Hillary's Husband has snuck into her account!

[From John to Hillary]
To my Tufted Puffin,

Happy Valentines Day My Darling. I know this bout of sickness (not to mention the cure) have dealt you a punishing blow, and it has been hard to be so helpless in seeing what you endure and yet I can't fix any of it. I can't make the cancer go away, or make the chemo any easier. Yet you have inspired and encouraged me in how you've dealt with it. You are an amazing woman and I fall in love with you more and more each day. Happy Valentines day. I adore you, enjoy you, and just plain love you.

Sincerely, your polar bear.

A little more energy

Even though chemo was canceled, I ended up staying at my parents anyways.  I was so weak, and then with the whole crutches thing on top of it, I really didn't want to be alone.  I found that when I went there, I perked up a whole lot.  The first day or two I slept most of the day, but then Thursday and Friday, I was actually up and interacting!  Part of me wonders if some of my weakness was just from being alone most of the day, everyday, for like 2 weeks.  I am an extrovert.  Having other people around energizes me.  John came up and got me last night since he's home on the weekends.  I am walking much better now.  I still have the boot on, but at least I don't need to use the crutches anymore.  That is just a pain.

I woke up this morning at around 6, which is really unusual for me.  I tried to just sleep through anyways, but then Petunia had one of her little "bunny nightmares" that she has occasionally.  She thumps REALLY loud.  It sounds like a gunshot.  It's a bunny strategy to warn other bunnies of danger, and John and I finally figured out that she does this when she has had a bad dream.  Like all kids, she just needs me to go sit with her for a second, remind her that she's a safe bunny and that mommy's here, and then she goes right back to sleep.  If you don't, she'll keep thumping.  So, needless to say that cemented the "awakeness" on my part.  So, I'm sitting here with Lula in my lap trying to get sleepy again.

I think I might have a really good weekend!  I feel better than I have in a while (which probably means my blood is up!)  I always overdo it though when I feel better, and I always overdo it on SATURDAY and then wake up knowing that I don't feel well enough to go to church.  NOT this time!  I will bide my time and stay chill today, and finally get to go to church again!  I feel so out of the loop.

And another shout out to my love Laura!  I got a pink package in the mail from Victoria's Secret with a card that said "For doing nothing "in style" - Laura".  Inside was a set of leopard print pajamas with pink around the edges, another pink dress style pajama, and a grey robe/sweater thing.  Oh!  And matching leopard slippers:)  I'm sure John will be glad to see me out of ratty t-shirts and my sweatpants for a change.  Do I have the greatest friends or what? 

Low blood, no chemo, yay crutches...

Well, it's been an interesting week.  It was nice having John home so much.  4 snow days in a row!! Crazy!  I was having some pretty serious trouble with nose bleeds.  (is that one word?  Nosebleed?)  I've never really had them before, but I just couldn't get it to stop!  I called my doctor, but I don't think she really understood how much blood I was talking about.  Needless to say, I was feeling pretty weak.  I really wanted to get my blood levels checked to see how much I had lost, but I couldn't really get around in the snow and ice (especially not all the way over to Plano).  So, I just waited till today when I was going in to get fluids.  As expected, it was low.  Apparently I lost like 2-3 pints!  Crazy!  (still not as low as when I had the big fat tumor though!) I was expecting maybe a pint, pint and a half.  My platelets were also around half of what they should be.  (The nurse said she'd seen much lower, so that's good.  Well, I guess not good for that person, but good that I'm not horrifically low.) Dr Lee said that was probably why clotting was a problem, since platelets are involved in the body's clotting response, and that's why I couldn't get it to stop.  So, I guess with the numbers so low, at least I don't feel like I am just a wimp for being so tired!!  I showed the nurse some of my lovely pictures of how much blood I was losing.  I felt very reassured to hear that she had seen similar before.  As long as somebody tells me that it's normal, I'm happy.  So, anyways there is a certain level of blood and blood platelets that you have to have in order to be consider "healthy" enough to do chemo, and unfortunately I don't make the cut this week:(  I'll have to wait till next week which doesn't thrill me because that means that chemo will trickle over into beginning of April.  It really is amazing though that it's taken me this long to get to that point!  I know of lots of people who have had this problem way earlier on in their treatments, so I still consider myself lucky. 

Oh!  Ha!!  And the really funny thing is that I woke up this morning with my achilles all swollen, so I'm back on the crutches again.  I'm such a pathetic mess!!  Poor John... as if he didn't have enough to help me with:)  It's been about a year since my last crutches time, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that gap!  About a year ago, I was on them every 2 months like clockwork for an entire year.  I thought that I had beaten the mighty achilles, but alas...  I consider it to be proof that my body is getting old, when you start having old injuries flare up with weather changes.  A year ago, I was pretty proud that I could actually predict when they (weather changes) were coming!  Haha! I became staunchly aware of how much upper body strength I have lost since I stopped working out.  Maybe this'll help?

Some really awesome news is that I have had a much easier time praying and reading lately.  That has made a world of difference!  Thank you for all of you who have been fighting my spiritual battles with/for me though prayer.  It really makes a difference.  It is amazing to see how God works whenever I post something on here.  Here's a verse that really spoke to me this week:

 ¹⁹For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. ²⁰And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. ²¹And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:19-21)

 Amen!!

My friend Jenise also went to the library and checked me out the first Harry Potter book!  It's right about the level I can handle right now.  I still have to nap a little every couple of chapters, but it's nice to have something besides the spider solitaire on my phone to occupy my mind.  So, I guess that's the update for today!

If I were to ask for prayer, it would be that God would continue to transform me from the inside out and teach me more about who He is.  Pray that my blood numbers would get up.  Pray that I would exercise more self control with complaining.  (I'm starting to get a bit whiny around John ever since I started going downhill.  It drains him because he says it makes him feel so powerless.) Please pray for my poor John.  I am starting to see all this taking a toll on him and he is SUCH an amazing servant of a husband.  He never complains about all the meals in bed, or times when I can't do stuff for myself.  AND he's doing all of this while working 2 jobs and studying for his PhD comprehensive exams.  He is such a mighty man.  I am in awe.  But he could really use some encouragement and energy.  I think I might try out a cancer support group tomorrow night.  It is kinda cool because they have 2 groups always meeting at the same time: one for the cancer patients, and one for the friends and family of the cancer patients.  I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot.  It would be nice to meet other people to bounce "Is this normal?  Is that normal?  Have you had this?" kinds of questions off of.  That's all for now!  As always, thank you so much for all your support and prayer. 

Feeling down.

There is something we learned about in my psychology classes back in college.  It's called "learned helplessness".  It is what keeps girls with their abusers, and sometimes kidnap victims with their kidnappers.  It is when you "learn" that you are powerless against something, and so the only power I guess you feel like you have at that point is to "choose" the thing you are powerless against.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming that girl.  My captor is called "doing nothing" and I'm getting really, really good at it.  Probably too good.

I came to the horrifying realization the other day that there are certain mental things that I can't do right now, even if I try.  I'm not talking about being a rocket scientist.  I was just trying to work on some Physics for my math/physics teacher certification.  I started trying to work on it, and it was like the huge overload, and I had barely gotten started!  I've tried to read some of the science books that I've been looking forward to having time to read, and it is like this huge information vomit that I can't see through.  This is the kind of thing that I normally enjoy.  And I can't right now.  It is too overwhelming.  (Do you remember that "Twilight Zone" episode where there was the man that just wanted to read, that's all he ever wanted, and he was in some basement during the apocalypse, and when he came out, he was finally all alone and the only building that survived was the library?  He's elated feeling like he has gone to heaven.  And then he accidentally drops his glasses and steps on them so he can't see, and you leave the episode with him crying "noooooo!!!!!".  That's about right.  I've got all this time to do all these things that I've been wanting time to do, and now that I have the time, I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do them.) I started crying and asked John if he would still love me as much if I couldn't think very well anymore.  Of course he would.  I know that.  But I would feel left out of his world, that's for sure.  I'm already feeling left out. I keep reassuring myself that this "chemo brain" (that's what Dr. Le calls it) is temporary and I'll be me again in no time.  But how long?  A few weeks after chemo is finished?  A month?  A few months?!?!

There's something wrong with my blood clotting response right now.  I need to talk to Dr. Le about it because it's becoming a bit worrisome.  I've had a pretty constant bloody nose now for a few days.  John and I were up till after 3:30 the other night trying to get it to stop.  I woke up in a little puddle of blood today.  It is congealing, but not really clotting.  I won't gross you out with more details than that. There is something about getting used to bleeding that is in itself depressing.  Of course you have that lady in the Bible who bled for like 30 years, so I should really get over it. 

I guess I am just sorta depressed because I don't feel like myself anymore.  And I wonder, when I get the chance to go back being "myself", will I be someone different by then?  Someone less?

My friend Jenise recommended that I try some reading that was less brainy.  Not a bad idea.  Maybe it's time to read the Harry Potter books.  Lord knows I'd never do it if I didn't do it now.  If I can't handle those, then there REALLY isn't any hope for me:)

Another tough round, but I'm tougher (at least that's what I keep telling myself!)

Wow.  Well... they're getting tougher.  Lucky for me, tougher doesn't mean nausea though.  More like I just got hit with a dump truck.  A big one:)  I feel so thankful for my mom, who just lets me sleep, wakes me up to eat and drink, and then lets me go back to sleep.  Usually, it has been an up and down, but I've still managed to maybe run a few errands with mom.  Maybe go out for lunch, play some scrabble.  This round,  I was pretty much unconscious till Friday. I perked up a little on Saturday, but was running a temp of about 100.

Sunday was so awesome.  I still couldn't do much and stayed in bed, but I have the most awesome friends who will come to me when I can't get out.  My friend Katy came and layed in bed with me and watched Disney's "Oceans" (definitely not as good as their previous "Earth" movie).  Then, Jenise (who leads worship at church) came over and did a little private worship session with/for me (since I couldn't make it to church).  It was so amazing.  I love to hear her sing and play the guitar, and I hope I didn't ruin it too much when I sang with her.  :)

Today, I went to get fluids like I do every Monday.  I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but my Aunt Urla has been taking me to the hospital every single Monday to get fluids.  I feel so lucky and so blessed, and I really feel like I'll look back on our time with fondness because when will I ever get to spend so much time with her, just the two of us again?  Never, that's when!  God just brings family and friends when you most need them, and turns it into this amazing time of blessing. 

God has been really working on my heart in the areas of contentment.  I love our little apartment.  It is great.  It is small.  Really small.  But that hasn't bothered me at all... until I've had to be in it all day every day.  Then it feels REALLY small.  And really cluttered.  So, I've been "fantasizing" about maybe moving into a larger place, maybe renting a little house nearby.  But the thing is, it will of course will cost a little bit more.  I can't remember if I've shared this yet (another side effect of chemo.  I'm turning into that weird aunt who tells you the same story over and over...), but I've got a little miracle that is happening on a daily/monthly basis.  I will scream it from the rooftops because God is so good, and that is how much He is providing for us financially.  I liken it to the story in I Kings 17, where Elijah has been in the wilderness and there was like 3 years with no rain, and he comes upon a widow and asks her to make him some bread, and she tells him that she has enough for pretty much one loaf.  So, he tells her to make him one anyway.  Well, here's the relevant passage:

¹⁴ For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’”  ¹⁵ She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. ¹⁶ For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.

So, I don't liken myself to Elijah.  And I'm not a widow (thank you Lord Jesus!!!).  But I'll tell you something: our financial situation does NOT make sense.  John and I have made a very pointed decision not to look too closely into the numbers, because we KNOW that they will not add up.  We aren't spending frivolously, but we aren't living off of ramen noodles either.  In some magical way, we have kept our previous lifestyle (for the most part), and are doing it off of half the income.  Less than half even!!  AND we are still putting a little into savings every month!!  My friends, this is an act of God.  There really is no other explanation.  And every time I think about it, I have to bow to my God in recognition that I really am not worthy of such a gift, but that I recognize it, thank Him, and very willingly accept it. 

So, here is where the whole "contentment" thing comes in.  WHO THE HECK DO I THINK I AM?!!  I am receiving this amazing bounty from the Lord, providing for all our needs (AND even a few date nights!), and here I am fantasizing and wanting more?!?  A bigger place?!?!  We shouldn't be able to afford what we have now based on the fact that I'm not working.  How dare I!!  It's one of those things where I'm catching myself, and then I fall on my knees in shame because if I were God, I'd be all "Well fine!!  What I'm doing isn't good enough for ya, then I'll just let you see what it's like without it!".  He'll just take his ball and go home!  But luckily, we serve a merciful God who is kind to ungrateful children such as we.  And so every time I am tempted to look on craigslist "just to see what's out there", I stop myself, ask the Lord to forgive me for taking his provision for granted, and then thank Him for what He has provided. I won't say it isn't a struggle.  But honestly, if you aren't "struggling" with anything, then it probably means you've given in to everything.  So I sit in our little apartment, and revel in how peaceful it is. 

Getting vulnerable: SUPER long. Read at your own risk...

I have been struggling for a while with how much to share on this blog.  I have a friend who also has cancer, and her blog was the one that gave me the idea to have this blog.  But her cancer seems to be much more "eventful".  She has weekly updates that include new treatments, how this one is working, how that one is working, etc.  My cancer seems to be pretty uneventful so far.  I am just plugging away day after day at the same chemo, and it seems to be working fine.  Not much to report.  The real reports are probably what is going on in my head and in my heart. 

I think about the title I gave to this blog: Hillary 2.0.  The title is all about who God is shaping me to become, not just how I'm feeling on this day or that.  It really scares me to think of sharing real thoughts, real struggles, because I'm afraid of being judged, or of saying something that reflects negatively on who God is, or of completely turning somebody off.  But really, God is reminding me today that part of the purpose of this whole cancer dealy-bopper thing, is to share with others the process of what God is doing in me.  Sometimes it's beautiful.  Sometimes it's not.  But like it or not, I feel like God is wanting me to just share what is going on.  Being naked is scary.  But here goes...

I am a little disappointed in what little change I see going on in me.  Yeah sure, there are some things.  Probably one of the best changes is that I've mellowed out a LOT.  To describe me as intense before, well... At least I've gotten better since high school.  But I am my mother's daughter.  We have a hard time just relaxing. We get our panties in a wad verrrrry easily.  (Just ask my dad...)   My mentor from my first year of teaching, one of my favorite people because she is everything I'm not (I love you Jan!) used to put in my evaluations that I needed to learn to "roll with the punches".  I am happy to report that I am rolling much better! So, I guess that is one of the good changes that I see.  The thing that I was really hoping to see going on was for me to become so much more dilligent in prayer and reading the word.  I mean, I've got ALLLL this time on my hands!!  You'd think that suddenly reading and prayer would be so much easier.  But it's not.  I don't know why I don't love it more.  It's not like it doesn't enter my mind.  It does.  There is just this THING that immediately draws away, and just wants to go watch a movie, or TV, or play cards or ANYTHING else.  For someone who claims to love the Lord, you would think that it would be more exciting.  But it isn't.  What is wrong with me?!?!  I really don't know.  I feel really lame. 

So far today, since I've woken up, I've only done a few things, and most of it (I am pleased to report) involves prayer, and just getting on my face before the Lord.  (Why is this so hard for me to write?  Why am I so afraid to put my relationship with God out there for everyone to see?)  Anyway, God has revealed some really beautiful longings of my heart (namely, I really really really want to be a foster parent, even though I am terrified at the same time).  But he has revealed a really ugly part of my heart too; one that I am ashamed to admit.  Here is my ugliness.  Here is what I wrote in my journal:

"God, at the heart of it all, I feel like my problem is that I don't feel like prayer really does anything.  Lord, if there is nothing else that you are trying to show me, it's that prayer does things.  I don't understand it."

I don't.  I don't understand it.  But I can't deny it either.  I can't deny how much I have felt the prayers of all of you.  I can't deny how ridiculously easy some of this journey has felt.  And I know it has been because of all the prayer warriors out there lifting me up.  I said a really funny prayer this last chemo treatment.  I was praying the night before, again lifting up to God "Why aren't I getting more spiritual from all of this" (or at least that was the gist of it).  I thought about how my main thing has been "I'm not nauseous, so I'm good.  No matter what happens, as long as there is no nausea, I am happy with whatever state I'm in!"  So I thought, maybe I am holding back.  I know that suffering is supposed to bring change in our life (as I've been hoping/expecting from my present circumstances).  So of course!  Maybe I haven't given God the permission to really take me through suffering.  So there on my bed, the night before chemo, I started praying "God, I accept it.  I accept whatever suffering you want to bring now.  I accept as much nausea and vomiting as You need to really refine me".  (I know, it's kinda a stupid prayer)  But I was fully convinced that the suffering was to begin now. I texted my bff Jenise, and asked her to pray for endurance for me, because I felt like things were going to start getting bad from here.... Aaaaaand they didn't.  Yes, I am waaaay more tired than before and I can barely do anything.  But honestly, having to sleep like 10 times more than the average person... it could be a lot worse.  When talking with her this weekend, and discussing my "logic" behind the prayer, she asked me the question that revealed my ridiculousness: "Do you really think you would pray more hovering over the toilet?" Ummmmm... Good question.  It just sounds silly when you say it like that.

So many of you have been praying like amazing prayer warriors for me, especially regarding nausea, and I have felt your prayers.  I have felt them in the absence of real pain, and the absence of feeling miserable during this time that my oncologist frankly told me that she expected me to fare really badly in.  I have shared with you all my physical ailments, and prayers for physical comfort.  I have been so blessed by that.  I have seen the power of prayer.  I have felt it.  So, if I cannot seem to get it through my thick skull by doing it better myself, then I have no choice.  If I really want to change, to become more of a woman who is wholeheartedly after God's own heart, then I need to start presenting new prayer requests to my community who is so faithful to me.  I need to present the diseases of my heart for you to pray for.  God "impressed" upon me today as I was literally sitting in front of the computer crying while looking at foster care sites, looking at profiles of kids 12, 15, 17 years old that needed adopting, or fostering.  He impressed upon me that if I really wanted to foster, I REALLY needed to learn how to pray!!  I need to have it burned inside my chest that prayer affects things here in the real world.  (I actually considered asking everyone to STOP praying for me for a week, so I could really feel the difference, and see what the prayers are doing, but then I saw Jenise in my head saying "really?!?" and realized that that was stupid.  It is probably just the science teacher looking to do a "control group, placebo study" for prayer.  haha!)  So, as I sit now, I am thinking that I should stop telling God HOW he is to go about molding me and refining me.  I'm sure he has a much more mysterious way to go about it.  I just need to ask.  I need to ask those of you who are more advanced than I to pray for me.  Pray that God would move in my heart in regards to prayer.  I want to be a prayer warrior.  I want to understand (not in my head, but in my heart, in my VOLITION) the importance of prayer, of scripture, and other spiritual disciplines.  I am relying too much on what I can see with my own eyes, and progress that is quick enough to behold.  But most growth isn't.  Most growth is too slow to see at the time, seen only in retrospect and with comparison.   I don't know what else to say.  I'm a little spent.  There is my heart, for all to see.  Deal with it gently.

Feeling great today!!! And exciting news!!

I am feeling so great today!  I am NOT going to do what I did last time I felt great, which was run a ton of errands and help clean the whole house.  That caused a tanking of massive proportions from that day till today.  I'm not sure what I'll do with this new found energy.   Hopefully something productive while still relaxing.  (working on my Italian?  Binding a book?  Making some cards? ie: something productive but relaxing)

This has been a long time coming.  I've been in bed most everyday for most of the day hardly able to get up.  (But not nauseous!) I've had a gnarly sinus infection that made the whole right half of my face hurt, including my teeth (not fun).  But today!  Oh blessed today!  I woke up feeling pretty good!  AND!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (here is my big news that I'm so excited about)

One of my good friends, Rachel from Santa Barbara, texted me to see how I was doing.  We chatted for a while, and then suddenly she had an idea.  "Hillary!!  I'm going to New York to celebrate my 30th birthday from May 22-29!  All free lodging Hilton, Waldors Astoria, and Millenium Hilton!  Wanna? Wanna?!!"  Holy Cow!!!  Yes!!  Yes I would love to go to New York City with you and stay in a bunch of fancy hotels for free!!  (Just the hotels free.  Not the whole trip free).  It can't come at a better time!  That will be right at 2 months post chemo (so I should be back on my feet, I think?)  And her birthday and mine are 1 day apart (She's June 1 and I'm June 2) So it will be like a trip for BOTH of our birthdays!!  And it'll either fall on the week that John'll be gone for his high school senior trip, or it'll just give him a whole week to really work on his comps that he'll be taking at the beginning of June.

I am so excited!  This really gives me something to look forward to, and something to plan.  We are even going to see if we can get some SNL tickets!!!

OK!  I'm off to research all the possibilities!

(By the way, this is me looking REALLY excited!!)