So far so good!

I was really worried about this round since last round was such a beast.  But I am doing much better this time!  Mom's friend told her about this vitamin juice stuff (some sort of Mangosteen) and that he had started taking it and gone off coffee a year ago, and it just made him feel so much better. So of COURSE mom had to get some:)  She gave me some twice yesterday and started making comments on how much more energy I had.  Then when I got up today, she gave me some more.  I don't THINK there's any caffeine in it.  But even if there was, I think I would just feel as crappy as I did before but just awake and jittery.  I am sleepy, I walk like frankenstein because of the muscles in my legs, and I'll have to stop doing tasks because I suddenly lose function in my thumbs or pinkies.  You'd have to see it happen to laugh and realize that it's kinda funny.  It just sounds sad over words on the internet. (Martha, tee hee!) But all in all, doing much better this time.  (knock on wood...) I am not catatonic, I can speak at a semi normal speed.  I am up and about (which I was NOT last time).  So, praises to God all around!  And thank ya'll for praying:)

Oh, and some specific things for prayer: My white blood count is going down, which means my vulnerability to illness is going up.  (ie: immune system starting to tank)  It's not like, crazy bad right now, but low enough for them to have to give me some big fat shot on Friday when I go in to get unhooked.  And apparently the shot is supposed to make me super sore all over, because it is doing something to my bone marrow?  So, let's just ask the Lord is we can keep that to a minimum:)  But even if it isn't.  Even if it is the worst pain than I've ever had, BLESSED be the name of the Lord.

Hearbreak and relief

Well, my heart is breaking a little today.  As stated before, I have not been myself since last Thursday, and this is an OFF week for chemo.  (Which means it's probably not going to get better...)  This entire weekend, I tried to sleep, but no matter how much I slept, it still wasn't enough.  Sunday night, I felt like I was about to pass out the whole night.  Yesterday, Monday, I felt like I was about to pass out all day.  I went in to the hospital to get some fluids.  It helped some, but not enough. This morning, when I got up for work, I felt like I usually do: super sluggish.  However, unlike most mornings, this morning I just layed on the floor in front of the front door.  I wanted to call in and say I couldn't come in, but I knew that I had all the materials: the book, the keys, etc.  I couldn't NOT go in.  In summary, we had to finally make the announcement to the kids about my cancer, and subsequently that I would be taking an extended leave of absence.  I was trying to avoid this as much as possible, not only because of how much I love my kids, but because it was bringing in a good chunk of income.  We can survive without.  It will just be tighter.  And I talked with them (my bosses) before I left, and there is the possibility of me doing some curriculum work for them  (ie: creating some science curriculum).

As sad as I was to give make that announcement though, in some ways it was a bit of a relief.  The teaching part was the part that I loved.  Creating the lesson plans was really stressful though.  It really is a relief to not have to do all that on my down time.  Maybe I'll start hitting the "learning Italian" thing really hard now:)

On a good note, I did something on Sunday that I haven't done in a really long time: I did some photography!  It wiped me out a little, but it was a good kind of wipe out.  It was an "I can't keep my eyes open now, but I'm really, really happy" kind of a feeling.  I took my good friend Jenise out to my favorite shooting spot (White Rock Lake) and did some portraits that I've been wanting to do for a while.  So, here are some shots from the shoot!  (We were only out there for about an hour, so it's not like I went did crazy long shoot) Note: look closely at her glasses in the extreme close up:)  SELF PORTRAIT!

Something afoot...

I feel like there is something afoot in my body.  I have felt it for 2 days.  It feels like I'm getting sick, like it's just waiting to come, but it isn't coming.  I've laid pretty low since Thursday.  I haven't gone anywhere during the day and just rested.  I have gone out and done stuff in the evening, but it's only been chill stuff like watching the ranger game and going to a movie.

I had planned on going to a Halloween party tonight with John and some church friends.  I was really looking forward to it:( I think I've decided that I shouldn't be around anybody for the next 2 days.  I think this might just be what they are talking about when they say that my "immune system is compromised".  I think if I were around anybody that was even slightly sick, or had just been sick, I'd probably tank.  I'm going to just take some of the pills that cause me to sleep (the muscle cramping pills, maybe a pain pill, because my stomach really is hurting), and just try to sleep for the next 2 days.  Hopefully this feeling will go away by Monday.

Energy

I feel a little bad not updating more, but I don't have anything really exciting to report.  So, I'll just tell you how I'm doing:)  I've had more weakness after this round of chemo than I had previously.  I think I mentioned, I was all but catatonic the day I had the chemo thing strapped to me.  I was slowly gaining energy, and then I kinda tanked on Sunday again.  I thought I was feeling better, but then when John came to get me, he practically had to carry me out of the house.  We were supposed to pick up my car from the hospital, but there was no way that was going to happen.  We had some really awesome friends (thank you Victor and Shakiba!) who drove all the way over to the hospital, picked up my car, and then drove it back to our apartment.  Then, I had another friend, the girl that lives upstairs in our apartment building (Love you Tara!) actually baked me a huge gluten-free lasagna!  So awesome.  It has kept me fed all week so far.  The idea of cooking is just so exhausting to me.  I understand now why everybody and their dog makes food for people who are going through a death in family, or have had some accident or illness.  Food REALLY is the last thing you want to have to think about. 

Even though I felt as weak as I did, I still felt pretty sure that I could go to work on Monday.  After all, it was only for 2 hours.  I can muster energy for 2 hours.   I find that when I am at school (or around any number of people for that matter), I feel more energized.  That's the full on extrovert in me talking:)  It's like I have some sort of adrenaline rush (I don't know what else to call it.  I don't get hyper or anything...) and I just don't feel sick.  I feel exhausted afterward, and practically drop, but it's at least a few hours a day that I don't have to focus on how tired I am.  But really, I am not that incredibly more tired than how I would normally be during allergy season, so I can't really complain much.  (unless I complain about allergies.  I think I will.  They suck and I hate them.  They make me feel crappy.  OK, I'm done...)

I was preparing the lesson plans for my next Biology Unit, and came across something interesting: about 1/3 of the questions from the next unit deal with cancer.  Really!!??  I have to teach about cancer?!?  I've already sorta (informally) decided that I might have to just create super awesome lesson plans, condense all the cancer into 1 days teaching, and then be mysteriously sick.  I honestly don't know if I could be all talking about it and just be cool and casual.  I don't think I'm quite that strong.  I really don't think my work would blame me.  I just need to leave really good instructions.  On the other hand, it might be interesting to learn a little more about it...

Well, to top it off, I went in to get fluids today.  I have been going on my off Wednesdays, and I've noticed it doing wonders for my energy.  Also, I keep seeing the same people there, since we all have the same "usual" day (ie: Wednesday).  It's starting to be a big party every week.  A weird party... but a party.  Ha!  So, that's about all for now!

This week in chemo

I apologize for not updating sooner.  I really need to have John or my Mom give an update on weeks like this.  I went in for chemo on Wednesday, and it's been a groggy blur since.  When I was getting the chemo, they gave me a drug for nausea that was pretty powerful.  I remember sitting there talking to the people around me, and then felt the drug hit.  I had to excuse myself, layed down in my chair, and just went to sleep.  When it was time to leave, I was still so woozy that they had to wheel me out.  The next day, I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck.  I could barely crack my eyes open as mom came in and out making sure that I was well hydrated and fed.  When I tried to walk, my calf muscles seized up.  I'm discovering a somewhat painful, somewhat comical side effect of the chemo.  I am having muscles cramp up really bad.  In my calves, and in the right arch of my foot, it is painful.  The fact that it also targets JUST my thumbs though, is kinda funny.  My thumbs keep contracting so that they move towards my palm (like you were signaling the number 4).  I was sitting there trying to use the remote control, and I couldn't!  I couldn't move my thumbs.  Come on, you have to admit that that's kinda funny:)

Anyways, when I went back in on Friday to get unhooked, they had to wheel me back up, because there was no way I could walk that far.  Daniel, one of the men who is always there at the same time as me, told me how he had had the same thing with the chemo drug that we are both on.  Dr. Le came in and said that yes, that was something that happened to some people, and gave me a prescription for it.  Apparently, it doesn't have anything to do with your muscles per say.  It is more a nerve thing, where the nerves are firing electrical impulses to contract the muscles.  The medicine helps counteract that.  It also makes you really sleepy.  Most the medicines I have make me really sleepy, so I am trying to take them only when I need them.

I am feeling a bit better today.  I took the nerve/muscle drug last night and it seems to have helped.  Everyone is gone today, so my friend Diana has come over the "babysit" me:)  I am loved.

Awesome weekend

I am wrapping up one terrific weekend.  I watched a movie and talked late into the night with one of my best friends Friday night, had a nice walk feeding some ducks with a girlfriend Saturday afternoon, went to her dinner and birthday party that night, and had lunch with some people after church today.  (And then promptly took a much needed nice long nap upon returning home!) I feel super blessed that I felt as good as I did.  I was able to spend a lot of time with friends this weekend, before having my next round of chemo.  I think that being around people helps a whole lot.  When I am wrapped up in talking with them, I don't feel my body as much.  I go back in on Wednesday for another round, and I'll go to my parents place for the next several days while I'm hooked up.  I gotta admit, I am really not looking forward to it.  (Duh, right?)  I don't know if this is true or not, but I am expecting the nausea to get worse and worse each round.  Last time, I didn't feel OK until Sunday, late afternoon.  If I go any longer than that with the nausea, I'll have to miss school, which I don't want to do.  Please pray that the nausea and sickness/exhaustion will go away in time for me to be back at work on Monday.

Bird's nest hair

A girl in my Bible study reminded us of an old adage that I like.  It is mainly in regards to how we deal with negative thoughts or feelings.

"You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can keep it from building a nest in your hair."

Love the imagery.  This has been me today: