I'm DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

As of Wednesday, I was unplugged for the LAST time!!!  I am elated.  I am on cloud nine.  I am sore and feel like my body has been poisoned... But I don't care!!!!  I'm done!!  Now begins the slow process of healing from all the chemo.  I am wondering if they picked 12 sessions because it is based on years of research of what the body can really handle at a time.  I know that there are plenty more people out there who are still unsuccessful at shrinking their tumor, and have to go much longer.  But I can't imagine how.

My good friend from high school Diana took me in on Wednesday to get unhooked, and as we left, I had this big goofy smile on my face.  We decided to have a little celebration lunch (which I chose poorly by suggesting Mexican... not good right after chemo...) and when we got to the parking lot, she asks me "How do you feel?"  I said "On cloud 9!"  And then the emotion just started to overwhelm me.  I'm done.  At that point I started to tear up.  And then while we're sitting in the car waiting to go in, I just say "I think I need to have a little cry."  And I just started bawling and sobbing into my hands.  Thank goodness I had another girl with me!  Any guy would have started freaking out I'm sure.  (They're such weeny weirdos when it comes to women crying in front of them.)  It felt good.  It was a good cry, not a bad one.  It was a cry of relief, release, and thankfulness. 

I'm done, but I'm still not whole yet.  I still feel pretty ick like I normally do after chemo.  But I'm going to keep getting better, and I don't get kicked down in another two weeks.

Here's the video from when they celebrate your last "hook up".  I had my phone camera all ready!  I wanted to record it!  And of course they came when I was in the bathroom.  Mom tried to start filming, but pushed some other button and I kept having to tell them "Wait! Go back!" so I could get it.  So, they're are kinda laughing about that.  You'll hear me telling Mom "Don't touch anything!" when I had her the camera, haha!  I love her:)

Here's my Psalm of the day.  My mom gave me the idea to start interposing the word "cancer" whenever I see "enemies" in the Psalms.  I don't see myself as really having "enemies" per say...

Psalm 18:1-3
¹ I love you, LORD, my strength.
 ² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
   my shield^[b] and the horn^[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
 ³ I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
   and I have been saved from my {cancer}.  haha!

Just FYI, Mom and I are planning on doing a "Hurray!  No more chemo!" party in about a month.  So be looking for details:)

And in case you are curious, I'll be having another PET scan in about 4 weeks to make sure I'm still clear and a bone density check, since there is the possibility that I have lost some bone density from being on bedrest for so long.  If I've lost density, it'll just mean that I need to really eeeeeeaaase back into working out and being active because it's essentially like having osteoporosis where I can get get fractures really easily.  I'm hoping it shows up as "not a problem" (the official medical lingo...)  My plan is to get back into shape by taking dance classes.  Can't do that if I'm on the verge of breaking a hip.

Another shout out to all those who have been awesome with keeping me fed!  You are amazing, and I'd probably weigh about 75 pounds without you.  Thank you to Urla who has been taking me for fluids every monday!  And thank you all for your prayer support.  I have felt it so much.  I pray that I would continue to learn the power and importance of service through being a real prayer warrior.  Still working on that:)

Chemo postpones again AAARRRRGG!!

I had high hopes for this one.  I wasn't feeling too "knocked on my butt" lately, and I haven't been bleeding for about a week, so naturally I thought my blood was up and my platelets were fine.  I went in for fluids today, and it turns out that my numbers are worse than they have ever been.  My white blood count is the lowest its ever been (risk of infections), my hemoglobin is about 3 pints low, and my platelets, good heavens!  42!  (normal = 130-500)  This makes me think that the Lord is for SURE watching over  me and my blood.  Every time I've dipped below 60, I've had crazy bleeding sessions (from my nose, from the pin prick where they stick my port).  So, the fact that I haven't been bleeding makes me think that the Lord is supernaturally holding my blood together, because it for SURE shouldn't be!  Thank you daddy:)  And even though my blood (hemoglobin) is low, I haven't felt that whole "pass out weak" feeling.  Of course, maybe I just haven't noticed it because I've been all rolling around sneezing, sniffling, running, crying, scratching my eyeballs out instead.  It's actually made me question if I might actually prefer nausea over these allergies.  (of course I say that NOW...)

I felt really great after getting fluids today.  I got two bags because I figure I'm pretty dehydrated seeing as it's all coming out my nose.  (yummy!  Better than blood though, am I right?!?!)  I think those two bags helped a lot.  Oh!  And I've noticed an improvement in my chemo brain since they took down my dose of oxylaplatin last time!  I had my first intellectual conversation in MONTHS on Sunday!  It was positively thrilling.  (It's the first time my brain has been able to track with more than small talk and banter.)  So that's good too.  With all my extra energy today, I did about 5 loads of laundry.  I'm pretty proud of myself right now.  I feel downright domestic like!

I'm rescheduled to try again on Monday, so please be praying that my blood would get a swift kick in the pants by then.

Doing much better than last round

Well, I am pleased to say that I am doing a lot better than the last round.  I think this is mainly due to them taking my oxaliplatin down 25%.  It's amazing what that little 25% does!  It is the difference between feeling miserable, hopeless, and defeated vs... well, less miserable but hopeful.  I didn't think it was physically or psychologically possible to go through two more of what it was like last time.  But now, even though I'm not looking forward to it, I feel like "Yeah. It's all good.  I can take one more. " One more folks!!!  Can you believe it?!?!?!  Why, it only feels like a million years since I got diagnosed!  This time has just flown by, like a snail on a turtles back (while sitting atop a truck on 635 during rush hour)!  Haha!

As for levels, I'm not sure what they are right now.  My lovely, wonderful, giving, amazing aunt who always takes me in on Mondays had to attend to her own mother going into the hospital this week.  (We're praying for y'all Urla!)  So, I didn't get to have my blood taken.  I think I'm doing OK though.  I'm having some bleeding, but it's not out of control, which tells me that I'm at LEAST in the 60's.  (Usually, in the 50's is where I can't clot).  I've been eating my pineapple faithfully every day.  I am really hoping that I still like pineapple when this is all over and done with.  I already know that I sorta relate belgium waffles and potatoes to cancer.  ( I used to treat myself to belgium waffles right before chemo every other week.  I no longer have ANY craving for them.  And I had to subsist on potatoes for a good month or two around when I first got diagnosed)  So, I hope that my feelings for pineapple will not follow in the way of Pavlovian response.  I am scheduled for my next chemo a week from today.  I will make sure that someone has my video camera app open when the staff comes in singing and bringing me balloons to celebrate the last chemo.  It will be posted and I will have a big goofy grin on my face.  (granted, that will partially be from the adivan... weeeeeee!!!!) 

Thank you for all of you who have brought food, and thank you again to my mom.  If nothing else, I think this whole experience has shown me what it looks like to serve someone else completely and selflessly.  Both she and my husband have gone so far above and beyond what I ever thought possible.  I am truly blessed. 

So, with all that cancer crap out of the way, I can move on to being truly miserable from ALL THE FRIGGIN' POLLEN!!!!  I mean, holy cow!!  Is there anyone else out there who has been a snotty mess all week?  I have just stayed inside, and kept all the doors and windows CLOSED.  I have even doubled up on allergy pills (which I don't think you are technically supposed to do...) and even THEN my eyes have been all red, and my nose tickling and runny.  I can literally see a green dust all over the stuff on our porch.  Here's a gorgeous picture to remind people how beautiful I am, even on my worse days...

Aren't I lovely?  Thank you Texas pollen!!!

Yes, Chemo has commenced

 So, I went in yesterday feeling pretty crummy.  I had dreams all night that I couldn't get chemo because I had a stomach virus.  I was probably just feeling nauseous in my sleep and it translated over to my dreams. As gung ho as I was about wanting to get it done, I actually felt OK if I didn't get it yesterday, just because I felt so ick.  They took my blood and the numbers came back and I was still 5 points below the cutoff for platelets.  However, Dr. Le said that they could do a little compromise and cut one of my drugs (oxylaplatin? I have no idea how to spell that...) down to 75% of the normal dose.  This is the drug that really takes a toll on me and has been the cause of most of the problems associated with the chemo so far.  


John and I were asking the Dr. how necessary these last two sessions were.  Really?  10? 12?  What's the difference.  My body just can't take this anymore.  She said that usually she started taking down the oxylaplatin usually on round 9 (two rounds ago) but she hadn't done it with me because she wanted to be aggressive as possible, and because I'm so young.  I think they just kinda wait for you to cry uncle, and then taper accordingly.  UNCLE!!!  UNCLE!!!  My cries were heard, and I'm going through round 11, looking forward to round 12 being the LAST!!!!  There's a possibility of cutting out the oxylaplatin completely the last round.  That would rock.  That would make a very happy Hillary.  


So, that's the news for now.  I'm hooked up, and feeling icky and sore, but not as bad as when I have the full dose.  The real test will be the next couple of weeks.  That's when I really bore the worst of it last time.  All I can do is wait...  


 "26 it is good to wait quietly 
   for the salvation of the LORD. ²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
   while he is young."... 

31For no one is cast off
   by the Lord forever. ³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
   so great is his unfailing love. ³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction
   or grief to anyone.

Lamentations 3:26-27;31-33

Good and bad news

I know I haven't posted in a while.  But I have a good reason!  I really don't like to post unless I can say something positive.  And honestly, these last few weeks I couldn't.  When does posting about feeling like crap go from "informative" to just making people wallow with you in your misery?  There really is no point.  So, the good news, is that I'm feeling OK for the first time in WEEKS!  I guess the other good news, if you choose to look at it this way, is that God believes in me and thinks I'm WAY stronger than I do.  They say God won't give you more than you can handle, and I do not feel like I can handle anymore.  Yet, here I am!  So... I guess thank you God for thinking so... highly of me?  haha!

So, the bad news is that my numbers aren't up.  I was going to try and switch my chemo to today (monday) because I feel like this last round was so bad that I just want to get it friggin' OVER with.  I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and squash me and I'm like "Just SQUASH me already!"  This waiting for it is insanity inducing.  As it is, I couldn't have done it today even if they could have fitted me in.  My hemoglobin has only gone up by like .1 or .2.  This is even after they gave me the "miracle" shot that last time made my blood jump 2 pints in a day and a half.  This one has had a week and it's only gone up by the aforementioned (miniscule) amount.  I've had a lot of abdominal pain these last few weeks and there is a large part of me that feels strongly that I'm bleeding somewhere.  It may be a slow bleed, maybe not even enough to show up in the stool.  But all I know is that I've been hurting, and my blood is not replenishing, so do the math...  Of course, that is mere speculation at this point.  Even though my blood level is low, it is still "technically" high enough to get the chemo.  It's my platelets (those durn' platelets!!!) that are still low.  We knew for a fact last week that they were low because I couldn't stop bleeding from the little pin prick I got getting fluids.  Usually it's just a tiny spot of blood.  Last Wednesday, it soaked through 4 layers of gauze AND my sweater!  Not a good sign... At least today, it was still only a pinprick of blood.  However, the platelets are still at 62 (norm = 140-400).  The very minimum I need is 80.  This is the exact same thing that made us have to postpone last time.  I do NOT want to postpone again!!  Getter' dun!!!  That's what I want.  John and I are going to have a serious talk with Dr. Le about how "necessary" these last two sessions really are, because I feel like my body can't take anymore.  We'll see how that conversation goes... We'll be in to see her on Wednesday and hopefully get chemo.  I'll keep you updated on if that actually happens or not.

As for blood though, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.  BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!"  Haha!  (Just a little hospital humor for you there folks.)

Not the greatest week...

I still can't write much because I'm on my phone. Despite having a totally amazing time hanging mith my mom last week, I've been having a really tough time. I got a weird infection, and all my energy is gone. Absolutely gone. The bloody noses have started again, but not anywhere near as severe as last time. Blood counts show both hemoglobin anemia and crazy low platelets (hence the bloody noses). Please pray for my blood counts, no more bloody noses, no more infections (this is my 4th since the new year), at least a little energy, and the endurance to make it through my last few chemos. I honestly don't know how I can do it two more times. Fyi, if you don't hear from me for a while, that's usually a sign that I'm not doing super great. But in the midst of it all, praise be to my god who has promised to keep me till the day of Christ Jesus. I for sure don't feel like praising right now. Thank you Lord that I still can though. Let everything that has breath... That means me:)

A special shout out to Tran and Paul for bringing food this week. You guys rock.

I have so many thoughts that I wish I could write... Another time I guess...

Yay! Chemo's a go!

Yay! Platelets doubled!!' I'm at 117! In Chemo now. Hoping to have my numbers up again to have Chemo next week and then I'll be back on schedule. Dr Le predicts it as very unlikely that my numbers will be recovered by then, but I still have hope. Cant type much on my phone, but that's the update.