There is something we learned about in my psychology classes back in college. It's called "learned helplessness". It is what keeps girls with their abusers, and sometimes kidnap victims with their kidnappers. It is when you "learn" that you are powerless against something, and so the only power I guess you feel like you have at that point is to "choose" the thing you are powerless against. I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming that girl. My captor is called "doing nothing" and I'm getting really, really good at it. Probably too good.
I came to the horrifying realization the other day that there are certain mental things that I can't do right now, even if I try. I'm not talking about being a rocket scientist. I was just trying to work on some Physics for my math/physics teacher certification. I started trying to work on it, and it was like the huge overload, and I had barely gotten started! I've tried to read some of the science books that I've been looking forward to having time to read, and it is like this huge information vomit that I can't see through. This is the kind of thing that I normally enjoy. And I can't right now. It is too overwhelming. (Do you remember that "Twilight Zone" episode where there was the man that just wanted to read, that's all he ever wanted, and he was in some basement during the apocalypse, and when he came out, he was finally all alone and the only building that survived was the library? He's elated feeling like he has gone to heaven. And then he accidentally drops his glasses and steps on them so he can't see, and you leave the episode with him crying "noooooo!!!!!". That's about right. I've got all this time to do all these things that I've been wanting time to do, and now that I have the time, I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do them.) I started crying and asked John if he would still love me as much if I couldn't think very well anymore. Of course he would. I know that. But I would feel left out of his world, that's for sure. I'm already feeling left out. I keep reassuring myself that this "chemo brain" (that's what Dr. Le calls it) is temporary and I'll be me again in no time. But how long? A few weeks after chemo is finished? A month? A few months?!?!
There's something wrong with my blood clotting response right now. I need to talk to Dr. Le about it because it's becoming a bit worrisome. I've had a pretty constant bloody nose now for a few days. John and I were up till after 3:30 the other night trying to get it to stop. I woke up in a little puddle of blood today. It is congealing, but not really clotting. I won't gross you out with more details than that. There is something about getting used to bleeding that is in itself depressing. Of course you have that lady in the Bible who bled for like 30 years, so I should really get over it.
I guess I am just sorta depressed because I don't feel like myself anymore. And I wonder, when I get the chance to go back being "myself", will I be someone different by then? Someone less?
My friend Jenise recommended that I try some reading that was less brainy. Not a bad idea. Maybe it's time to read the Harry Potter books. Lord knows I'd never do it if I didn't do it now. If I can't handle those, then there REALLY isn't any hope for me:)
you should SO read the harry potter books. you can even borrow mine! brien reminds me that when we are in the thick of things that we have to look one day ahead and know that God will give us the grace and strength for that one day. when you are naturally analytical like we are it's hard not to get stuck in what peggy calls "awefulizing," where you can only see the worst scenarios that haven't even come to pass. easier said than done. i know i can't fathom what you're enduring hillary, but my year of knee pain without relief i feel gives me a teeny tiny fraction of insight into what you are experiencing, and it's hard not to get down. also, perhaps now is not the time to evaluate your psyche :)
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