Weakness, to the praise of His glory.

So, this blog was originally meant to keep people updated on what was going on with my cancer.  I was supposed to come out of it better. Stronger. Hillary 2.0. Unfortunately, this is not what has happened. They always say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've always thought that was a load of crap. What doesn't kill you can make you decidedly weaker. But this post isn't just about weakness.

There is a lot of weakness though. One of the best parts about cancer (how often have you heard THAT...) was that it had a name. People know what cancer is. They are familiar with what it does. It's a physical entity. You can see it on a machine. You can empirically measure it. It was like people finally understood: Hillary is sick. What many people, outside my close friends and family, is that I have always been sick. I started out sick. I pushed through life and did my best, but somehow everything always came back to the hospital in one way or another. Chronic kidney disease. Few people really understand that one, or what it can do to you. I've watched myself slowly become less of the person I wanted to be. I watched career options slip away, because I was not physically able to handle the demands. And during cancer, I watched the whole world carry on, while I sat behind my computer and communicated the only way I knew how. And now, 3 years out, I find myself going backwards again. And it sucks. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always on the brink of really getting sick. Because when I get sick, I stay sick for a good month, and then it's like I'm on probation for another couple. I have to say no to going out. I can't fully explain to people why 3 days of work a week is really difficult. I have no name that I can use that will help people understand that I'm not as healthy as I look. It's really frustrating.

I've begun feeling sorry for myself again. I've been praying and calling out to God, asking Him for the healing that I know Jehovah Rapha can bring. I asked my small group to pray for me last week as I just sat in the middle with everyone's hands on me, crying. Afterwards, I got into a conversation with a good friend and my small group leader. I kept lamenting how frustrated I was. I couldn't understand why God was allowing my body to wither like it is. I kept speculating this way and that way as to the why of the matter. Do I have too much pride? Is He trying to humble me? Maybe God has some amazing ministry for me one day and He's hamstringing me until then so that I will know that it is indeed He that is doing the good work. I was honest about how frustrated I was because there was so much I wanted to "do" for Him. But she stopped me there and asked me "What if all He wants you to do is to be for the praise of His glory?" That has kept me thinking all week.

Just be for the praise of His glory? What does that look like? My home group leader does pottery. She explained how some pieces she creates for no particular purpose other than they are beautiful and asked me if I was willing to possibly accept myself as that. She rightfully pointed out how much like Martha I have become, constantly trying to do instead of just BE. So while I would love to be useful, maybe I'm that little sheep who's legs need to be broken so that the shepherd can just carry it around. All I have is speculation. Speculation as to why I have to live like this. But it is a lesson that I am trying to learn. Am I content to just be for the praise of His glory? If I am homebound and I am unable to minister to a single person, am I content to be beautiful before my God and bring him glory, even if it's just the two of us? (Three actually. John gets to see me in all my awesomeness.) I want the answer to be a resounding yes, but I'll be honest... My heart says no. And that tells me that my heart has forgotten it's purpose.

Is that the lesson I am supposed to be learning? Who knows. There could be a hundred reasons. Or, my body is just a product of a fallen world. But even if it is, I know that God has not forgotten me, and He promises to work ALL things for good. But in the meantime, if y'all could pray for me, that would be awesome. As always, when I whine, I must end with what I know to be true: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. 

Song

It might be kinda cheesy, but this is just the song that I feel like the Lord has given to me lately. Or at least it's the one that has spoken to me. Either way, I thought I'd share it.

Old journals

We moved to an awesome townhome a few weeks ago. So excited! Since it is about 350-400 square feet bigger, we brought all our stuff over from storage to sort through what to keep, what to get rid of, and then what to re-put in storage. Through this process, I found a whole load of my old journals. When I was around 11 or 12, I learned that I I had trouble praying and either 1) holding my train of thought, or 2) staying awake. So I began to write down my prayers, because it helped me stay alert. I've done it ever since. I've gotten really bad at doing it since I've been married, because all the stuff I used to pour out in the journal, I discuss with John. I've tried to get back to writing. Especially after seeing the stuff I was writing. It was so beautiful how simple and child-like the stuff was when I was younger. (Because I was, duh, a child) But there is something beautiful about a child's words, before they know how to censor and try to sound all spiritual.

Another thing I stumbled upon was a journal of a few of the songs I tried to write during my brief attempt at songwriting. Even though I am not very good at it, I really liked the words. They are very quintessential teen angst:) I'll share them here. I want to put them down somewhere before I stuff this journal back in storage.

Dance in the Storm
I feel as the rain pounds on me
Splashing me back to your throne
I step back and trip on the Bible
As if that were my stumbling stone

My bittersweet tears taste salty
Streaming up from the blackest of hearts
On the outside I look put together
On the inside I'm tearing apart

Where do I go from here? I'm blinded by the rain
But I know I can no longer endure this pain.

So I'll dance in the storm
God you are the tempest
I breath in your love, I breath in your love
I'll dance in the storm
God you're in the fury
I give you control
God please... purify me

I feel as the raindrops grasp me
Your fingers of love reaching down
Trying to heal my spirit
If only I'd just turn around

From trying to do it my way
Standing in this hole I thought was a stage
The higher I thought I was getting
The lower I sunk in the grave

Where do I go from here?
I'm broken by the rain
God I know you can
Cast off my shackles and chains

So I'll dance in the storm
God you are the tempest
I breath in your love, I breath in your love
I'll dance in the storm
God you're in the fury
I give you control
God please... purify me

The water penetrates my mind
Flushing out the tangled debris
of the sin clouding my mind and my judgement
blessed water has set me free

Now I know right here
This was all a gift from you
So I'll show the world
By what I do

I will dance in the storm
God you are the tempest
I breath in your love, I breath in your love
I'll dance in the storm
God you're in the fury
I give you control
God please... purify me

It's been a whiiiiiiiiile....

Hello again! It's been quite a while since I wrote last. Mainly because I didn't know what else to say. Things are going fine. I'm progressing. There's been no new sightings. I feel boring:) But my mom tells me on a regular basis that people ask about me, and why I haven't posted. I have another friend of mine that went through a really horrific ordeal a year or two ago and I still go to her blog sometimes, hoping for a new entry, because I really enjoyed hearing what the Lord was doing in her life. So, maybe it's the same here. I still write. Lots. I just don't post. So, maybe I'll start posting, for those of you who have been asking. It probably won't be about my health all the time, but it will be about what God is doing and what He is showing me. And honestly, it is nice posting it, because it makes me more accountable to what He is teaching me. When I put my thoughts out there for anyone to read, I have to really think through them. I have to consciously decide "what is true, and what is lies". (And by lies, I mean things like I am worthless, or things will never get better, or God doesn't care).  Those are lies, and they are lies that we are all tempted to believe from time to time. And apparently I am waaaaaaay more apt to spread the lies to just myself than I am to spread it to everyone else out there. So writing here is a good way to affirm what I know to be true, because I am not just writing for myself anymore.

Things are up and down physically. They were up for a long time this summer, and it feels like they are starting to go down again. It might be because John and I are moving into a new place right now, but my energy has been crashing like crazy. I'll sleep for 10 hours and wake up feeling exhausted, and I'll have to lay there and pray for the Lord to get me up, because I know that if I stay there in bed, I'll sleep all afternoon and then I won't be able to go to sleep that night and get on what my boss calls "Dracula schedule". John is such a trooper, because he is so aware of my limitations and never holds them against me. He is so much kinder to me than I am to myself.

I start school next week. (Well, inservices next week, and school the week after). I'll be doing about 3 days a week again, and even that I'm starting to get nervous about. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get in the groove. I think the whole world looks scary to me on days that I don't have energy (like today) because I don't feel like I am cabable of conquering even small tasks. On the days that I feel good, I have so many plans, and projects, and ideas, and thoughts all bubbling forth because I guess I project having that much energy in the future to do them. Apparently, whatever state I'm in, my brain assumes will last, and projects accordingly, whether that be good or bad.

John and I were in a tough spot this summer. Things were up in the air with whether or not another school was looking at him. Our lease was up, and they were going to raising the rent ANOTHER 50 bucks! They do that every year. We were paying too much for waaaaay too little space. But I didn't feel like we had the freedom to go find a place yet. So, we moved in with an awesome friend who had a 2 bedroom condo. During that time, we had our car broken into (twice), about 2 and a half weeks of this summer without air conditioning. Car trouble, a bogus ticket, and a huge swarm of flies that invaded the place. Thank God for my parents house... But we have now just moved into a charming little townhome. We are paying approximately 50 dollars or so more than we would have been paying at our old place, and we are getting almost 400 more square feet. Ummmmm.... That's a step in the right direction I'd say! So, we have spent the last couple of weeks trying to get everything in order before  school starts. We have almost made it! The place isn't perfectly polished and decorated yet, but it feels like home, and there's not piles of boxes everywhere. I DID get super creative and create a wall of books with curtains for super cheap. I'm pretty proud of my handiwork:) I can't figure out how to upload the picture from my iPad, but I'll post it eventually. Haha!

Goodbye my brain

So things have been going pretty good for a while.  I'm getting stronger and stronger.  I am actually doing some running on the treadmill!  I haven't been able to do that since 2006 because of both my achilles and then the cancer.  I have my up days with energy, and my down days where I feel like I got hit by a mac truck and can barely get out of bed.  But it is improving.

What is not improving is my brain power.  When I was IN the chemo, I had the fog, the chemo brain, the chemo stupids.  I couldn't understand anything. It lifted pretty quickly after my last infusion.  But it feels like it stole something from me, and that hole is getting bigger and bigger.  My memory is getting worse and worse, and it doesn't feel like "getting older" kind of memory stuff.  I used to be able to retain information so much better.  I could teach myself things, store it away and be able to retrieve it later.  But I feel like I can barely keep up with my classes that I'm teaching because I can't remember what I'm supposed to do from one day to the next.  I can't remember the stuff I've already done, and I can't remember the stuff that I plan the night before to do.  I'm taking notes on anything and everything so that I can go back and remind myself.  But even that doesn't seem to be enough lately.  And it is starting to show at work.  I can't even remember some of the stuff that I was meaning to write down.  I'm working through the Chemistry, and it is so taxing.  My attention span is about a quarter of what it used to be.  I get saturated with information and have to take a million breaks.  I feel like the cancer is having it's last laugh.  It got the last word.  It is taken the only thing I've ever really had to rely on.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to rely on my brains forever, but I thought I could rely on them a little longer than this.  I learned that I couldn't  rely on super hard work and long hours when doing so put me in the hospital every semester in college because my body would give out.  I finally had to give up photography because I couldn't walk.  I had to give up editing because my hands are too painful.  Good luck with doing anything athletic.  But through it all, I was smart.  And I don't feel smart anymore.  Slowly that is being taken too.  I feel like my functionality as a person, my ability to take care of myself (were something to ever happen to John), and my usefulness in society in general are dwindling down, and I'm not sure where else to go from here.  I'm probably over exaggerating from having a hard day.  Maybe I'm not.  Maybe I am just being prophetic of the trajectory that I am on.  I feel like soon all that will be left will be my love for people and the ability to give good advice.  But even those I know are things that can be taken away.  (Well, the good advice part...) Being able to love people isn't worthless in this world.  But nobody will ever pay me to do it at the same time.  There are always other responsibilities that would go along with that, and I am feeling less and less competent.  I'm not quite sure what I'll do with myself.  All I'll be is another burden for someone to take care of.  But I'll sure as heck be a good friend while they are doing it.

I keep thinking about that verse that says "what right does the clay have to say to the potter 'why did you make me this way?'".  So far, in my limited experience, a removal of a skill or functionality has been for the purpose of steering me towards something else.  I thought that something else was teaching.  Now what?  I'm not completely horrid at it, but at the same time, I feel like I'll be that teacher that kids talk about secretly; the teacher that was sorta incompetent.  I remember talking about those teachers when I was in high school.  Apparently I didn't think about how they were real people too, just like my kids won't.

It's better to be pleasantly surprised than to be blindsided so I am preparing myself for this to continue to get worse. It's not going to be easy for me though. I'm sure it's not as bad as I feel like it is.  Maybe I'm just emotional. But that's how I've been feeling lately nonetheless.

UPDATE:  I wrote this about 15 minutes ago.  I just walked into my kitchen to find that the stove had been on for the last 2 hours.  Sigh...  Case. In. Point. At least I don't have a baby to accidentally leave on top of the car while I drive away thinking about how I just know that I've forgotten something...

ALL CLEAR!!

I just realized that I hadn't updated about the RESULTS of all the tests the last few weeks.  (Sorta the most important part!!)  I am all clear!  The thing they removed from my stomach was benign, the place where they removed stuff before showed no new growth, the PET scan was all clear, and my kidney function actually improvement by .1!  (Not a lot, but I'll take it!)  Praise God!

And last night as I was getting ready for bed and brushing my hair, I thanked God for allowing me to keep it.  I could be fighting with awkward grow out hair, and I'm not.  Thank you Lord for the little things :)

Upcoming tests

Well, it's been almost 3 months since that last endoscopy where they found the "almost cancerous" spot in my lower duodenum.  Friday I have my next endoscopy scheduled to see if anything has progressed.  I feel confident that if they find anything, it'll be quick enough to nip in the bud.  I haven't asked the doctor what the course of action would be if they DID find something that had blossomed into full blown cancer again.  I don't know if they'll just remove it and that's that, or if I'll have to go do chemo again.  Hopefully it's just a removal...  The next Monday is my PET scan, so I have 2 big tests in the next week or so.  I don't get to have my appointment with Dr. Le to discuss the results.  Seeing as that is the week of Thanksgiving, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  On one hand, if it's bad news I won't know for Thanksgiving.  On the other hand, if it's good news... I won't know for Thanksgiving.  It's sorta a double edged sword. 

As an update to my last prayer requests, I was able to go to A&M with John, but I wasn't able to go out for Halloween:(  Sniff... Sniff... (I pouted in my room for about an hour, and then gave up and came out for dinner and a DVD with John.) It's a good thing that I didn't go out though because I ended up having a relapse of the bronchitis and still haven't been able to shake it.  (Who knows how much worse it could have been if I went out!) I guess that's all part of the gig for now; when I get sick, I get sick for like a month.  It again makes me so grateful that I only work 2 days a week!!!  So thankful.  Work is going wonderfully.  I thank my God in heaven for that job.  For a while, I had been planning on using dance to get back in shape, and I've finally come to the conclusion that that just isn't going to happen.  At least not for a while.  I'm stronger than I was, but not as strong as I want to be.  Normally I try to end on a good note, and say the things that are going well, and the things that I am really thankful for.  In all honesty, I'm not really feeling it right now.  I'm sick of being sick.  I'm sick of being "the sick girl".  It's pretty old.  But you know what?  Living the Christian life, choosing to be thankful, none of it depends on  how you are "feeling" that day.  So despite my lack of feelings, I will choose to be thankful today.  I am thankful for a husband who loves me "like Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her". I am thankful for my parents and the rest of my family who are so supportive.  I am thankful for work that I love, students that I love, coworkers who are supportive of each other, and a gracious administration.  I am thankful for a cuddly cat, and a bunny who likes to leap in the air.  And sucky as they are, I choose to thank God for the hardships: for the sickness, for the tiredness.  Why?  Because we are called to rejoice in all things, and I am choosing to trust that He is doing it for a reason.  Why?  Because I have blind faith and I'm a mindless drone?  No.  Because I have seen too many times when He has taken a sucky situation and created awesome things from it.  I trust because He has PROVEN Himself trustworthy.  It is a trust based on evidence of His faithfulness.  (And in case you are wondering, yes.  I am preaching this to myself right now.  I really needed a reminder for what I know to be true today.  I think sometimes this blog gives me the forum by which to remind myself.)