2:28 am, and still awake

This usually happens.  The night before chemo, I have a hard time getting to sleep.  There is this real conflict of... something... emotions probably, but it feels like a blend of thoughts and emotions.  Maybe it's the chaos as my brain tries to break up a fight between my positive and negative emotions, and thus my brain joins the fray.  Whatever it is, it is fairly predictable.  John caught onto it a lot earlier than I did.  Sometimes I'd be cranky.  Other times I'd be all emotional.  Either way, John knew that he was going to have to take a deep breath and whether the storm, whatever that might be for the night.  It was a lot better for us once he gently gently brought this to my attention.  (It was probably prompted by me saying some thing like "What is wrong with me tonight?!?  I feel so... so... so something.  Anxious or something..." To which he probably wrapped me in his arms and said "Yeah, I've come to expect that the night before chemo".  me: "What? I do this every time?" John: "Yup.")  So there you have it.  Mystery kinda solved.

Unfortunately knowing the source and the cause doesn't necessarily make it go away.  There's that part of me that is praying that all my gorging on pineapples has lifted my platelet levels, and I'll be able to do chemo tomorrow.  The good news will be: I don't have to delay chemo more!  The bad news will be: I have to do chemo now.  Ewwww... Me no likey.  BUT BUT BUT!!!  The really good news (best case scenario) is that if I can do chemo tomorrow (technically it's "today" but I don't consider tomorrow today until I've actually gone to sleep and woken up.) So, chemo tomorrow, and then Dr. Le could possibly say "We'll do a week and a half gap instead of 2 weeks, and do your chemo next Wednesday".  This would put me back on track without any delays.  At that point, after that one that is a mere week and half away from now, I will only have ONE MORE SESSION!!!  Tomorrow is third to last.  After I'm done with that one, there there are only two more!  And after that next one, there is only ONE more!!!!!!  That's totally doable.  I think it is anyways.

So, no deep thoughts tonight.  Just a dance of anxiety and hope.  It's a rather elegant dance though, if I do say so myself:)

Chemo postponed, PET scan done

So, I had my PET scan this morning.  I had stress dreams allllll night about it last night.  It was ri-di-cu-lous.  Needless to say, I was super tired.  But, the technician said (after I probed pretty hard) that if anything was there, it wasn't big enough to be obvious to him.  So, that has me placated for a while, at least until my appointment with Dr. Le. 

I had rescheduled my chemo to be closer to the PET scan time, so we didn't have hours of lag in between.  However, there was a snafu in communication with the receptionist.  She had called me back right after I rescheduled to say that since the PET scan results wouldn't be back in time, and Dr. Le didn't want to meet with me until the PET scan results were in (maybe "technically" couldn't meet with me until then?) that we would have to reschedule my doctor's appointment.  However, I didn't understand that the doctor's appointment and the chemo were a package deal; I can't do one without the other.  So, I showed up thinking I was going to just go straight into chemo and skip the doctor's appointment (which I normally have right before chemo).  But, I found out otherwise.  Part of me is annoyed, because I don't want to stretch the 6 months out (and because it throws off my schedule for next week).  Part of me is relieved because I have still been very weak this past week ever since the whole sickness last Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  So, I guess this will give me extra time to build up my stamina.  I was worried that this would throw off my schedule to make Christmas week a chemo week, but they said that we could skip that week.  So I'll be feeling REALLY good for Christmas!  I feel bad that I made mom come all the way down for the chemo and then just drive me back to my apartment though.  Coulda woulda shoulda.  At least I'll be feeling good for John's birthday!