footsteps. Suicide becomes contagious. While you should not condemn his actions without acknowledging his pain, neither should you talk about his amazing contributions to the world without acknowledging the horrific legacy he has left behind. Who knows whose life your "guilt trip" is saving in the process? Love without truth is worthless. Truth without love is death. 

Moved to prayer: part 2

I wrote about the Mosul situation in the previous post for a reason: context. I needed context for this post, and it was too unnatural to try to cram it all into one. My first line on my previous post was about how we as Christians (or everyone in general) need to be prepared right now. I wasn’t just talking about events overseas. I was talking about right here, in the states.

I have a beautiful friend who posted in desperation on Facebook today, needing a marriage counselor. Some might think that this is inappropriate, but I’m not one of those people. I have seen people post complaints about their spouse, and that is always uncomfortable. But a cry for help? I’ve got no problems there. I wish we in the Christian community were more willing to ask each other for help. We’d all post like mad if our child were critically ill. How much more important are our marriages? While this might seem like an isolated incident, it got me thinking about the big picture.

What does this have to do with Mosul you might ask? Everything. Think about the people around you. Think about the sicknesses, the marriage problems, the family feuds, the Christian feuds. We may not live in a society plagued with physical beheadings, but we are being destroyed nonetheless. And the same enemy is behind it.  Yup. The very same.

We are all under attack right now, and we need to be prepared. The enemy isn’t just “coming to steal, kill, and destroy”. He is here, and he is actively stealing our peace, killing our relationships and destroying our bodies. We are under attack, and it will only increase. Everything we see going on the Middle East is going on here, just cleverly disguised.

1 Peter 5 tells us to “be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.”

There are times when we are called to fight, and there are times we are called to resist. The picture I get here is from the movie “Twister” from back in the 90’s. There is a scene where the two lead characters are unable to escape a tornado and have to strap themselves onto a pipe that goes deep in the ground and hang on for dear life. The entire landscape is being destroyed around them, and their bodies are being flung this way and that by the winds, but they hold on. Their clothes are torn, their hair disheveled, their faces making all sorts of weird contortions. They do not look pretty. But they are holding on, and that’s all you can expect given the situation.

We are entering that storm church. We are in that storm. It will wreck and ravage our bodies, throw our entire landscape into upheaval, and it can make us slam into one another forcefully. I pray that we resist the temptation to attribute fault to one another, and instead shake our fists rightfully at the storm.  The enemy is a hurricane of destruction, and it feels like he has just unleashed his hoard on the earth.

Expect major hardships like bombs and beheadings, and stand firm, placing your hope in the Lord. Expect disguised hardships, like marital, car, and work problems, but stand firm, placing your hope in the Lord. Expect irritating hardships like picking the slow line at the supermarket or being reminded as you take out your contacts that you just squeezed a lemon. (Personal experience…) Expect all these things knowing that the entire world around you, both physical and spiritual, is seeking to distract you from looking to the author and perfector of your faith. Be prepared for petty disagreements, but don’t give in. Be prepared for major disagreements, but don’t give in. Be prepared to be confused on a daily basis as to who the real enemy is, because the enemy knows that we are less effective as broken fragments than as a unified body.  (However, neither be ignorant that Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.)

We can be sure that those believers in Mosul had strife and drama amongst themselves. They were human. That’s what we humans do. We can also be sure that all of that is forgotten when they are standing side by side watching their children being beheaded. Cling to one another church. Be prepared for hardship. Cling to the Lord. Cling to the others who are clinging to the Lord.  Be moved only to prayer.

Moved to prayer: part 1

For all the God fearing men and women in my life (and really for everyone regardless…) be prepared. As my small group leader said last week, "Your Bible is a newspaper right now.", meaning we are seeing scripture being fulfilled right before our eyes. I’ve been reading so much about what is going on in Israel right now, and now I’m reading about Mosul. For those of you who do not know what is going on in Mosul, Christians are being beheaded. And I don’t mean the poetic guillotine type beheading. I’m talking the dull-blade, slow, sawing off beheading.  And the children’s heads displayed on stakes at the local park. And then the bodies arranged in cutesy creative photographs. Apparently instagram isn’t just for that amazing steak you are about to eat. It’s like a Jihad Pinterest. It’s barbaric. It’s evil. It’s real. It’s happening.

There are some people who don’t want to see graphic content. I for one can’t handle really gory movies because I know that it is stuff that I can’t unsee. When it comes to real stuff though, stuff that I need to pray for, stuff that I need to grieve for in my heart, I prefer to look. I want to see reality in all its gore for the same reason I don’t watch it in movies: I can’t unsee it. I want it burned into my mind because it forces me to pray. Because of that, I post this link here. Look and see the reality of what is going on.

http://www.catholic.org/news/international/middle_east/story.php?id=56339

If the people in Nazi Germany had forced themselves to actually walk through the camps, hear the cries, see the piles of emaciated dead bodies, do you think they would have been more likely or less likely to act? My vote is that it would have spurred them to action.  That is why I choose to look. It moves me to prayer.

Living and Active

So, some people know about my kidneys and others don't. It's not as sexy as cancer, but yeah... I've got bum kidneys. It's a dual disease of Barters syndrome and Gitelman's syndrome. (I'm all about them syndromes!). Basically what it means is that I've got about 30%-40% function in my kidneys, and it's been decreasing more rapidly this past year than it has in the previous 4 combined. That means the degeneration is speeding up. A lot. When I was at the Mayo Clinic last Thanksgiving, I saw another specialist. She looked at my history, and the rate of decline of my kidney function. I asked her "How long till you think I'll need a new kidney?" She paused and looked at my chart and said "Ummm... probably 4 or 5 years."

Boom. FOUR or FIVE years?!?!?! I had thought I was at least 10 years out. That one sentence hovers in my mind like a gargoyle waiting to pounce. I've heard about transplants. They are not fun. Things never quite go back to normal afterwards. Shoot, I'm scared to even get to the dialysis stage!

I have a vivid memory of before I was diagnosed with cancer, when my body was going even wonkier than usual. (Yes, that's a real word. I checked!) I was with a group of girls from my church. I can't remember what we were doing there. I think it was a class of some sort? At the end, we ladies were all in a circle praying. More like a cluster really, laying hands on each other or something like that. I was sitting on the floor with my head against a friend's leg. Randomly (or not so randomly) someone started praying about Psalm 139 and how "fearfully and wonderfully made" we were. At that point the levy broke, and although I was silent, the tears flowed in a stream down my face so fiercely that all I could do was watch them drip onto my jeans, creating a dark puddle on the denim. Gina (who's leg I was resting on), was the only one who saw me. Although we didn't know each other very well, she just stroked my hair. It was the best thing anyone could have done for me in that moment.

M tears weren't flowing freely because I was comforted. They flowed because I was frustrated. Possibly angry. I can't remember exactly. I just remember thinking "If that girl knew what my body was doing to me right now, there's no way she would pray that. At least not to my face. There's no way that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". I feel like a consequence of the fall which marred the perfect world with genetic mutants like me."  It felt like an old wives tale, like "You shouldn't go swimming for 45 minutes after you eat." There's some truth to it, but nobody really believes it to the fullest extent. Is it true for some people? Probably. Is it true for everybody? Not really. We've all broken that rule and come out just fine. We just say it to kids to get a general principle across. Fearfully and wonderfully made feels like that: one of those phrases that healthy people throw around to comfort sick people. Is it true for some? Sure. For me? Probably not, or at least not completely. Maybe generally.

Fast forward to last Sunday. A woman who is a spiritual mentor of mine challenged me to read and meditate on Psalm 139 this week. Although I doubted that I'd learn something "new", I did it. The word is living and active right? It can speak to us in new ways each time. I read through it 3 days ago and tried to garner new meanings and new insight, but I got nothing. It was the same Psalm 139 that I've read a thousand times before. But I kept hearing her voice in my head, so I did it again today. I study the word like I do everything else: like a nerd. I like to go to the Greek or Hebrew and read it line for line, studying the translation of each word. I didn't do that last time so I decided to do a legit study today. Nothing jumped out at me until I got to verse 13.

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb."

I've seen "inmost being" also translated as "inner parts". However, the way it was translated on the site that I was on was odd, so I clicked on it to see what the literal Hebrew translation was. Would you like to know what the literal translation is? Kidneys. Psalm 139:13 literally says "For You have created my kidneys..."

(Go see for yourself: here and here)

Living and active my friends. Living. And. Active.

Of comfort and joy

One of my favorite (if not my absolute favorite) verses is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

That is such a beautiful picture: we comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. I consider this my life verse in a lot of ways. When I am called to have joy in suffering, it is this verse that I return to. 

I think back to when I was in college. I'd had a really difficult time with the program I was in. (I'll say that it was an abusive environment and just leave it at that.) In my time there, I because so beat down that I fell into a full blown depression, one that I've never been able to fully rid myself of. Depression runs in my family. It was just a matter of time before something triggered it. Anyways, I was a camp counselor during my summers for 4 years and there was a group of really cool girls that I had in my cabin every year. I had the awesome privilege of having them for all 4 years. I'd gotten to see them go from Freshman to Seniors and gotten to spend a whole week with them each year in intimate talks and pillow fights.  

And when I say they were cool, I meant they were "cool". They were the "cool" kids. They were the ones that all the boys liked. Ours was always the cabin that had the pranks pulled on. And one of these particular girls wasn't just "cool". She was mean. She was everything you saw in the movie "Mean girls" and more. She was bitingly sarcastic. She could pick out the slightest weakness or insecurity in someone else and jump all over it. She never did it with me, but she never opened up to me either.  I still loved her. I loved all of them. They were my girls. 

Each summer, I was so blessed to be able to open up the word of God and teach them, probe their little brains, learn their thoughts, answer their questions. However, my fourth and final year (the camp got sold after that) was different. I had a speech all planned out for them. Since there were more girls than just them in the cabin, I had to be frank. I said to them all "I know you have all gone to camps before, and you have had counselors who have told you all about the troubles they had in the past, and how God came through, and their lives were changed from then on. Unfortunately, I can't say that. My troubles aren't in the past. They are right now. I am struggling with depression right now, and I want you girls to know that that is OK. God is still good whether I'm going through it now, or I went through it in the past. You'll probably see me cry. I may occasionally need to step away. But I want you to know that God is still good, and that He is good even in the sad times." It was something along those lines. I can't remember exactly what it was. 

My group that week was all in the junior/senior range. They were old enough to be mature, and to have sympathy, and to give me hugs and love me during my weakness. Afterwards, when I went back to my room, I heard a knock on the door and there entered my "mean girl". She sat on my bed with tears in her eyes and said "I feel like that all. the. time. I hate myself. . I don't know what to do. I just want to cry all the time."

I was shocked. Four years in my cabin, and this was the first time she ever approached me about anything personal. This girl, this exquisitely beautiful girl, who had made so many others miserable...was miserable. She wasn't mean out of pride. She was mean because she was in pain. It reminded me of an animal, caught in a snare. An animal is never as dangerous as when they are in pain. We are really not that different in that sense. At that moment, God allowed me to love her in a way that she never would have allowed in the past. My pain was the door. It is this moment that I will hold onto forever.

The realization that God could use something as sucky as depression changed my life. From that day on, I have given thanks to God for it, even on my dark days. My "joy in suffering" comes from the knowledge that God does not let anything we experience go to waste. We will always have the chance to "comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received." Being able to do so is such a joy to me, that that is what I focus on whenever I am experiencing suffering. It may not always pan out in such an obvious way as it did that night in August, but I know it will someday. And not only that, I was able to see a faithfulness in God that I hadn't understood before. A God that has been faithful in the past is a God that I can trust to be faithful in the future. That is something that I need to remind myself of on a regular basis. 

My heart, behind closed doors

I've become quite aware lately how inconsistent I am. I'm A.D.H.D. I'm wildly inconsistent in a thousand ways! Haha! But this is a different kind of inconsistency. I am inconsistent with how I praise God. I have been convicted lately of how negative I am. I keep spewing negativity about how I feel, about all the things I feel like I am missing because of my chronic illness, and I keep leaving the conversation at that. I started thinking back tonight about this blog (which is what started me writing again here.)

Here's something I wrote in my journal tonight: "When I was blogging during cancer, I spoke with hope, because I knew I'd be publicly judged by my words. I think about David's Psalms and how they often start out so negative, and then turn to praise. That is an area that would be so easy to do on a regular basis, if I could remember. Every sorrow just needs to be followed by two words: "But God...". But God is my hope. But God will be my strength. But God is whom I should be delighting. Though outwardly I waste away, but God I will praise."

It's such an easy thing to do, but I forget to do it so often and I let the negativity of my own hurts and longings generate more negativity and hurt and longing. I long for a different body. I long to be able to do what I see everyone else being able to do: work, kids, family, taking care of a home, being a good wife. In my mourning for what I consider to be a "normal life", I leave off the hope that I have so long spoken of here on this blog. And that is a problem. It isn't just a problem because God has called us be thankful in all things (not just the good things.) Rather, the real problem is that it poisons me in the process.

What a beautiful and healing thing it is to have joy in suffering. How much lighter is a thankful heart? When I want to be heard, when I want to vent, when I want to be understood, when I want people to know my struggle, am I bringing it back around to "But God!" Publicly, yes. Privately, no. And that must stop. So here is my confession to all 5-10 of you who actually read this. But even more, it is my confession to God, in this semi-public forum. I confess this sin my God, and I repent. But God, being rich in love will forgive me of my sins. I am so frustrated with this body... but God will make all things new. Lord, I pray that You would help me with having a spirit of joy and thankfulness. I have so much to be thankful for.

Weakness, to the praise of His glory.

So, this blog was originally meant to keep people updated on what was going on with my cancer.  I was supposed to come out of it better. Stronger. Hillary 2.0. Unfortunately, this is not what has happened. They always say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've always thought that was a load of crap. What doesn't kill you can make you decidedly weaker. But this post isn't just about weakness.

There is a lot of weakness though. One of the best parts about cancer (how often have you heard THAT...) was that it had a name. People know what cancer is. They are familiar with what it does. It's a physical entity. You can see it on a machine. You can empirically measure it. It was like people finally understood: Hillary is sick. What many people, outside my close friends and family, is that I have always been sick. I started out sick. I pushed through life and did my best, but somehow everything always came back to the hospital in one way or another. Chronic kidney disease. Few people really understand that one, or what it can do to you. I've watched myself slowly become less of the person I wanted to be. I watched career options slip away, because I was not physically able to handle the demands. And during cancer, I watched the whole world carry on, while I sat behind my computer and communicated the only way I knew how. And now, 3 years out, I find myself going backwards again. And it sucks. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always on the brink of really getting sick. Because when I get sick, I stay sick for a good month, and then it's like I'm on probation for another couple. I have to say no to going out. I can't fully explain to people why 3 days of work a week is really difficult. I have no name that I can use that will help people understand that I'm not as healthy as I look. It's really frustrating.

I've begun feeling sorry for myself again. I've been praying and calling out to God, asking Him for the healing that I know Jehovah Rapha can bring. I asked my small group to pray for me last week as I just sat in the middle with everyone's hands on me, crying. Afterwards, I got into a conversation with a good friend and my small group leader. I kept lamenting how frustrated I was. I couldn't understand why God was allowing my body to wither like it is. I kept speculating this way and that way as to the why of the matter. Do I have too much pride? Is He trying to humble me? Maybe God has some amazing ministry for me one day and He's hamstringing me until then so that I will know that it is indeed He that is doing the good work. I was honest about how frustrated I was because there was so much I wanted to "do" for Him. But she stopped me there and asked me "What if all He wants you to do is to be for the praise of His glory?" That has kept me thinking all week.

Just be for the praise of His glory? What does that look like? My home group leader does pottery. She explained how some pieces she creates for no particular purpose other than they are beautiful and asked me if I was willing to possibly accept myself as that. She rightfully pointed out how much like Martha I have become, constantly trying to do instead of just BE. So while I would love to be useful, maybe I'm that little sheep who's legs need to be broken so that the shepherd can just carry it around. All I have is speculation. Speculation as to why I have to live like this. But it is a lesson that I am trying to learn. Am I content to just be for the praise of His glory? If I am homebound and I am unable to minister to a single person, am I content to be beautiful before my God and bring him glory, even if it's just the two of us? (Three actually. John gets to see me in all my awesomeness.) I want the answer to be a resounding yes, but I'll be honest... My heart says no. And that tells me that my heart has forgotten it's purpose.

Is that the lesson I am supposed to be learning? Who knows. There could be a hundred reasons. Or, my body is just a product of a fallen world. But even if it is, I know that God has not forgotten me, and He promises to work ALL things for good. But in the meantime, if y'all could pray for me, that would be awesome. As always, when I whine, I must end with what I know to be true: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. 

Song

It might be kinda cheesy, but this is just the song that I feel like the Lord has given to me lately. Or at least it's the one that has spoken to me. Either way, I thought I'd share it.

Old journals

We moved to an awesome townhome a few weeks ago. So excited! Since it is about 350-400 square feet bigger, we brought all our stuff over from storage to sort through what to keep, what to get rid of, and then what to re-put in storage. Through this process, I found a whole load of my old journals. When I was around 11 or 12, I learned that I I had trouble praying and either 1) holding my train of thought, or 2) staying awake. So I began to write down my prayers, because it helped me stay alert. I've done it ever since. I've gotten really bad at doing it since I've been married, because all the stuff I used to pour out in the journal, I discuss with John. I've tried to get back to writing. Especially after seeing the stuff I was writing. It was so beautiful how simple and child-like the stuff was when I was younger. (Because I was, duh, a child) But there is something beautiful about a child's words, before they know how to censor and try to sound all spiritual.

Another thing I stumbled upon was a journal of a few of the songs I tried to write during my brief attempt at songwriting. Even though I am not very good at it, I really liked the words. They are very quintessential teen angst:) I'll share them here. I want to put them down somewhere before I stuff this journal back in storage.

Dance in the Storm
I feel as the rain pounds on me
Splashing me back to your throne
I step back and trip on the Bible
As if that were my stumbling stone

My bittersweet tears taste salty
Streaming up from the blackest of hearts
On the outside I look put together
On the inside I'm tearing apart

Where do I go from here? I'm blinded by the rain
But I know I can no longer endure this pain.

So I'll dance in the storm
God you are the tempest
I breath in your love, I breath in your love
I'll dance in the storm
God you're in the fury
I give you control
God please... purify me

I feel as the raindrops grasp me
Your fingers of love reaching down
Trying to heal my spirit
If only I'd just turn around

From trying to do it my way
Standing in this hole I thought was a stage
The higher I thought I was getting
The lower I sunk in the grave

Where do I go from here?
I'm broken by the rain
God I know you can
Cast off my shackles and chains

So I'll dance in the storm
God you are the tempest
I breath in your love, I breath in your love
I'll dance in the storm
God you're in the fury
I give you control
God please... purify me

The water penetrates my mind
Flushing out the tangled debris
of the sin clouding my mind and my judgement
blessed water has set me free

Now I know right here
This was all a gift from you
So I'll show the world
By what I do

I will dance in the storm
God you are the tempest
I breath in your love, I breath in your love
I'll dance in the storm
God you're in the fury
I give you control
God please... purify me

It's been a whiiiiiiiiile....

Hello again! It's been quite a while since I wrote last. Mainly because I didn't know what else to say. Things are going fine. I'm progressing. There's been no new sightings. I feel boring:) But my mom tells me on a regular basis that people ask about me, and why I haven't posted. I have another friend of mine that went through a really horrific ordeal a year or two ago and I still go to her blog sometimes, hoping for a new entry, because I really enjoyed hearing what the Lord was doing in her life. So, maybe it's the same here. I still write. Lots. I just don't post. So, maybe I'll start posting, for those of you who have been asking. It probably won't be about my health all the time, but it will be about what God is doing and what He is showing me. And honestly, it is nice posting it, because it makes me more accountable to what He is teaching me. When I put my thoughts out there for anyone to read, I have to really think through them. I have to consciously decide "what is true, and what is lies". (And by lies, I mean things like I am worthless, or things will never get better, or God doesn't care).  Those are lies, and they are lies that we are all tempted to believe from time to time. And apparently I am waaaaaaay more apt to spread the lies to just myself than I am to spread it to everyone else out there. So writing here is a good way to affirm what I know to be true, because I am not just writing for myself anymore.

Things are up and down physically. They were up for a long time this summer, and it feels like they are starting to go down again. It might be because John and I are moving into a new place right now, but my energy has been crashing like crazy. I'll sleep for 10 hours and wake up feeling exhausted, and I'll have to lay there and pray for the Lord to get me up, because I know that if I stay there in bed, I'll sleep all afternoon and then I won't be able to go to sleep that night and get on what my boss calls "Dracula schedule". John is such a trooper, because he is so aware of my limitations and never holds them against me. He is so much kinder to me than I am to myself.

I start school next week. (Well, inservices next week, and school the week after). I'll be doing about 3 days a week again, and even that I'm starting to get nervous about. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get in the groove. I think the whole world looks scary to me on days that I don't have energy (like today) because I don't feel like I am cabable of conquering even small tasks. On the days that I feel good, I have so many plans, and projects, and ideas, and thoughts all bubbling forth because I guess I project having that much energy in the future to do them. Apparently, whatever state I'm in, my brain assumes will last, and projects accordingly, whether that be good or bad.

John and I were in a tough spot this summer. Things were up in the air with whether or not another school was looking at him. Our lease was up, and they were going to raising the rent ANOTHER 50 bucks! They do that every year. We were paying too much for waaaaay too little space. But I didn't feel like we had the freedom to go find a place yet. So, we moved in with an awesome friend who had a 2 bedroom condo. During that time, we had our car broken into (twice), about 2 and a half weeks of this summer without air conditioning. Car trouble, a bogus ticket, and a huge swarm of flies that invaded the place. Thank God for my parents house... But we have now just moved into a charming little townhome. We are paying approximately 50 dollars or so more than we would have been paying at our old place, and we are getting almost 400 more square feet. Ummmmm.... That's a step in the right direction I'd say! So, we have spent the last couple of weeks trying to get everything in order before  school starts. We have almost made it! The place isn't perfectly polished and decorated yet, but it feels like home, and there's not piles of boxes everywhere. I DID get super creative and create a wall of books with curtains for super cheap. I'm pretty proud of my handiwork:) I can't figure out how to upload the picture from my iPad, but I'll post it eventually. Haha!

Goodbye my brain

So things have been going pretty good for a while.  I'm getting stronger and stronger.  I am actually doing some running on the treadmill!  I haven't been able to do that since 2006 because of both my achilles and then the cancer.  I have my up days with energy, and my down days where I feel like I got hit by a mac truck and can barely get out of bed.  But it is improving.

What is not improving is my brain power.  When I was IN the chemo, I had the fog, the chemo brain, the chemo stupids.  I couldn't understand anything. It lifted pretty quickly after my last infusion.  But it feels like it stole something from me, and that hole is getting bigger and bigger.  My memory is getting worse and worse, and it doesn't feel like "getting older" kind of memory stuff.  I used to be able to retain information so much better.  I could teach myself things, store it away and be able to retrieve it later.  But I feel like I can barely keep up with my classes that I'm teaching because I can't remember what I'm supposed to do from one day to the next.  I can't remember the stuff I've already done, and I can't remember the stuff that I plan the night before to do.  I'm taking notes on anything and everything so that I can go back and remind myself.  But even that doesn't seem to be enough lately.  And it is starting to show at work.  I can't even remember some of the stuff that I was meaning to write down.  I'm working through the Chemistry, and it is so taxing.  My attention span is about a quarter of what it used to be.  I get saturated with information and have to take a million breaks.  I feel like the cancer is having it's last laugh.  It got the last word.  It is taken the only thing I've ever really had to rely on.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to rely on my brains forever, but I thought I could rely on them a little longer than this.  I learned that I couldn't  rely on super hard work and long hours when doing so put me in the hospital every semester in college because my body would give out.  I finally had to give up photography because I couldn't walk.  I had to give up editing because my hands are too painful.  Good luck with doing anything athletic.  But through it all, I was smart.  And I don't feel smart anymore.  Slowly that is being taken too.  I feel like my functionality as a person, my ability to take care of myself (were something to ever happen to John), and my usefulness in society in general are dwindling down, and I'm not sure where else to go from here.  I'm probably over exaggerating from having a hard day.  Maybe I'm not.  Maybe I am just being prophetic of the trajectory that I am on.  I feel like soon all that will be left will be my love for people and the ability to give good advice.  But even those I know are things that can be taken away.  (Well, the good advice part...) Being able to love people isn't worthless in this world.  But nobody will ever pay me to do it at the same time.  There are always other responsibilities that would go along with that, and I am feeling less and less competent.  I'm not quite sure what I'll do with myself.  All I'll be is another burden for someone to take care of.  But I'll sure as heck be a good friend while they are doing it.

I keep thinking about that verse that says "what right does the clay have to say to the potter 'why did you make me this way?'".  So far, in my limited experience, a removal of a skill or functionality has been for the purpose of steering me towards something else.  I thought that something else was teaching.  Now what?  I'm not completely horrid at it, but at the same time, I feel like I'll be that teacher that kids talk about secretly; the teacher that was sorta incompetent.  I remember talking about those teachers when I was in high school.  Apparently I didn't think about how they were real people too, just like my kids won't.

It's better to be pleasantly surprised than to be blindsided so I am preparing myself for this to continue to get worse. It's not going to be easy for me though. I'm sure it's not as bad as I feel like it is.  Maybe I'm just emotional. But that's how I've been feeling lately nonetheless.

UPDATE:  I wrote this about 15 minutes ago.  I just walked into my kitchen to find that the stove had been on for the last 2 hours.  Sigh...  Case. In. Point. At least I don't have a baby to accidentally leave on top of the car while I drive away thinking about how I just know that I've forgotten something...

ALL CLEAR!!

I just realized that I hadn't updated about the RESULTS of all the tests the last few weeks.  (Sorta the most important part!!)  I am all clear!  The thing they removed from my stomach was benign, the place where they removed stuff before showed no new growth, the PET scan was all clear, and my kidney function actually improvement by .1!  (Not a lot, but I'll take it!)  Praise God!

And last night as I was getting ready for bed and brushing my hair, I thanked God for allowing me to keep it.  I could be fighting with awkward grow out hair, and I'm not.  Thank you Lord for the little things :)

Upcoming tests

Well, it's been almost 3 months since that last endoscopy where they found the "almost cancerous" spot in my lower duodenum.  Friday I have my next endoscopy scheduled to see if anything has progressed.  I feel confident that if they find anything, it'll be quick enough to nip in the bud.  I haven't asked the doctor what the course of action would be if they DID find something that had blossomed into full blown cancer again.  I don't know if they'll just remove it and that's that, or if I'll have to go do chemo again.  Hopefully it's just a removal...  The next Monday is my PET scan, so I have 2 big tests in the next week or so.  I don't get to have my appointment with Dr. Le to discuss the results.  Seeing as that is the week of Thanksgiving, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  On one hand, if it's bad news I won't know for Thanksgiving.  On the other hand, if it's good news... I won't know for Thanksgiving.  It's sorta a double edged sword. 

As an update to my last prayer requests, I was able to go to A&M with John, but I wasn't able to go out for Halloween:(  Sniff... Sniff... (I pouted in my room for about an hour, and then gave up and came out for dinner and a DVD with John.) It's a good thing that I didn't go out though because I ended up having a relapse of the bronchitis and still haven't been able to shake it.  (Who knows how much worse it could have been if I went out!) I guess that's all part of the gig for now; when I get sick, I get sick for like a month.  It again makes me so grateful that I only work 2 days a week!!!  So thankful.  Work is going wonderfully.  I thank my God in heaven for that job.  For a while, I had been planning on using dance to get back in shape, and I've finally come to the conclusion that that just isn't going to happen.  At least not for a while.  I'm stronger than I was, but not as strong as I want to be.  Normally I try to end on a good note, and say the things that are going well, and the things that I am really thankful for.  In all honesty, I'm not really feeling it right now.  I'm sick of being sick.  I'm sick of being "the sick girl".  It's pretty old.  But you know what?  Living the Christian life, choosing to be thankful, none of it depends on  how you are "feeling" that day.  So despite my lack of feelings, I will choose to be thankful today.  I am thankful for a husband who loves me "like Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her". I am thankful for my parents and the rest of my family who are so supportive.  I am thankful for work that I love, students that I love, coworkers who are supportive of each other, and a gracious administration.  I am thankful for a cuddly cat, and a bunny who likes to leap in the air.  And sucky as they are, I choose to thank God for the hardships: for the sickness, for the tiredness.  Why?  Because we are called to rejoice in all things, and I am choosing to trust that He is doing it for a reason.  Why?  Because I have blind faith and I'm a mindless drone?  No.  Because I have seen too many times when He has taken a sucky situation and created awesome things from it.  I trust because He has PROVEN Himself trustworthy.  It is a trust based on evidence of His faithfulness.  (And in case you are wondering, yes.  I am preaching this to myself right now.  I really needed a reminder for what I know to be true today.  I think sometimes this blog gives me the forum by which to remind myself.)

Updates on my life

Hello all!  I was having lunch with my mom yesterday and she mentioned that a lot of people were asking about me since I haven't updated in so long.  In this case, no news is good news!

I started working part time at the Dallas Learning Center in August.  I think I had at least posted about that, how I was able to get 2 days instead of 3, which I have been soooooo thankful for.  There really is NO way I could have done 3.   I feel about to collapse with 2!  But it is a good exhaustion.  And since I'm prepping for 3 new classes (Chemistry, Biology and Physical Science),  I have plenty of work that I do at home.  When I first started, I dreaded going to school each day because I was so tired.  However, I discovered that I was having a different feeling at the end of each day:  I would leave absolutely loving the job!  I absolutely love working there.  I love my boss.  I love my coworkers, and I love the kids!

The scores on my first round of tests (for the kids at school) a few weeks ago came back very very good!  Much better than other teachers they've had in the past!!  I got lots of kudos for that.  And it's not like I'm making the test easier because it is a test from a distance curriculum from University of Nebraska - Lincoln.  The tests are actually pretty hard.  I'm just doing a good job prepping the kids.  My boss was very impressed, and very pleased. 

Like all of last year, I have my good days and my bad.  Lately, I've been having a lot of bad though.  I find that if I have a day that I do a lot of activity, it takes me several weeks to recover.  My day this month was fair day.  John and I had a blast!  We worked through the whole place eating every fried dish imaginable.  (This is the entire reason John goes.  He's a pretty frugal guy.... until fair time.  Then he'll drop about 50 bucks on food alone!)  We both get fair tickets from our school though, so at least we didn't have to pay for admission.  We were there for like 10 hours!  And boy have I been paying for it ever since... But if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing :)  

My poor sweet John is struggling pretty hard.  He went full time at the high school (so that I could have health insurance) and it has been so much more work than when he was part time.  On top of that, he's teaching the class at Tarrent County College, and still working on his dissertation!  He's got 230 pages so far, and working hard.  But he is so tired, and getting really discouraged.  He's just ready for it to be over.  Prayers for his continued strength and renewal would be greatly appreciated.  He has been my rock.  He has taken care of all that on top of taking care of me.  He is such a rare gem.  I can't imagine life without him, and it's hard to see him so weary, knowing that there really isn't much I can do about it.  As soon as I start trying too hard to do stuff around the house, I get sick, and then he has to take care of me more.  I do what I can, but I feel guilty a lot.  Through it all, he never complains or makes me feel bad and keeps telling me that the best gift I can give him is to take care of myself, and not feel like I have to keep the house spotless.  (Ha!  As if I could do that when I was perfectly healthy!  Haha!)

Thursday, we are supposed to leave for Texas A & M.  John has organized a panel discussion, similar to the one he did there a few years ago.  The one a few years ago was called "The God Dialogues" and it had 2 atheists and 2 theists arguing from various philosophical angles for the existence of God.  They had over 300 people and it was standing room only.  This year, they are having 2 atheists, 2 Christians, and 2 Muslims discussing "The Problem of Evil" (meaning if a good God exists, then why is there so much evil in the world).  They will each be discussing how their world view gives account for this phenomenon.  We are supposed to leave Thursday after lunch, drive to A&M, do the panel discussion that night, spend the night in the hotel that they are putting him up in, and then drive back Friday.  I am really hoping that I can make it.  I am on the verge of getting sick (as I am so often...).  If you would pray that the Lord would just heal my body this week, that would be AWESOME.

So, looking into the future... I don't have my next PET scan till next month.  It feels like an eternity away.  Has it only been 2 months since my last one?!?!  It feels like it's been 4.  I wait with baited breath for those PET scans because in between each one, my mind wanders.  I'm losing weight a little.  Wait!  That happened last time before they discovered the cancer!  Small pains in my abdomen?  Better pay attention to those... Poo looking a little funny?  Did it look like that last year?  I can't remember... On and on my brain goes, looking for any sign that mimics what was there last year, before they diagnosed me.    Then I get my PET scan, and when it says "clean", I breath a sigh of relief and wait for another month or two, before I start having all these fears creep up all over again.  It's silly and pointless, and I know that it is silly and pointless.  So I thank God that he will give me the strength to stand, come what may.  And I ESPECIALLY praise God for those closest to me that He has given me to hold me up when I can't. 

And one more super stupid request... I have a picture of myself from Halloween last year.  I knew I wasn't feeling well enough to go to the costume party with my friends.  So I decided to be all pitiful, get all dressed up in my costume so that John could take a picture of me feeling sad and pitiful in my costume in the living room.  I really want to go to the costume party this year.  That's the other reason I really want the Lord to heal me this week.  It's on Saturday night.  It would be a lot to do, going to A&M a few days before, and then doing the party.  I know I really need to listen to my body, because being sick for work is not acceptable.  Anyway, it would just really mean a lot to me if I could feel well enough to go to the party.  (I feel silly asking...)

Well, that's all for now.  It means so much that people were asking my mom for me to write again.  I feel very loved :)

The good, the great, and the ugly.

Well, I've got good news, I've got GREAT news, and I've got sorta sucky news.  Normally I'd start with the great news, but since the great news requires you to understand the sucky news, I'll start with that one.

Short recap: insurance was denying the PET scan that Dr. Le (my oncologist) was requesting.  PET scan is the thing that checks for cancer.  Insurance said "No.  Only every 6 months, not every 3."  So, they were going to have to do a CT scan instead.  The problem with a CT scan is that it requires 2 things: drinking the most God-awful concoction that I have ever had, and then putting a contrast dye into my bloodstream.  Last time I tried to get this done (b.c.  haha!  Before cancer!  I'm so witty...) they couldn't do the intravenous contrast dye because my creatinine level was too high.  (Creatinine level measures basic kidney function.)  When they did the CT last time, it felt kinda pointless since the scan only showed a "thickening of the walls" in my small intestine.  That's it?!?!  For that massive tumor in my intestine, all it showed was a thickening of the walls?!?!  If that's all it can do without the contrast dye, I'll pass. But they were still telling me that this was the only test I could have.   However, they decided to double check, see how my creatinine was doing. So that's where we left off last time... Prayer to get approval for a PET scan. 

The sucky news is that my creatinine was significantly high.  My Nephrologist immediately ordered a 24 hour urinalysis.  I got to collect my pee for 24 hours.  Ewwww.... So, I got the call today about how that had gone.  Conclusion? My kidneys are only functioning at somewhere between 40%-50%.  Not renal failure, but not great either.  Of course I immediately googled what percentage renal failure was.  It is around 20%.  When it is approaching that, they start talking about dialysis and transplants.  I've already had 3 family members offer a kidney:)  My family rocks.  I feel VERY loved!  Next step: I am going in Monday morning to have an ultrasound of my kidneys.  Not sure what that does.  From what I remember last time I had that done (sometime in high school), the left one is sorta shriveled and gimpy.  I guess it's just a matter of finding out how much gimpier it has gotten since then.  

So, the good news is that the doctor that the kidney doctor who normally takes 6 months to see is fitting me in next Wednesday!!! Eaaaarly... (before school.  I'm sure I'll be all bright eyed and bushy tailed for class... cough... sarcasm...) On one hand, it's pretty awesome that he is getting me in so soon!  On the other hand... Should I be concerned that he's jumping on this so fast?  In my past experience, when they rearrange their schedule for you, it's not a good sign... But for now, I'll just chose to think it's because he likes me so much.

The GREAT news is that after haggling with insurance about how I can't have the full CT scan because of my kidneys, they have agreed to let me have the PET scan!!! Wooohoooo!! No nasty barium!!  I'm pretty stoked about that.  That will take place, also eaaaarly tomorrow morning.  (like be there by 6:30).

Between now and next Wednesday afternoon, I have 4 doctors appointments, and 2 procedures.  Phew!  It'll be a busy week!  Thank God for modern medicine!!

Praise God for answered prayers!!!

HOLY COW!!  I have been praising God to everyone who will listen to me for the last two hours or so.  God is so good!  Prayer request #1 was answered!!!  And it was answered in an even better way than I prayed for!!  When they first hired me, they only really needed me for 2 days a week.  I told the lady that I could do 3, to which she responded with "Great!  We can find stuff for you to do!  Math tutorials, SAT prep... We'll keep you busy!"  The closer it came to school starting the more and more terrified I got because I knew that I was physically incapable of doing 3 days a week.  Two days didn't scare me as badly.  I felt pretty comfortable committing to 2 days, but not 3.  But now I was in the awkward position of telling my boss "Hey! Remember that whole cancer and chemo thing?  Well, I don't think I'm fully over it.  In fact, I'm so tired that 3 measly days a week is too much."  Yeah... that's not the way you want to start out a job.  So, as I mentioned yesterday about prayer, I wanted to be able to go down to 2 days, and I wanted HER to bring it up.  I thought maybe it could be like budget cuts or something.  I knew the talk would be awkward for them to have, but I didn't care.  I'd pretend to be bummed, all the while rejoicing on the inside. 

But God answered it even BETTER than that!  NOBODY had to bring it up!  We discussed my schedule, and pretty much everything fell on 2 days as expected.  And before we could really talk about the 3rd day, I just said "Yeah!  Tuesday and Wednesdays sound great, with the occasional Friday if the kids are behind." So, occasionally I'll have a 2 and a half day week.  But it's only on an "as needed" basis.  I feel so relieved.  SOOOO relieved!  And nobody had to have an awkward conversation.  It all just worked itself out.  I am on cloud 9, and actually looking forward to teaching again, instead of dreading it.  God is so good.  And so specific!  And He does it even BETTER than we ask for.

After a hiatus, we bring you MORE awesome news...

So, I haven't posted in a while.  I guess I've been so excited to be out and living life (well... in comparison anyways...) that I figured there wasn't much to update.  Until today... Last year, before we discovered the cancer in my small intestine, they found what is called a "pre-cancerous polyp" in my lower duodenum.  The plan of action?  Remove it, biopsy it, and come back in a year to see if there is any new growth.  There's no way to guarantee that they got it all, so that's why they usually have you come back in a year. 

There are 3 steps before something is designated as "cancer".  There is the adenoma stage, low dysplasia, and high dysplasia.  The steps are distinguished by how abnormal the cells are from regular cells.  High dysplasia, they're pretty funky looking.  Cancer = totally jacked up.  Last year, it was just an "adenoma".  This time... High dysplasia.  It's jumped up two steps.  Instead of waiting a year, we are going to check back again in 3 months.  We'll see what happens then.  It makes me wonder what else is growing in my body... You know, the places where you can't easily stick a camera.  Where the sun don't shine so to speak.  Not THAT place. You can stick a camera there.  But all the other places... pancreas... brain... bone marrow... All THOSE places. 

So, as always, I need to end with what I am thankful for, because we are called to rejoice in ALL things (not just the fun things)... So here it goes (although I've got to warn you, it sounds depressing) Of course the obvious, I am thankful that it is still just precancerous, and not cancer.  I am thankful that they are catching it early enough to do something about.  But besides all that, I am really thankful that I don't fear death.  There really isn't any choice but to think about death when someone drops the C word.  And I am really thankful that death really doesn't scare me at all.  Like at ALL.  Honestly, it seems pretty cool.  I get a new body (score!) and I can go to a place where there is no sickness, pain, or tears.  Why would that be something I should want to fear and avoid?  I am thankful that I don't have kids where I would worry what will happen to them.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through all this crap terrified at the prospect of dying.  And if I had to choose between this happening to someone with kids and a fear of death, or me (childless and almost looking forward to meeting my maker), then I'm glad it's me. 

So... Prayer.  Apart from the obvious, here's what I really need prayer for:

1) I go back to school tomorrow, and I am terrified.  I can barely make it through a 2 hour shopping trip before I start feeling like I'm going to collapse.  How in the WORLD will I make it through 3 full days a week?!?!  I am banking on the fact that I get energy around kids (teenagers) and that I enjoy being with them so much that it gives me energy.  My main prayer is that my work would ask me to go from 3 days to 2.  I don't want to ask them.  I don't want to give them hirer's remorse.  But if they would ask me (for WHATEVER reason!  Fewer students, budget cuts, whatever) to go to 2 days, that would be awesome. So please pray for supernatural energy to make it through school.

2) It's a long story as to why I need this.  It mainly involves a CAT scan.  But I really want a nephrologist who is at Plano Presbyterian hospital, who is LINKED in to the hospital, who can see all my records on their hospital networked computer.  Every referral that I get, every doctor I look up online, no matter how much it SAYS that they are a part of Texas Health Resources Presbyterian Plano Hospital, for some reason they never are.  They are always located somewhere near the hospital, but not IN the hospital.  I have too many doctors.  I want one place, one address to remember, where I know that I can walk into this building, and all my doctors are in there somewhere.  Talking to each other.  Sharing medical information.  It is gotten to a point where I am willing to just skip having the CAT scan and waiting 3 more months till I can have a PET scan.  However, after the news today, that seems especially unwise.  But I don't know what else to do. 

:( This hurts a little

Dear John and Hillary,
Thank you so much for filling out the pre-application to our agency. After careful consideration our agency and social services department will not be able to approve your application based your recent history of cancer. Even when cancer is in remission, we typically want to see at least 5 years of stability prior to starting an adoption. Some foreign governments require at least ten years. You may be able to consider a domestic adoption in the meantime.

(not that I blame them really though...) And in case you were wondering, we weren't really applying to start the process now.  It was just the pre-application that you have to do to even start thinking about it.  I guess it's best that I found out to stop thinking about it now rather than later. 

John says that it is altogether possible that I got cancer when I did because God wanted a way to really determine the next 5 years of our life, and that this could be His way of saying that He wants us to really focus on the college students that John will be working with.  Maybe college students are the only ones that we are supposed to be "adopting" in the future.  I just feel like it's this club that I'll never really be part of.  You know... the mom club.

Great day today! Big day tomorrow...

Well, it's almost 1:30 and I can't sleep.  I think it's a mixture of 2 reasons: all the caffeine I had this afternoon in celebration of the END of chemo!!! It was such a lovely party.  I couldn't have asked for more.  So that is one possible reason.  The other is ironically the opposite, and that is the fact that my next PET scan is tomorrow.  My head is fine.  My head says "No sweat!"  My body says, nausea, shake, freak freak freak out...  I wish I could quiet my body up.  It's the emotional teenager, and my brain is the calm collected adult that tries to quell the mass hysteria as much as possible.  I remember the last few PET scans I got.  I couldn't sleep before them either.  Why would today be any different? And do I have to go through this insomnia twice, since I have to wait till Wednesday to get the results?  I'm glad we had the party when we did, so that even if I get not so great news, we at lease got to formally celebrate the end of chapter 1. 

My old pastor, Britt Merrick, has a little girl who has been battling some gnarly cancer for a while.   One of his most recent posts sums up my thoughts exactly.  They were going in to get her next scan.  He wrote "If it shows that she has no more cancer, we will praise the Lord!  If it shows that does still have cancer... we will praise the Lord."

I know I've said this verse before, but I really mean it.  I'm too tired to look up where, but it's in Job when his wife is telling him to "curse God and die" from all the crap he was experiencing.  To which Job replies "Shall we accept good from the Lord, and not evil?  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

It is what it is, and it will be what it will be.  I hope and pray that I am all clear, all healthy, and well on the path to start dancing again!  But if not, then that is OK too.  I have more to learn.  And if anyone knows me at all, they know one thing: I LOVE to learn!

Here's a picture I took tonight of some Tulips that someone gave me.  I'd like to think that it doesn't represent me.  I'll have to think of some other explanation than the obvious.  I welcome other captions and interpretations!!  Bring em on!

Anyway, I call it the defeated tulip.  Poor little guy looked so sad.  I had to photograph him!