Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Boooo... Frowny face:(
I can't write much because I'm on my phone, but my platelets are not high enough. Chemos a no go. :( We'll try again Monday.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Prayer!! Need prayer!!!
Hello everyone! Ok, here's the situation. I felt like I was gonna pass out for the last 5 days or so. I had just gotten an infection and was wondering if that was the reason, or if my blood was low. The answer is yes. Yes to both. The infection apparently can take a toll on a chemo patient and can make you feel like death. (Check...)
On a positive note, my hemoglobin levels were low, but not that low. They met the minimum requirement of what is needed to proceed with chemo. (they were at least 2 pints higher than what they were last time we had this little crisis) HOWEVER... my platelets... my platelets are tanked even lower than last time. The average range is between 130-400, and mine is registering at 52. Yikes!!! (Thank God I haven't had any nosebleeds again though or gotten any cuts, or I'm sure my hemoglobin would also be way low!) The problem with this is that there is a minimum requirement for both hemoglobin and platelets in order to proceed with chemo for the week. I DO NOT WANT TO MISS CHEMO AGAIN!!! I do not want to put my ending date back ANOTHER week!!!! The minimum that my platelets need to be in order to be deemed "healthy enough for chemo" is 80. Please, please, please, please pray that my platelets would get up to the minimum within the next day and a half. (Shoot! Pray that they get up to the normal range! Dream big, right?) I can't stress how much I don't want to delay another week.
I'm honestly not stressing all that much about it, because whenever I have put something out here for people to pray for, I have usually seen almost immediate results. God is good, and He listens to the prayers of His people. I feel ABSOLUTELY confident that He will do this. However, even if He chooses not to, I praise the name of my God because He is good. (say it with me! "The Lord is good" "When?" "All the time") I love the prayer of Job. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord". Here's my song for the day. For those of you who were at my wedding, this was the song that John and I walked out with, right after our big fantastic smooch. Please forgive the graphics. There's no way to get a Christian song without seriously cheesy graphics. Just listen and read the lyrics and chuckle to yourself at the graphics:)
On a positive note, my hemoglobin levels were low, but not that low. They met the minimum requirement of what is needed to proceed with chemo. (they were at least 2 pints higher than what they were last time we had this little crisis) HOWEVER... my platelets... my platelets are tanked even lower than last time. The average range is between 130-400, and mine is registering at 52. Yikes!!! (Thank God I haven't had any nosebleeds again though or gotten any cuts, or I'm sure my hemoglobin would also be way low!) The problem with this is that there is a minimum requirement for both hemoglobin and platelets in order to proceed with chemo for the week. I DO NOT WANT TO MISS CHEMO AGAIN!!! I do not want to put my ending date back ANOTHER week!!!! The minimum that my platelets need to be in order to be deemed "healthy enough for chemo" is 80. Please, please, please, please pray that my platelets would get up to the minimum within the next day and a half. (Shoot! Pray that they get up to the normal range! Dream big, right?) I can't stress how much I don't want to delay another week.
I'm honestly not stressing all that much about it, because whenever I have put something out here for people to pray for, I have usually seen almost immediate results. God is good, and He listens to the prayers of His people. I feel ABSOLUTELY confident that He will do this. However, even if He chooses not to, I praise the name of my God because He is good. (say it with me! "The Lord is good" "When?" "All the time") I love the prayer of Job. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord". Here's my song for the day. For those of you who were at my wedding, this was the song that John and I walked out with, right after our big fantastic smooch. Please forgive the graphics. There's no way to get a Christian song without seriously cheesy graphics. Just listen and read the lyrics and chuckle to yourself at the graphics:)
(Blessed be the name of the Lord by Matthew Redman)
(Also, I want to give a shout out to some super awesome people who have been blessing me like crazy! (Of course my parents) Thank you to my cousin Mary who actually canceled a work appointment to take me into the hospital last Thursday when I was feeling so sick. Thanks to my other cousin Mandy for actually sitting through two bags of fluid with me. Thank you to some people from John's school (I'm not sure who...), Abby, Katy, and Stephanie for some awesome meals. And a huge thank you to my bff Jenise who actually came over to help me clean (Ok, she did most of it while I layed on the couch and cried on John. But I helped some!). Not only did she do it, but she expressed LOVING it the whole time! (She's kinda a freak like that. Of course, one of her reasons for loving it was she loved being able to actually see such a difference while doing it. It gave her a sense of accomplishment. It game me a sense of shame. Haha!)
Monday, February 21, 2011
A little better, a little worse, and the emotional gamut
Sorry this is tardy! Our internet has been on and off all weekend.
This round was not nearly as draining as the previous several. The last couple of times, I pretty much slept for 3 days straight, and was mostly incoherent for several days after that. I was actually awake during the day for this one!! I was still tired, but it wasn't like I had gotten hit by a mack-truck, like how I'd felt the last few times. The nausea has been much worse though. The glass half empty mindset would say "Uggg... if it's not one thing it's another". I think I'll choose to go half full on this puppy and say "Good thing they aren't all coming at the same time!"
These were my thoughts this weekend. I've run a pretty wide gamut of emotions today though. Here are the verses that I was really "feeling" today: (read all the way to the end, or you'll get really depressed)
Lamentations 3:17-24
"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. So I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord."
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it, and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I will hope in him."
Such is the ebb and flow of the believer who is experiencing difficulty. I love Psalms, and I love the lamenting in general from the Old Testament. They didn't sugar coat things. If life kinda sucked, they said it: "Life sucks!", but in beautifully poetic language of course:) But it never stays there. It almost always inevitably follows that the writer remembers who God is. It isn't some saccharine "Let's turn that frown upside down!" kind of crap. It is knowledge. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.
There is a worship song we used to sing back when I lived in Santa Barbara. The chorus was "Why are you so downcast oh my soul? I will yet praise You, my Savior my King." I always identified with that. It's an honesty followed by discipline. It is the honest cry of someone who feels (FEELS) a hopelessness within them. And it is the discipline of reminding themselves of the truth. I know what I know, whether I feel it or not.
I was laying there in the hospital today feeling the first part of this. "My soul is bereft of peace. I have forgotten what happiness is." I feel very strongly that when I am feeling like this, it is because I have been starving myself from the word. I have not been reading. I have not been praying. I have not been plugging into the the one that gives hope in the face of hopelessness. So I read a little. I prayed a little. I meditated on the goodness of my God. And like water flowing onto a plant that is nearly dead, I could feel myself rising from the depths, and a twinkle came back just a little bit into my eyes.
I can usually gauge how I'm feeling by how "possible" I feel like it could be for me to be a mom. I know that I'm having a good day, and feeling good, when I start thinking about having kids. It is those days that I have enough energy to feel like "I really want to be a mom. I could do that". I guess I weigh my ability to do something in the future by how I am feeling in the present. If I have energy, then I tend to plan optimistically, because future hard work feels possible based on my current amount of energy. However, it is usually inevitably followed within either hours or days, by the stark contrast of "Who am I kidding? You don't get sick days as a mom. How could I ever take care of someone else when I feel like this all the time? I can't even take care of myself." This didn't start when I found out I had cancer. But then again, we really don't know how long it had been there, so maybe it did. Anyways, today was a first. Today was the first day that I have ever felt crappy AND thought about wanting to be a mom simultaneously. (to quote Zoolander, "Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had!!" haha!) It may not sound like a lot for some people, but this was a big deal for me. It's some part inside of me that is having a spark of a hope that I can have a normal life in the future. I still may not. But it's nice to daydream about it though.
This round was not nearly as draining as the previous several. The last couple of times, I pretty much slept for 3 days straight, and was mostly incoherent for several days after that. I was actually awake during the day for this one!! I was still tired, but it wasn't like I had gotten hit by a mack-truck, like how I'd felt the last few times. The nausea has been much worse though. The glass half empty mindset would say "Uggg... if it's not one thing it's another". I think I'll choose to go half full on this puppy and say "Good thing they aren't all coming at the same time!"
These were my thoughts this weekend. I've run a pretty wide gamut of emotions today though. Here are the verses that I was really "feeling" today: (read all the way to the end, or you'll get really depressed)
Lamentations 3:17-24
"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. So I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord."
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it, and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I will hope in him."
Such is the ebb and flow of the believer who is experiencing difficulty. I love Psalms, and I love the lamenting in general from the Old Testament. They didn't sugar coat things. If life kinda sucked, they said it: "Life sucks!", but in beautifully poetic language of course:) But it never stays there. It almost always inevitably follows that the writer remembers who God is. It isn't some saccharine "Let's turn that frown upside down!" kind of crap. It is knowledge. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.
There is a worship song we used to sing back when I lived in Santa Barbara. The chorus was "Why are you so downcast oh my soul? I will yet praise You, my Savior my King." I always identified with that. It's an honesty followed by discipline. It is the honest cry of someone who feels (FEELS) a hopelessness within them. And it is the discipline of reminding themselves of the truth. I know what I know, whether I feel it or not.
I was laying there in the hospital today feeling the first part of this. "My soul is bereft of peace. I have forgotten what happiness is." I feel very strongly that when I am feeling like this, it is because I have been starving myself from the word. I have not been reading. I have not been praying. I have not been plugging into the the one that gives hope in the face of hopelessness. So I read a little. I prayed a little. I meditated on the goodness of my God. And like water flowing onto a plant that is nearly dead, I could feel myself rising from the depths, and a twinkle came back just a little bit into my eyes.
I can usually gauge how I'm feeling by how "possible" I feel like it could be for me to be a mom. I know that I'm having a good day, and feeling good, when I start thinking about having kids. It is those days that I have enough energy to feel like "I really want to be a mom. I could do that". I guess I weigh my ability to do something in the future by how I am feeling in the present. If I have energy, then I tend to plan optimistically, because future hard work feels possible based on my current amount of energy. However, it is usually inevitably followed within either hours or days, by the stark contrast of "Who am I kidding? You don't get sick days as a mom. How could I ever take care of someone else when I feel like this all the time? I can't even take care of myself." This didn't start when I found out I had cancer. But then again, we really don't know how long it had been there, so maybe it did. Anyways, today was a first. Today was the first day that I have ever felt crappy AND thought about wanting to be a mom simultaneously. (to quote Zoolander, "Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had!!" haha!) It may not sound like a lot for some people, but this was a big deal for me. It's some part inside of me that is having a spark of a hope that I can have a normal life in the future. I still may not. But it's nice to daydream about it though.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Hillary's Husband has snuck into her account!
[From John to Hillary]
To my Tufted Puffin,
Happy Valentines Day My Darling. I know this bout of sickness (not to mention the cure) have dealt you a punishing blow, and it has been hard to be so helpless in seeing what you endure and yet I can't fix any of it. I can't make the cancer go away, or make the chemo any easier. Yet you have inspired and encouraged me in how you've dealt with it. You are an amazing woman and I fall in love with you more and more each day. Happy Valentines day. I adore you, enjoy you, and just plain love you.
Sincerely, your polar bear.
To my Tufted Puffin,
Happy Valentines Day My Darling. I know this bout of sickness (not to mention the cure) have dealt you a punishing blow, and it has been hard to be so helpless in seeing what you endure and yet I can't fix any of it. I can't make the cancer go away, or make the chemo any easier. Yet you have inspired and encouraged me in how you've dealt with it. You are an amazing woman and I fall in love with you more and more each day. Happy Valentines day. I adore you, enjoy you, and just plain love you.
Sincerely, your polar bear.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A little more energy
Even though chemo was canceled, I ended up staying at my parents anyways. I was so weak, and then with the whole crutches thing on top of it, I really didn't want to be alone. I found that when I went there, I perked up a whole lot. The first day or two I slept most of the day, but then Thursday and Friday, I was actually up and interacting! Part of me wonders if some of my weakness was just from being alone most of the day, everyday, for like 2 weeks. I am an extrovert. Having other people around energizes me. John came up and got me last night since he's home on the weekends. I am walking much better now. I still have the boot on, but at least I don't need to use the crutches anymore. That is just a pain.
I woke up this morning at around 6, which is really unusual for me. I tried to just sleep through anyways, but then Petunia had one of her little "bunny nightmares" that she has occasionally. She thumps REALLY loud. It sounds like a gunshot. It's a bunny strategy to warn other bunnies of danger, and John and I finally figured out that she does this when she has had a bad dream. Like all kids, she just needs me to go sit with her for a second, remind her that she's a safe bunny and that mommy's here, and then she goes right back to sleep. If you don't, she'll keep thumping. So, needless to say that cemented the "awakeness" on my part. So, I'm sitting here with Lula in my lap trying to get sleepy again.
I think I might have a really good weekend! I feel better than I have in a while (which probably means my blood is up!) I always overdo it though when I feel better, and I always overdo it on SATURDAY and then wake up knowing that I don't feel well enough to go to church. NOT this time! I will bide my time and stay chill today, and finally get to go to church again! I feel so out of the loop.
And another shout out to my love Laura! I got a pink package in the mail from Victoria's Secret with a card that said "For doing nothing "in style" - Laura". Inside was a set of leopard print pajamas with pink around the edges, another pink dress style pajama, and a grey robe/sweater thing. Oh! And matching leopard slippers:) I'm sure John will be glad to see me out of ratty t-shirts and my sweatpants for a change. Do I have the greatest friends or what?
I woke up this morning at around 6, which is really unusual for me. I tried to just sleep through anyways, but then Petunia had one of her little "bunny nightmares" that she has occasionally. She thumps REALLY loud. It sounds like a gunshot. It's a bunny strategy to warn other bunnies of danger, and John and I finally figured out that she does this when she has had a bad dream. Like all kids, she just needs me to go sit with her for a second, remind her that she's a safe bunny and that mommy's here, and then she goes right back to sleep. If you don't, she'll keep thumping. So, needless to say that cemented the "awakeness" on my part. So, I'm sitting here with Lula in my lap trying to get sleepy again.
I think I might have a really good weekend! I feel better than I have in a while (which probably means my blood is up!) I always overdo it though when I feel better, and I always overdo it on SATURDAY and then wake up knowing that I don't feel well enough to go to church. NOT this time! I will bide my time and stay chill today, and finally get to go to church again! I feel so out of the loop.
And another shout out to my love Laura! I got a pink package in the mail from Victoria's Secret with a card that said "For doing nothing "in style" - Laura". Inside was a set of leopard print pajamas with pink around the edges, another pink dress style pajama, and a grey robe/sweater thing. Oh! And matching leopard slippers:) I'm sure John will be glad to see me out of ratty t-shirts and my sweatpants for a change. Do I have the greatest friends or what?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Low blood, no chemo, yay crutches...
Well, it's been an interesting week. It was nice having John home so much. 4 snow days in a row!! Crazy! I was having some pretty serious trouble with nose bleeds. (is that one word? Nosebleed?) I've never really had them before, but I just couldn't get it to stop! I called my doctor, but I don't think she really understood how much blood I was talking about. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty weak. I really wanted to get my blood levels checked to see how much I had lost, but I couldn't really get around in the snow and ice (especially not all the way over to Plano). So, I just waited till today when I was going in to get fluids. As expected, it was low. Apparently I lost like 2-3 pints! Crazy! (still not as low as when I had the big fat tumor though!) I was expecting maybe a pint, pint and a half. My platelets were also around half of what they should be. (The nurse said she'd seen much lower, so that's good. Well, I guess not good for that person, but good that I'm not horrifically low.) Dr Lee said that was probably why clotting was a problem, since platelets are involved in the body's clotting response, and that's why I couldn't get it to stop. So, I guess with the numbers so low, at least I don't feel like I am just a wimp for being so tired!! I showed the nurse some of my lovely pictures of how much blood I was losing. I felt very reassured to hear that she had seen similar before. As long as somebody tells me that it's normal, I'm happy. So, anyways there is a certain level of blood and blood platelets that you have to have in order to be consider "healthy" enough to do chemo, and unfortunately I don't make the cut this week:( I'll have to wait till next week which doesn't thrill me because that means that chemo will trickle over into beginning of April. It really is amazing though that it's taken me this long to get to that point! I know of lots of people who have had this problem way earlier on in their treatments, so I still consider myself lucky.
Oh! Ha!! And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again. I'm such a pathetic mess!! Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:) It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap! About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year. I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas... I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes. A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming! Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out. Maybe this'll help?
Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately. That has made a world of difference! Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer. It really makes a difference. It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here. Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:
19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
Amen!!
My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book! It's right about the level I can handle right now. I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind. So, I guess that's the update for today!
If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is. Pray that my blood numbers would get up. Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining. (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill. It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John. I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband. He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself. AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams. He is such a mighty man. I am in awe. But he could really use some encouragement and energy. I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night. It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot. It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal? Is that normal? Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of. That's all for now! As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer.
Oh! Ha!! And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again. I'm such a pathetic mess!! Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:) It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap! About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year. I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas... I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes. A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming! Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out. Maybe this'll help?
Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately. That has made a world of difference! Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer. It really makes a difference. It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here. Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:
19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
Amen!!
My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book! It's right about the level I can handle right now. I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind. So, I guess that's the update for today!
If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is. Pray that my blood numbers would get up. Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining. (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill. It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John. I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband. He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself. AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams. He is such a mighty man. I am in awe. But he could really use some encouragement and energy. I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night. It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot. It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal? Is that normal? Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of. That's all for now! As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Feeling down.
There is something we learned about in my psychology classes back in college. It's called "learned helplessness". It is what keeps girls with their abusers, and sometimes kidnap victims with their kidnappers. It is when you "learn" that you are powerless against something, and so the only power I guess you feel like you have at that point is to "choose" the thing you are powerless against. I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming that girl. My captor is called "doing nothing" and I'm getting really, really good at it. Probably too good.
I came to the horrifying realization the other day that there are certain mental things that I can't do right now, even if I try. I'm not talking about being a rocket scientist. I was just trying to work on some Physics for my math/physics teacher certification. I started trying to work on it, and it was like the huge overload, and I had barely gotten started! I've tried to read some of the science books that I've been looking forward to having time to read, and it is like this huge information vomit that I can't see through. This is the kind of thing that I normally enjoy. And I can't right now. It is too overwhelming. (Do you remember that "Twilight Zone" episode where there was the man that just wanted to read, that's all he ever wanted, and he was in some basement during the apocalypse, and when he came out, he was finally all alone and the only building that survived was the library? He's elated feeling like he has gone to heaven. And then he accidentally drops his glasses and steps on them so he can't see, and you leave the episode with him crying "noooooo!!!!!". That's about right. I've got all this time to do all these things that I've been wanting time to do, and now that I have the time, I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do them.) I started crying and asked John if he would still love me as much if I couldn't think very well anymore. Of course he would. I know that. But I would feel left out of his world, that's for sure. I'm already feeling left out. I keep reassuring myself that this "chemo brain" (that's what Dr. Le calls it) is temporary and I'll be me again in no time. But how long? A few weeks after chemo is finished? A month? A few months?!?!
There's something wrong with my blood clotting response right now. I need to talk to Dr. Le about it because it's becoming a bit worrisome. I've had a pretty constant bloody nose now for a few days. John and I were up till after 3:30 the other night trying to get it to stop. I woke up in a little puddle of blood today. It is congealing, but not really clotting. I won't gross you out with more details than that. There is something about getting used to bleeding that is in itself depressing. Of course you have that lady in the Bible who bled for like 30 years, so I should really get over it.
I guess I am just sorta depressed because I don't feel like myself anymore. And I wonder, when I get the chance to go back being "myself", will I be someone different by then? Someone less?
My friend Jenise recommended that I try some reading that was less brainy. Not a bad idea. Maybe it's time to read the Harry Potter books. Lord knows I'd never do it if I didn't do it now. If I can't handle those, then there REALLY isn't any hope for me:)
I came to the horrifying realization the other day that there are certain mental things that I can't do right now, even if I try. I'm not talking about being a rocket scientist. I was just trying to work on some Physics for my math/physics teacher certification. I started trying to work on it, and it was like the huge overload, and I had barely gotten started! I've tried to read some of the science books that I've been looking forward to having time to read, and it is like this huge information vomit that I can't see through. This is the kind of thing that I normally enjoy. And I can't right now. It is too overwhelming. (Do you remember that "Twilight Zone" episode where there was the man that just wanted to read, that's all he ever wanted, and he was in some basement during the apocalypse, and when he came out, he was finally all alone and the only building that survived was the library? He's elated feeling like he has gone to heaven. And then he accidentally drops his glasses and steps on them so he can't see, and you leave the episode with him crying "noooooo!!!!!". That's about right. I've got all this time to do all these things that I've been wanting time to do, and now that I have the time, I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do them.) I started crying and asked John if he would still love me as much if I couldn't think very well anymore. Of course he would. I know that. But I would feel left out of his world, that's for sure. I'm already feeling left out. I keep reassuring myself that this "chemo brain" (that's what Dr. Le calls it) is temporary and I'll be me again in no time. But how long? A few weeks after chemo is finished? A month? A few months?!?!
There's something wrong with my blood clotting response right now. I need to talk to Dr. Le about it because it's becoming a bit worrisome. I've had a pretty constant bloody nose now for a few days. John and I were up till after 3:30 the other night trying to get it to stop. I woke up in a little puddle of blood today. It is congealing, but not really clotting. I won't gross you out with more details than that. There is something about getting used to bleeding that is in itself depressing. Of course you have that lady in the Bible who bled for like 30 years, so I should really get over it.
I guess I am just sorta depressed because I don't feel like myself anymore. And I wonder, when I get the chance to go back being "myself", will I be someone different by then? Someone less?
My friend Jenise recommended that I try some reading that was less brainy. Not a bad idea. Maybe it's time to read the Harry Potter books. Lord knows I'd never do it if I didn't do it now. If I can't handle those, then there REALLY isn't any hope for me:)
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