Great day today! Big day tomorrow...

Well, it's almost 1:30 and I can't sleep.  I think it's a mixture of 2 reasons: all the caffeine I had this afternoon in celebration of the END of chemo!!! It was such a lovely party.  I couldn't have asked for more.  So that is one possible reason.  The other is ironically the opposite, and that is the fact that my next PET scan is tomorrow.  My head is fine.  My head says "No sweat!"  My body says, nausea, shake, freak freak freak out...  I wish I could quiet my body up.  It's the emotional teenager, and my brain is the calm collected adult that tries to quell the mass hysteria as much as possible.  I remember the last few PET scans I got.  I couldn't sleep before them either.  Why would today be any different? And do I have to go through this insomnia twice, since I have to wait till Wednesday to get the results?  I'm glad we had the party when we did, so that even if I get not so great news, we at lease got to formally celebrate the end of chapter 1. 

My old pastor, Britt Merrick, has a little girl who has been battling some gnarly cancer for a while.   One of his most recent posts sums up my thoughts exactly.  They were going in to get her next scan.  He wrote "If it shows that she has no more cancer, we will praise the Lord!  If it shows that does still have cancer... we will praise the Lord."

I know I've said this verse before, but I really mean it.  I'm too tired to look up where, but it's in Job when his wife is telling him to "curse God and die" from all the crap he was experiencing.  To which Job replies "Shall we accept good from the Lord, and not evil?  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

It is what it is, and it will be what it will be.  I hope and pray that I am all clear, all healthy, and well on the path to start dancing again!  But if not, then that is OK too.  I have more to learn.  And if anyone knows me at all, they know one thing: I LOVE to learn!

Here's a picture I took tonight of some Tulips that someone gave me.  I'd like to think that it doesn't represent me.  I'll have to think of some other explanation than the obvious.  I welcome other captions and interpretations!!  Bring em on!

Anyway, I call it the defeated tulip.  Poor little guy looked so sad.  I had to photograph him!

Party, and deep thoughts about gender

So, first things first: I told y'all I would update you on when the party was going to be.  Sorry this is a little short notice, but it will be next Sunday from 2-5 at my parents house.  If you don't know where that is, go ahead and comment and I'll email you.  (I figure they don't want me publishing their address for all to see...)

Next... I had a random thought about Biblical gender as seen at the VERY beginning.  Don't ask me the entire process that it took for me to get to this thought.  The inner workings of my mind move very fast and very randomly.  I'll just say it all started with eating berries, and morphed from there.  haha!  So, according to the Bible, both male and female encompass attributes of God.  In fact, you cannot even begin to understand God without taking both of those roles into account.  Men have that protective, pioneering, authoritative, cultivating, warrior aspect.  (This is a very broad generality of course...) Women, have the softer, wise, care taking, nurturing, loving, tender, gentle aspect.  Both of these are aspects of the God that we serve.  He created male and female, because in them is the fullness of God expressed.  That being said, you have to imagine that when he first created Adam, he was already planning on creating Eve.   Otherwise, mankind would only reflect part of Himself.  But He kinda doesn't let Adam in on this little fact.  It occurred to me that God treated man at the very beginning the way men like to be treated now: they need to figure it out on their own.  Adam had to come to the realization that he wasn't complete.  In fact, God let him go through EVERY animal searching for the perfect "helpmate" and let him grovel in the fact that none could be found.  It was then, and only then, that God created Eve.  At that point, Adam was more than ready to receive:)  But it is interesting how God allowed him to go through that entire process of "figuring it out for himself" (ie: not asking for directions) before He came through with His provision (Eve). 

It seems like such a silly thing, but I found it rather amusing.  There really is something built in, something good, about men's propensity to need to figure things out themselves.  Even God himself respected it.  It is wise to seek counsel of course.  The Lord is very clear about that throughout the rest of scripture.  But there really are times to just let them work it out, even if we already know the answer.  Wisdom and grace are shown by knowing which time is which though. 

[Disclaimer: John has no problem asking for directions.  He calls me his "little GPS"]

A song for the brokenhearted...

This song is for my sister, one of the strongest women I know, if not THE strongest.  This is one of my favorite songs of all time, because it does more to describe the Christian walk as I've found it than the really Christian happy-clappy songs where you apparently always feel like rejoicing.  That has for sure NOT been my experience all the time.  There are times when you can feel God right there next to you through the storm, and then there are times when you can't feel Him at all.  It is in those times that we have to rely on what we KNOW to be true, and not what we FEEL to be true.  

2 Corinthians 4:18 ^" So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

It woulds be super duper if we just "felt" God's presence with us all the time.  But that doesn't allow us to grow into maturity.  If we loved only when it was easy, it isn't real love.  It is pragmatism.  I don't want John to love me because it's pragmatic, and because things go his way when he does.  And I don't want my love to be based purely on what I get from him.  Such "love" is immature.  God desires to have that deep love, thick and thin, come hell or high water (horrible choice of cliche I know... but roll with it.) kind of love with us.  He wants us to grow strong, as I would want for my children to (were I to have children...). 

Anyway, this song is for all those times when you don't understand what He is doing.  You don't even know where he is.  But the truth IS that He will never leave us or forsake us.  Period.  This song is for you sis.  (I know... more my style than yours... but hopefully you still like it.) 

 (Oh, and I didn't really get the whole guy tied up thing in the video until the end.  I think it's the idea of being in bondage that is really more of a choice.  When you stop struggling against it, and just let go, that is when it ceases to have control over you.  That's what I garnered anyways...)

Never Alone lyrics

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No No No
I needed you today
So where did you go

You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there

[Chorus]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side

So, I'll hold tight to what i know
Your here and I'm never alone.

And though i can not see you
And I cant explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life 

We can not separate
Cause your part of me
And though your invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We can not separate
Cause your part of me
And though your invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

The beauty of suffering

I got hit with some news today that shouldn't be shaking me up as bad as it is.  One of my oldest friend's brother is separated from his wife.  Broken marriages seem like they should almost be the norm nowadays, and yet it still messes with my head, even when it isn't MY close friend.  I've been sitting here all morning sorta ruminating on it, feeling pangs of a broken heart that I'm sure are miniscule in comparison to his, and letting tears slip down my face that I'm sure are barely a drop in his bucket.  I don't care what the statistics are.  A broken marriage is worthy of a cry.  Shoot, 100% of life ends in death, and we still mourn that!

I was on my knees just praying for him today, and I started to feel a little guilty.  Why? Because part of me was delighting in the beauty of the situation.  I know that sounds horrible, so let me explain... I don't know what exactly is going on in the situation.  But I have caught a glimpse of something beautiful.   I have caught a glimpse of a loving God wooing his child back to himself.  And for that, I am rejoicing. 

I started sensing this joy that I was feeling and started wondering "Am I sadistic?!?!  How can I rejoice in any PART of this!  Am I THAT uncompassionate??!?!"  I felt ashamed.  But I kept thinking about it.  And I was reminded that THIS is the joy that comes with suffering.  It all depends on perspective and what you value.  I value anything that brings us closer to a loving God, because that is where true joy contentment, and peace reside.  And I can say this loudly because I feel I have put my money where my mouth is.  I feel like I have earned the right in some regards to speak about joy within suffering.

When I was diagnosed last year, I felt a joy.  I felt a joy and an excitement because of what I saw happen with my mom all those years ago, and I was legitimately excited about being refined in the same way.  Did I ENJOY it?!?! Ummmm... read the blog... However, would I change it?  No.  I feel able to feel joy in his suffering without fear of hypocrisy, because I reacted the same way with mine.  I don't say that to sound all cool and spiritual.  I say that because I want to stress that it doesn't come from some academic knowledge of suffering, and it doesn't come as some trite Christian cliche, coming from someone who just dosn't know what to say in the face of real pain, but feels the burden to say something.  It is coming from my heart.


 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1: 2-4)

"...For the joy set before him he endured the cross..." (Hebrews 2:2)

"⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
   “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
   and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
   and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." (Hebrews 2:6 quoting Proverbs 3:11-12)

 


Suffering sucks.  Plain and simple.  But joy is entirely about perspective and values.  It says about Jesus "But for the joy set before him, endured the cross."  Joy?!?! There was joy on the cross?  Ehhhh... yes and no.  There was joy, because of his perspective and values.  His perspective was "this is temporary" and his values were us.  This temporary act would allow him relationship and fellowship with us, and we with him.  Boom.  Joy.  There's joy in cancer?  Perspecive: "this is temporary".  Values: This will refine me, cultivate compassion, cultivate patience, teach me how to sit still!  It will make me a more beautiful person in general.  Boom.  Joy.  Having a baby?  Easy one!  Spring football training?  Again, temporary.  Values?  Stronger, faster, more powerful, and more chiseled for da ladies!  I could go on and on.  Give me your suffering, and we can find some piece of joy in it.  It all depends on what you value though.  If you don't value the refinement, no joy.  If you do not value a closer walk with a loving God?  No joy.  Joy only comes when the thing that is reaped is bigger and better than the thing that is sacrificed. 

All that being said, I don't know how I could handle something happening in my marriage. I don't know if I would want to be given the testimony of how a marriage can recover from an affair (like a friend of mine has).  I don't know if I could handle John dying.  I got to watch a girl I knew in high school go through a year long struggle after her husband's accident, and finally lose him.  There is no shred of the somewhat surfacy "Christian girl" that I had known.  Instead there is this amazing woman who has more strength than I could ever imagine, and I don't know if I would come through the same situation as beautifully as she.  But the again, "God doesn't give us the grace while imagining a situation.  He gives us the grace when we are in the situation."  I have no idea who said that to me, but I'll never forget the words. 

I think the most tragic situation in the world is someone going through a whole lot of suffering and gaining nothing from it.  It is definitely a choice what you are going to do with suffering.  Choosing to let it drive you further away from a God who loves us like his children... well there is nothing more tragic than that.  So, while I hurt with my friend's brother, while I pray, and while I cry, I do not "mourn as those who have no hope."  Through my tears, I rejoice.  I rejoice because I am seeing the seeds of beauty welling up in his life.  And for this, I wish I knew him better, so that I could cheer him on face to face.  

And if you are out there and know who you are, know that I am rooting for you.  I am rooting for your marriage and restoration.  I am rooting for how the Lord is revealing his faithfulness to you in the situation,  and I'm rooting for that little seed that you allowed me to see that testifies to the man you are becoming through the situation. 

I'm DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

As of Wednesday, I was unplugged for the LAST time!!!  I am elated.  I am on cloud nine.  I am sore and feel like my body has been poisoned... But I don't care!!!!  I'm done!!  Now begins the slow process of healing from all the chemo.  I am wondering if they picked 12 sessions because it is based on years of research of what the body can really handle at a time.  I know that there are plenty more people out there who are still unsuccessful at shrinking their tumor, and have to go much longer.  But I can't imagine how.

My good friend from high school Diana took me in on Wednesday to get unhooked, and as we left, I had this big goofy smile on my face.  We decided to have a little celebration lunch (which I chose poorly by suggesting Mexican... not good right after chemo...) and when we got to the parking lot, she asks me "How do you feel?"  I said "On cloud 9!"  And then the emotion just started to overwhelm me.  I'm done.  At that point I started to tear up.  And then while we're sitting in the car waiting to go in, I just say "I think I need to have a little cry."  And I just started bawling and sobbing into my hands.  Thank goodness I had another girl with me!  Any guy would have started freaking out I'm sure.  (They're such weeny weirdos when it comes to women crying in front of them.)  It felt good.  It was a good cry, not a bad one.  It was a cry of relief, release, and thankfulness. 

I'm done, but I'm still not whole yet.  I still feel pretty ick like I normally do after chemo.  But I'm going to keep getting better, and I don't get kicked down in another two weeks.

Here's the video from when they celebrate your last "hook up".  I had my phone camera all ready!  I wanted to record it!  And of course they came when I was in the bathroom.  Mom tried to start filming, but pushed some other button and I kept having to tell them "Wait! Go back!" so I could get it.  So, they're are kinda laughing about that.  You'll hear me telling Mom "Don't touch anything!" when I had her the camera, haha!  I love her:)

Here's my Psalm of the day.  My mom gave me the idea to start interposing the word "cancer" whenever I see "enemies" in the Psalms.  I don't see myself as really having "enemies" per say...

Psalm 18:1-3
¹ I love you, LORD, my strength.
 ² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
   my shield^[b] and the horn^[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
 ³ I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
   and I have been saved from my {cancer}.  haha!

Just FYI, Mom and I are planning on doing a "Hurray!  No more chemo!" party in about a month.  So be looking for details:)

And in case you are curious, I'll be having another PET scan in about 4 weeks to make sure I'm still clear and a bone density check, since there is the possibility that I have lost some bone density from being on bedrest for so long.  If I've lost density, it'll just mean that I need to really eeeeeeaaase back into working out and being active because it's essentially like having osteoporosis where I can get get fractures really easily.  I'm hoping it shows up as "not a problem" (the official medical lingo...)  My plan is to get back into shape by taking dance classes.  Can't do that if I'm on the verge of breaking a hip.

Another shout out to all those who have been awesome with keeping me fed!  You are amazing, and I'd probably weigh about 75 pounds without you.  Thank you to Urla who has been taking me for fluids every monday!  And thank you all for your prayer support.  I have felt it so much.  I pray that I would continue to learn the power and importance of service through being a real prayer warrior.  Still working on that:)

Chemo postpones again AAARRRRGG!!

I had high hopes for this one.  I wasn't feeling too "knocked on my butt" lately, and I haven't been bleeding for about a week, so naturally I thought my blood was up and my platelets were fine.  I went in for fluids today, and it turns out that my numbers are worse than they have ever been.  My white blood count is the lowest its ever been (risk of infections), my hemoglobin is about 3 pints low, and my platelets, good heavens!  42!  (normal = 130-500)  This makes me think that the Lord is for SURE watching over  me and my blood.  Every time I've dipped below 60, I've had crazy bleeding sessions (from my nose, from the pin prick where they stick my port).  So, the fact that I haven't been bleeding makes me think that the Lord is supernaturally holding my blood together, because it for SURE shouldn't be!  Thank you daddy:)  And even though my blood (hemoglobin) is low, I haven't felt that whole "pass out weak" feeling.  Of course, maybe I just haven't noticed it because I've been all rolling around sneezing, sniffling, running, crying, scratching my eyeballs out instead.  It's actually made me question if I might actually prefer nausea over these allergies.  (of course I say that NOW...)

I felt really great after getting fluids today.  I got two bags because I figure I'm pretty dehydrated seeing as it's all coming out my nose.  (yummy!  Better than blood though, am I right?!?!)  I think those two bags helped a lot.  Oh!  And I've noticed an improvement in my chemo brain since they took down my dose of oxylaplatin last time!  I had my first intellectual conversation in MONTHS on Sunday!  It was positively thrilling.  (It's the first time my brain has been able to track with more than small talk and banter.)  So that's good too.  With all my extra energy today, I did about 5 loads of laundry.  I'm pretty proud of myself right now.  I feel downright domestic like!

I'm rescheduled to try again on Monday, so please be praying that my blood would get a swift kick in the pants by then.

Doing much better than last round

Well, I am pleased to say that I am doing a lot better than the last round.  I think this is mainly due to them taking my oxaliplatin down 25%.  It's amazing what that little 25% does!  It is the difference between feeling miserable, hopeless, and defeated vs... well, less miserable but hopeful.  I didn't think it was physically or psychologically possible to go through two more of what it was like last time.  But now, even though I'm not looking forward to it, I feel like "Yeah. It's all good.  I can take one more. " One more folks!!!  Can you believe it?!?!?!  Why, it only feels like a million years since I got diagnosed!  This time has just flown by, like a snail on a turtles back (while sitting atop a truck on 635 during rush hour)!  Haha!

As for levels, I'm not sure what they are right now.  My lovely, wonderful, giving, amazing aunt who always takes me in on Mondays had to attend to her own mother going into the hospital this week.  (We're praying for y'all Urla!)  So, I didn't get to have my blood taken.  I think I'm doing OK though.  I'm having some bleeding, but it's not out of control, which tells me that I'm at LEAST in the 60's.  (Usually, in the 50's is where I can't clot).  I've been eating my pineapple faithfully every day.  I am really hoping that I still like pineapple when this is all over and done with.  I already know that I sorta relate belgium waffles and potatoes to cancer.  ( I used to treat myself to belgium waffles right before chemo every other week.  I no longer have ANY craving for them.  And I had to subsist on potatoes for a good month or two around when I first got diagnosed)  So, I hope that my feelings for pineapple will not follow in the way of Pavlovian response.  I am scheduled for my next chemo a week from today.  I will make sure that someone has my video camera app open when the staff comes in singing and bringing me balloons to celebrate the last chemo.  It will be posted and I will have a big goofy grin on my face.  (granted, that will partially be from the adivan... weeeeeee!!!!) 

Thank you for all of you who have brought food, and thank you again to my mom.  If nothing else, I think this whole experience has shown me what it looks like to serve someone else completely and selflessly.  Both she and my husband have gone so far above and beyond what I ever thought possible.  I am truly blessed. 

So, with all that cancer crap out of the way, I can move on to being truly miserable from ALL THE FRIGGIN' POLLEN!!!!  I mean, holy cow!!  Is there anyone else out there who has been a snotty mess all week?  I have just stayed inside, and kept all the doors and windows CLOSED.  I have even doubled up on allergy pills (which I don't think you are technically supposed to do...) and even THEN my eyes have been all red, and my nose tickling and runny.  I can literally see a green dust all over the stuff on our porch.  Here's a gorgeous picture to remind people how beautiful I am, even on my worse days...

Aren't I lovely?  Thank you Texas pollen!!!