Good and bad news

I know I haven't posted in a while.  But I have a good reason!  I really don't like to post unless I can say something positive.  And honestly, these last few weeks I couldn't.  When does posting about feeling like crap go from "informative" to just making people wallow with you in your misery?  There really is no point.  So, the good news, is that I'm feeling OK for the first time in WEEKS!  I guess the other good news, if you choose to look at it this way, is that God believes in me and thinks I'm WAY stronger than I do.  They say God won't give you more than you can handle, and I do not feel like I can handle anymore.  Yet, here I am!  So... I guess thank you God for thinking so... highly of me?  haha!

So, the bad news is that my numbers aren't up.  I was going to try and switch my chemo to today (monday) because I feel like this last round was so bad that I just want to get it friggin' OVER with.  I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and squash me and I'm like "Just SQUASH me already!"  This waiting for it is insanity inducing.  As it is, I couldn't have done it today even if they could have fitted me in.  My hemoglobin has only gone up by like .1 or .2.  This is even after they gave me the "miracle" shot that last time made my blood jump 2 pints in a day and a half.  This one has had a week and it's only gone up by the aforementioned (miniscule) amount.  I've had a lot of abdominal pain these last few weeks and there is a large part of me that feels strongly that I'm bleeding somewhere.  It may be a slow bleed, maybe not even enough to show up in the stool.  But all I know is that I've been hurting, and my blood is not replenishing, so do the math...  Of course, that is mere speculation at this point.  Even though my blood level is low, it is still "technically" high enough to get the chemo.  It's my platelets (those durn' platelets!!!) that are still low.  We knew for a fact last week that they were low because I couldn't stop bleeding from the little pin prick I got getting fluids.  Usually it's just a tiny spot of blood.  Last Wednesday, it soaked through 4 layers of gauze AND my sweater!  Not a good sign... At least today, it was still only a pinprick of blood.  However, the platelets are still at 62 (norm = 140-400).  The very minimum I need is 80.  This is the exact same thing that made us have to postpone last time.  I do NOT want to postpone again!!  Getter' dun!!!  That's what I want.  John and I are going to have a serious talk with Dr. Le about how "necessary" these last two sessions really are, because I feel like my body can't take anymore.  We'll see how that conversation goes... We'll be in to see her on Wednesday and hopefully get chemo.  I'll keep you updated on if that actually happens or not.

As for blood though, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.  BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!"  Haha!  (Just a little hospital humor for you there folks.)