Updates on my life

Hello all!  I was having lunch with my mom yesterday and she mentioned that a lot of people were asking about me since I haven't updated in so long.  In this case, no news is good news!

I started working part time at the Dallas Learning Center in August.  I think I had at least posted about that, how I was able to get 2 days instead of 3, which I have been soooooo thankful for.  There really is NO way I could have done 3.   I feel about to collapse with 2!  But it is a good exhaustion.  And since I'm prepping for 3 new classes (Chemistry, Biology and Physical Science),  I have plenty of work that I do at home.  When I first started, I dreaded going to school each day because I was so tired.  However, I discovered that I was having a different feeling at the end of each day:  I would leave absolutely loving the job!  I absolutely love working there.  I love my boss.  I love my coworkers, and I love the kids!

The scores on my first round of tests (for the kids at school) a few weeks ago came back very very good!  Much better than other teachers they've had in the past!!  I got lots of kudos for that.  And it's not like I'm making the test easier because it is a test from a distance curriculum from University of Nebraska - Lincoln.  The tests are actually pretty hard.  I'm just doing a good job prepping the kids.  My boss was very impressed, and very pleased. 

Like all of last year, I have my good days and my bad.  Lately, I've been having a lot of bad though.  I find that if I have a day that I do a lot of activity, it takes me several weeks to recover.  My day this month was fair day.  John and I had a blast!  We worked through the whole place eating every fried dish imaginable.  (This is the entire reason John goes.  He's a pretty frugal guy.... until fair time.  Then he'll drop about 50 bucks on food alone!)  We both get fair tickets from our school though, so at least we didn't have to pay for admission.  We were there for like 10 hours!  And boy have I been paying for it ever since... But if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing :)  

My poor sweet John is struggling pretty hard.  He went full time at the high school (so that I could have health insurance) and it has been so much more work than when he was part time.  On top of that, he's teaching the class at Tarrent County College, and still working on his dissertation!  He's got 230 pages so far, and working hard.  But he is so tired, and getting really discouraged.  He's just ready for it to be over.  Prayers for his continued strength and renewal would be greatly appreciated.  He has been my rock.  He has taken care of all that on top of taking care of me.  He is such a rare gem.  I can't imagine life without him, and it's hard to see him so weary, knowing that there really isn't much I can do about it.  As soon as I start trying too hard to do stuff around the house, I get sick, and then he has to take care of me more.  I do what I can, but I feel guilty a lot.  Through it all, he never complains or makes me feel bad and keeps telling me that the best gift I can give him is to take care of myself, and not feel like I have to keep the house spotless.  (Ha!  As if I could do that when I was perfectly healthy!  Haha!)

Thursday, we are supposed to leave for Texas A & M.  John has organized a panel discussion, similar to the one he did there a few years ago.  The one a few years ago was called "The God Dialogues" and it had 2 atheists and 2 theists arguing from various philosophical angles for the existence of God.  They had over 300 people and it was standing room only.  This year, they are having 2 atheists, 2 Christians, and 2 Muslims discussing "The Problem of Evil" (meaning if a good God exists, then why is there so much evil in the world).  They will each be discussing how their world view gives account for this phenomenon.  We are supposed to leave Thursday after lunch, drive to A&M, do the panel discussion that night, spend the night in the hotel that they are putting him up in, and then drive back Friday.  I am really hoping that I can make it.  I am on the verge of getting sick (as I am so often...).  If you would pray that the Lord would just heal my body this week, that would be AWESOME.

So, looking into the future... I don't have my next PET scan till next month.  It feels like an eternity away.  Has it only been 2 months since my last one?!?!  It feels like it's been 4.  I wait with baited breath for those PET scans because in between each one, my mind wanders.  I'm losing weight a little.  Wait!  That happened last time before they discovered the cancer!  Small pains in my abdomen?  Better pay attention to those... Poo looking a little funny?  Did it look like that last year?  I can't remember... On and on my brain goes, looking for any sign that mimics what was there last year, before they diagnosed me.    Then I get my PET scan, and when it says "clean", I breath a sigh of relief and wait for another month or two, before I start having all these fears creep up all over again.  It's silly and pointless, and I know that it is silly and pointless.  So I thank God that he will give me the strength to stand, come what may.  And I ESPECIALLY praise God for those closest to me that He has given me to hold me up when I can't. 

And one more super stupid request... I have a picture of myself from Halloween last year.  I knew I wasn't feeling well enough to go to the costume party with my friends.  So I decided to be all pitiful, get all dressed up in my costume so that John could take a picture of me feeling sad and pitiful in my costume in the living room.  I really want to go to the costume party this year.  That's the other reason I really want the Lord to heal me this week.  It's on Saturday night.  It would be a lot to do, going to A&M a few days before, and then doing the party.  I know I really need to listen to my body, because being sick for work is not acceptable.  Anyway, it would just really mean a lot to me if I could feel well enough to go to the party.  (I feel silly asking...)

Well, that's all for now.  It means so much that people were asking my mom for me to write again.  I feel very loved :)

The good, the great, and the ugly.

Well, I've got good news, I've got GREAT news, and I've got sorta sucky news.  Normally I'd start with the great news, but since the great news requires you to understand the sucky news, I'll start with that one.

Short recap: insurance was denying the PET scan that Dr. Le (my oncologist) was requesting.  PET scan is the thing that checks for cancer.  Insurance said "No.  Only every 6 months, not every 3."  So, they were going to have to do a CT scan instead.  The problem with a CT scan is that it requires 2 things: drinking the most God-awful concoction that I have ever had, and then putting a contrast dye into my bloodstream.  Last time I tried to get this done (b.c.  haha!  Before cancer!  I'm so witty...) they couldn't do the intravenous contrast dye because my creatinine level was too high.  (Creatinine level measures basic kidney function.)  When they did the CT last time, it felt kinda pointless since the scan only showed a "thickening of the walls" in my small intestine.  That's it?!?!  For that massive tumor in my intestine, all it showed was a thickening of the walls?!?!  If that's all it can do without the contrast dye, I'll pass. But they were still telling me that this was the only test I could have.   However, they decided to double check, see how my creatinine was doing. So that's where we left off last time... Prayer to get approval for a PET scan. 

The sucky news is that my creatinine was significantly high.  My Nephrologist immediately ordered a 24 hour urinalysis.  I got to collect my pee for 24 hours.  Ewwww.... So, I got the call today about how that had gone.  Conclusion? My kidneys are only functioning at somewhere between 40%-50%.  Not renal failure, but not great either.  Of course I immediately googled what percentage renal failure was.  It is around 20%.  When it is approaching that, they start talking about dialysis and transplants.  I've already had 3 family members offer a kidney:)  My family rocks.  I feel VERY loved!  Next step: I am going in Monday morning to have an ultrasound of my kidneys.  Not sure what that does.  From what I remember last time I had that done (sometime in high school), the left one is sorta shriveled and gimpy.  I guess it's just a matter of finding out how much gimpier it has gotten since then.  

So, the good news is that the doctor that the kidney doctor who normally takes 6 months to see is fitting me in next Wednesday!!! Eaaaarly... (before school.  I'm sure I'll be all bright eyed and bushy tailed for class... cough... sarcasm...) On one hand, it's pretty awesome that he is getting me in so soon!  On the other hand... Should I be concerned that he's jumping on this so fast?  In my past experience, when they rearrange their schedule for you, it's not a good sign... But for now, I'll just chose to think it's because he likes me so much.

The GREAT news is that after haggling with insurance about how I can't have the full CT scan because of my kidneys, they have agreed to let me have the PET scan!!! Wooohoooo!! No nasty barium!!  I'm pretty stoked about that.  That will take place, also eaaaarly tomorrow morning.  (like be there by 6:30).

Between now and next Wednesday afternoon, I have 4 doctors appointments, and 2 procedures.  Phew!  It'll be a busy week!  Thank God for modern medicine!!

Praise God for answered prayers!!!

HOLY COW!!  I have been praising God to everyone who will listen to me for the last two hours or so.  God is so good!  Prayer request #1 was answered!!!  And it was answered in an even better way than I prayed for!!  When they first hired me, they only really needed me for 2 days a week.  I told the lady that I could do 3, to which she responded with "Great!  We can find stuff for you to do!  Math tutorials, SAT prep... We'll keep you busy!"  The closer it came to school starting the more and more terrified I got because I knew that I was physically incapable of doing 3 days a week.  Two days didn't scare me as badly.  I felt pretty comfortable committing to 2 days, but not 3.  But now I was in the awkward position of telling my boss "Hey! Remember that whole cancer and chemo thing?  Well, I don't think I'm fully over it.  In fact, I'm so tired that 3 measly days a week is too much."  Yeah... that's not the way you want to start out a job.  So, as I mentioned yesterday about prayer, I wanted to be able to go down to 2 days, and I wanted HER to bring it up.  I thought maybe it could be like budget cuts or something.  I knew the talk would be awkward for them to have, but I didn't care.  I'd pretend to be bummed, all the while rejoicing on the inside. 

But God answered it even BETTER than that!  NOBODY had to bring it up!  We discussed my schedule, and pretty much everything fell on 2 days as expected.  And before we could really talk about the 3rd day, I just said "Yeah!  Tuesday and Wednesdays sound great, with the occasional Friday if the kids are behind." So, occasionally I'll have a 2 and a half day week.  But it's only on an "as needed" basis.  I feel so relieved.  SOOOO relieved!  And nobody had to have an awkward conversation.  It all just worked itself out.  I am on cloud 9, and actually looking forward to teaching again, instead of dreading it.  God is so good.  And so specific!  And He does it even BETTER than we ask for.

After a hiatus, we bring you MORE awesome news...

So, I haven't posted in a while.  I guess I've been so excited to be out and living life (well... in comparison anyways...) that I figured there wasn't much to update.  Until today... Last year, before we discovered the cancer in my small intestine, they found what is called a "pre-cancerous polyp" in my lower duodenum.  The plan of action?  Remove it, biopsy it, and come back in a year to see if there is any new growth.  There's no way to guarantee that they got it all, so that's why they usually have you come back in a year. 

There are 3 steps before something is designated as "cancer".  There is the adenoma stage, low dysplasia, and high dysplasia.  The steps are distinguished by how abnormal the cells are from regular cells.  High dysplasia, they're pretty funky looking.  Cancer = totally jacked up.  Last year, it was just an "adenoma".  This time... High dysplasia.  It's jumped up two steps.  Instead of waiting a year, we are going to check back again in 3 months.  We'll see what happens then.  It makes me wonder what else is growing in my body... You know, the places where you can't easily stick a camera.  Where the sun don't shine so to speak.  Not THAT place. You can stick a camera there.  But all the other places... pancreas... brain... bone marrow... All THOSE places. 

So, as always, I need to end with what I am thankful for, because we are called to rejoice in ALL things (not just the fun things)... So here it goes (although I've got to warn you, it sounds depressing) Of course the obvious, I am thankful that it is still just precancerous, and not cancer.  I am thankful that they are catching it early enough to do something about.  But besides all that, I am really thankful that I don't fear death.  There really isn't any choice but to think about death when someone drops the C word.  And I am really thankful that death really doesn't scare me at all.  Like at ALL.  Honestly, it seems pretty cool.  I get a new body (score!) and I can go to a place where there is no sickness, pain, or tears.  Why would that be something I should want to fear and avoid?  I am thankful that I don't have kids where I would worry what will happen to them.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through all this crap terrified at the prospect of dying.  And if I had to choose between this happening to someone with kids and a fear of death, or me (childless and almost looking forward to meeting my maker), then I'm glad it's me. 

So... Prayer.  Apart from the obvious, here's what I really need prayer for:

1) I go back to school tomorrow, and I am terrified.  I can barely make it through a 2 hour shopping trip before I start feeling like I'm going to collapse.  How in the WORLD will I make it through 3 full days a week?!?!  I am banking on the fact that I get energy around kids (teenagers) and that I enjoy being with them so much that it gives me energy.  My main prayer is that my work would ask me to go from 3 days to 2.  I don't want to ask them.  I don't want to give them hirer's remorse.  But if they would ask me (for WHATEVER reason!  Fewer students, budget cuts, whatever) to go to 2 days, that would be awesome. So please pray for supernatural energy to make it through school.

2) It's a long story as to why I need this.  It mainly involves a CAT scan.  But I really want a nephrologist who is at Plano Presbyterian hospital, who is LINKED in to the hospital, who can see all my records on their hospital networked computer.  Every referral that I get, every doctor I look up online, no matter how much it SAYS that they are a part of Texas Health Resources Presbyterian Plano Hospital, for some reason they never are.  They are always located somewhere near the hospital, but not IN the hospital.  I have too many doctors.  I want one place, one address to remember, where I know that I can walk into this building, and all my doctors are in there somewhere.  Talking to each other.  Sharing medical information.  It is gotten to a point where I am willing to just skip having the CAT scan and waiting 3 more months till I can have a PET scan.  However, after the news today, that seems especially unwise.  But I don't know what else to do. 

:( This hurts a little

Dear John and Hillary,
Thank you so much for filling out the pre-application to our agency. After careful consideration our agency and social services department will not be able to approve your application based your recent history of cancer. Even when cancer is in remission, we typically want to see at least 5 years of stability prior to starting an adoption. Some foreign governments require at least ten years. You may be able to consider a domestic adoption in the meantime.

(not that I blame them really though...) And in case you were wondering, we weren't really applying to start the process now.  It was just the pre-application that you have to do to even start thinking about it.  I guess it's best that I found out to stop thinking about it now rather than later. 

John says that it is altogether possible that I got cancer when I did because God wanted a way to really determine the next 5 years of our life, and that this could be His way of saying that He wants us to really focus on the college students that John will be working with.  Maybe college students are the only ones that we are supposed to be "adopting" in the future.  I just feel like it's this club that I'll never really be part of.  You know... the mom club.

Great day today! Big day tomorrow...

Well, it's almost 1:30 and I can't sleep.  I think it's a mixture of 2 reasons: all the caffeine I had this afternoon in celebration of the END of chemo!!! It was such a lovely party.  I couldn't have asked for more.  So that is one possible reason.  The other is ironically the opposite, and that is the fact that my next PET scan is tomorrow.  My head is fine.  My head says "No sweat!"  My body says, nausea, shake, freak freak freak out...  I wish I could quiet my body up.  It's the emotional teenager, and my brain is the calm collected adult that tries to quell the mass hysteria as much as possible.  I remember the last few PET scans I got.  I couldn't sleep before them either.  Why would today be any different? And do I have to go through this insomnia twice, since I have to wait till Wednesday to get the results?  I'm glad we had the party when we did, so that even if I get not so great news, we at lease got to formally celebrate the end of chapter 1. 

My old pastor, Britt Merrick, has a little girl who has been battling some gnarly cancer for a while.   One of his most recent posts sums up my thoughts exactly.  They were going in to get her next scan.  He wrote "If it shows that she has no more cancer, we will praise the Lord!  If it shows that does still have cancer... we will praise the Lord."

I know I've said this verse before, but I really mean it.  I'm too tired to look up where, but it's in Job when his wife is telling him to "curse God and die" from all the crap he was experiencing.  To which Job replies "Shall we accept good from the Lord, and not evil?  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

It is what it is, and it will be what it will be.  I hope and pray that I am all clear, all healthy, and well on the path to start dancing again!  But if not, then that is OK too.  I have more to learn.  And if anyone knows me at all, they know one thing: I LOVE to learn!

Here's a picture I took tonight of some Tulips that someone gave me.  I'd like to think that it doesn't represent me.  I'll have to think of some other explanation than the obvious.  I welcome other captions and interpretations!!  Bring em on!

Anyway, I call it the defeated tulip.  Poor little guy looked so sad.  I had to photograph him!

Party, and deep thoughts about gender

So, first things first: I told y'all I would update you on when the party was going to be.  Sorry this is a little short notice, but it will be next Sunday from 2-5 at my parents house.  If you don't know where that is, go ahead and comment and I'll email you.  (I figure they don't want me publishing their address for all to see...)

Next... I had a random thought about Biblical gender as seen at the VERY beginning.  Don't ask me the entire process that it took for me to get to this thought.  The inner workings of my mind move very fast and very randomly.  I'll just say it all started with eating berries, and morphed from there.  haha!  So, according to the Bible, both male and female encompass attributes of God.  In fact, you cannot even begin to understand God without taking both of those roles into account.  Men have that protective, pioneering, authoritative, cultivating, warrior aspect.  (This is a very broad generality of course...) Women, have the softer, wise, care taking, nurturing, loving, tender, gentle aspect.  Both of these are aspects of the God that we serve.  He created male and female, because in them is the fullness of God expressed.  That being said, you have to imagine that when he first created Adam, he was already planning on creating Eve.   Otherwise, mankind would only reflect part of Himself.  But He kinda doesn't let Adam in on this little fact.  It occurred to me that God treated man at the very beginning the way men like to be treated now: they need to figure it out on their own.  Adam had to come to the realization that he wasn't complete.  In fact, God let him go through EVERY animal searching for the perfect "helpmate" and let him grovel in the fact that none could be found.  It was then, and only then, that God created Eve.  At that point, Adam was more than ready to receive:)  But it is interesting how God allowed him to go through that entire process of "figuring it out for himself" (ie: not asking for directions) before He came through with His provision (Eve). 

It seems like such a silly thing, but I found it rather amusing.  There really is something built in, something good, about men's propensity to need to figure things out themselves.  Even God himself respected it.  It is wise to seek counsel of course.  The Lord is very clear about that throughout the rest of scripture.  But there really are times to just let them work it out, even if we already know the answer.  Wisdom and grace are shown by knowing which time is which though. 

[Disclaimer: John has no problem asking for directions.  He calls me his "little GPS"]