Harry Potter was awesome!!

Last night was sooo awesome! On the tickets that we printed out, it said to get there early because the theater was overbooked to account for no-shows.  John and I left in what we thought was plenty of time, and it just took sooooo much longer to get there than we thought.  I was so scared that we would get there and they would be full up and turning us away.  I was thinking "What a horrible story that would make!"  So, I started praying (again!) that God would let us get there in plenty of time and get good seats.  I was calling the theater to see how many people were already there, and they told me that a pretty sizable crowd had already gotten there, but they weren't full quite yet.  I was dying!!!  So, we got there (still 30 minutes early) and I had John drop me off at the front and SPRINTED inside!  Obviously (from the title) we got there in time.  But that isn't the coolest part!  When I went into the theater, it was pretty much full except for seats at the very, very front (where you get neck problems) and some on the far, far side.  I decided to go searching anyway.  I kept seeing seats, but they all had jackets across them, or purses.  I kept walking up, and I saw 2 seats, but one had a purse in it.  For some reason, on this particular seat, I decided to ask "Is that seat taken?" The girl next to the purse was like "OH!  No, that's my purse."  The seats were up about 4-5 rows from the top, and pretty close to the middle.  They were AWESOME seats!  After sitting there for a while, I started to chat with them.  I asked what time they had gotten there, thinking probably like 5:30 or something crazy like that.  Nope. 3:00!!!!!!  They had been there since 3:00!!  We got seats so good, that the people next to us had been there since 3!  Apparently people had started lining up at 8:00 that morning.  (Nerds...)  So, God was not just good getting us the tickets.  It was like He had actually saved us awesome seats! 

I won't give away too many details so I don't  become a "spoiler" site:)  I CAN say, "Pay attention!".  There is so much story packed in there, that I want to see it multiple times.  The one thing I'll never understand though is why Hermione likes Ron and not Harry.  I know it's in the books and all, but I wish they would give Hermione and Ron a few more attraction/tense scenes where you can feel the chemistry and stuff.  As it is, it seems like there is always that unspoken chemistry between her and Harry.  Of course, now I'm starting to sound like a total nerd, so I'll stop:)  It was such an awesome night though!  I was so excited yesterday, that it gave me a burst of energy and I cleaned and did laundry!  Of course, I crashed about an hour before the movie started and was about to fall asleep for the rest of the night.  But I still had a huge goofy grin on my face until I layed down to go to bed!  Thank you again Michelle!  It was a "magical" night:)

Michelle Agonafer I love you!!!!!

I can't believe it!  I am so excited!!!  A friend from John's and my old church entered my story into a contest for an advanced screening of Harry Potter and WON ME TICKETS!!!!!!!!  I am so excited!  I almost feel like I should dress up... Thank you so much Michelle!!!!!!!  (And thank you Jesus. I'm pretty sure you had a hand in this:)

Here's her essay:  (the topic was supposed to be "Who is your favorite Harry Potter character and why")
 I am going to tell you up front, that if I win tickets to this advance showing, it is not for me, but for a friend who I don't really know all thatwell. First: My character preference: I am sure that most girls would say that Hermione is their favorite character. I am not one to argue, I love Hermione. Though she has her weaknesses, mostly in the form of pride and arrogance, her strengths lie in her loyalty and determination to do the right thing. Not many times do you find someone so determined to be excellent, who is yet so willing to betray and possibly lose scholastic standing, all for the sake of doing what she thinks is right, be it helping out bumbling Hagrid, or sneaking out in an invisibility cloak with her best friends. I really identify with the fact that she is a half-muggle, being a half-breed myself. Constantly feeling the need to prove myself "hispanic enough" or "white enough" depending on the circumstance, and always falling short is very frustrating. I love the fact that the BEST in class at Hogwarts is not a part of the good ol' boy club, but instead a headstrong, halfbreed with a messy head of hair and a penchant for trouble.
 Now that I've told you why I love Hermione, I would like to recommend that you give the tickets to a girl who is named Hillary Morgan Ferrer. She reminds me of Hermione in a lot of ways, she is intelligent, well spoken and very strong. You see, right now she is battling cancer. I am friends with her on Facebook and she mentioned entering a contest, and really hoping she wins, because this week is a chemo week and she won't be able to go again till next week. This really touched me, such a simple lamentation, not being able to go to a movie, while she is in the fight for her life. It is in this http://www.hillary2point0.blogspot.com/ blogpost that she talks about it. I can tell you that she is a young woman, a friend, and a great wife. I don't know if this is the contest she talked about entering, but if it is, please give her tickets. If she didn't please give them to me and I will pass them onto her, or give you her info so you can give them to her yourself. It would mean so much more than a movie, it would be an answer to a small prayer. Thanks so much for your understanding, and I really hope she wins!

 Sincerely,
Michelle Agonafer

I am totally crying.  I feel so blessed, and so loved.

Catharsis and rambling thoughts

Well, I think my crisis of yesterday has passed.  It needed to happen I guess.  Probably won't be the last time.  My mom is awesome and came over to clean the gunky stuff of counters and floors, and help me change the bed sheets.  It has done much more for my state of mind than I expected.  We talked about how I needed to really get out of the house.  It is not good for me to be here so much.  She suggested looking into some volunteering stuff.  I agreed.  I called children's hospital today, to see if they needed any tutors for some of their in-patient oncology kids.  I explained my situation (about me having cancer too) and she said that I would probably have to get a written approval from my Doctor to do anything, since my own immune system will also be so compromised.  I have a feeling it won't work out.  But I'll keep looking for something.  I want to be around people.  Unfortunately, people have germs.  I'll figure something out.  It will be a fun research project.

I am getting out of the house today.  I am going to go on a walk, and do some light leg workouts at our gym.  I think I need to start doing this multiple times a week.  My muscles are getting sorta atrophied, and it will probably give me energy to work out.  Just not right away:)

I said a really stupid prayer this morning.  Someone made a comment on facebook about advance screening tickets of the new Harry Potter movie, and I got all excited because I had really wanted to go to it on opening night, but it is on a chemo week, so I can't.  However, the advance screening is on Monday, and I could make that!  But you have to win the tickets.  So this morning, I sent up the stupidest prayer ever and was like "Lord, please let me win those tickets!"  I've been saying stupid prayers like that since this summer.  Right before everything came down this summer, when I was having all those tests done, and we didn't know what was the matter, God did something cool.  He started answering all these little prayers, over and over.  Usually it was in regards to me being exhausted, and please let this client cancel.  And they would cancel.  God, I can't do that shoot today, please let it rain.  And it would rain.  God, please let that client randomly forget our appointment and not be home.  And they had forgotten the appointment and weren't home.  There were all these little tiny prayers.  God isn't in the business of being a cosmic Santa Clause, and just giving us whatever we want.  But He was making a statement to me, and I heard it loud and clear.  He was saying "I am paying attention to you right now.  I have not forgotten you."  It was His way of showing me that He was listening to every little thing I was saying and reminding me that He was all powerful to accomplish any little detail that He desired.  I think He did that for that whole month before my diagnosis because He knew that I would need that security of knowing that I was ever present before His eyes, and that what was happening was in His full view, and that I could trust.  And I do.  He might not (and probably won't) give me the Harry Potter tickets, but it's worth asking, because I know he CAN.  And I ask for stupid things like that now.

Warning: super depressing post

Sorry this is depressing.  It is just how I feel today...

I feel lonely today.  Brutally, painfully lonely.  I feel like the shut in, who lives life peeking through cracked curtains in their living room, looking out onto the outside world.  Except for me, it's facebook.  I sit in my house, not really feeling confident enough to even drive, and just surf over everybody else's lives.  "Catching up" with them in a completely one sided way.  I make comments, and I chat with a few of them.  But it isn't the same.  Nope, I can't make your birthday party, or this or that event.  That's a chemo week.  I can feel myself starting to wallow.  It isn't pretty.  I just sat here and cried, for the first time since my diagnosis.  It actually felt pretty good.

I decided to call my mom.  I have been getting increasingly more and more depressed at the state of our apartment.  It is embarrassing.  When I was first diagnosed, my church offered to set up a care calendar with people who could come help with housework and food and stuff.  I felt at the time "It's a 700 square foot apartment.  I can't imagine it getting too out of control.  I'm sure I can handle it."  If you hear a smacking sound, that is just me, eating my words. 

Mom didn't even bat an eyelash.  She is going to come over as soon as she is done with her ride.  What did I ever do to deserve such an awesome family?  Thank you God. 

No bone pain!

I am very pleased to announce (hopefully not too soon, knock on wood) that I have NOT had any bone pain from the latest shot!  My energy levels have been going up and down depending on how many doses of meds I need for the muscle spasms and other assorted pain.  (I have some random back spasms that  I think are probably from a night of sleeping wrong, probably needing chiropractor work,  because they don't feel like the other spasms in the rest of my body.  Hopefully I can get that taken care of sometime this week, if it doesn't go away on it's own.)  SO!  Thank you you all who have been praying for me.  I was a little nervous about the effects of the shot.  And for all of those who are praying for the nausea, as of today I have only "gotten sick" twice from the chemo, which is a miracle for someone with such a sensitive stomach as I.

I am finally allowing myself to relax for the first time in who knows how long.  Since I do not have to worry about work, and lessons, and deadlines, I feel free to be sick for the first time.  That sounds like a crappy kind of "freedom" I know, but for those of you who know me well, that is actually a pretty liberating milestone for me.  There is much sleep taking place, and without guilt.  I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before the restlessness really kicks in, so I am already preparing for a myriad of productive ways to occupy my time that do not involve deadlines or necessity.  (I'm thinking about trying to organize and album the 10 billion pictures I have in our storage unit.)

However, one of the things I am currently doing (as of last night) is helping John with his research.  He submitted an article to a journal/magazine that was meant to be a mere "opinion" piece (ie: research based, but without all the fancy citations and much shorter than an actual article)  However, they liked it so much that they requested that he turn it in to a full blow article for their publication.  I am helping him out by collecting specific sources for each of the claims that he is making in the piece.  I could really see this as something that I might want to do in the future.  I may not be a good "helpmate" in terms of cooking and cleaning.  But by golly, I can research with the best of them!

And last, but no least, I just want to give a shout out to the Kingston's.  Anne, I have really enjoyed getting your letters.  Jack, I loved hearing first hand about the work that you are doing in Washington and abroad.  Congratulations on your re-election!

So far so good!

I was really worried about this round since last round was such a beast.  But I am doing much better this time!  Mom's friend told her about this vitamin juice stuff (some sort of Mangosteen) and that he had started taking it and gone off coffee a year ago, and it just made him feel so much better. So of COURSE mom had to get some:)  She gave me some twice yesterday and started making comments on how much more energy I had.  Then when I got up today, she gave me some more.  I don't THINK there's any caffeine in it.  But even if there was, I think I would just feel as crappy as I did before but just awake and jittery.  I am sleepy, I walk like frankenstein because of the muscles in my legs, and I'll have to stop doing tasks because I suddenly lose function in my thumbs or pinkies.  You'd have to see it happen to laugh and realize that it's kinda funny.  It just sounds sad over words on the internet. (Martha, tee hee!) But all in all, doing much better this time.  (knock on wood...) I am not catatonic, I can speak at a semi normal speed.  I am up and about (which I was NOT last time).  So, praises to God all around!  And thank ya'll for praying:)

Oh, and some specific things for prayer: My white blood count is going down, which means my vulnerability to illness is going up.  (ie: immune system starting to tank)  It's not like, crazy bad right now, but low enough for them to have to give me some big fat shot on Friday when I go in to get unhooked.  And apparently the shot is supposed to make me super sore all over, because it is doing something to my bone marrow?  So, let's just ask the Lord is we can keep that to a minimum:)  But even if it isn't.  Even if it is the worst pain than I've ever had, BLESSED be the name of the Lord.

Hearbreak and relief

Well, my heart is breaking a little today.  As stated before, I have not been myself since last Thursday, and this is an OFF week for chemo.  (Which means it's probably not going to get better...)  This entire weekend, I tried to sleep, but no matter how much I slept, it still wasn't enough.  Sunday night, I felt like I was about to pass out the whole night.  Yesterday, Monday, I felt like I was about to pass out all day.  I went in to the hospital to get some fluids.  It helped some, but not enough. This morning, when I got up for work, I felt like I usually do: super sluggish.  However, unlike most mornings, this morning I just layed on the floor in front of the front door.  I wanted to call in and say I couldn't come in, but I knew that I had all the materials: the book, the keys, etc.  I couldn't NOT go in.  In summary, we had to finally make the announcement to the kids about my cancer, and subsequently that I would be taking an extended leave of absence.  I was trying to avoid this as much as possible, not only because of how much I love my kids, but because it was bringing in a good chunk of income.  We can survive without.  It will just be tighter.  And I talked with them (my bosses) before I left, and there is the possibility of me doing some curriculum work for them  (ie: creating some science curriculum).

As sad as I was to give make that announcement though, in some ways it was a bit of a relief.  The teaching part was the part that I loved.  Creating the lesson plans was really stressful though.  It really is a relief to not have to do all that on my down time.  Maybe I'll start hitting the "learning Italian" thing really hard now:)

On a good note, I did something on Sunday that I haven't done in a really long time: I did some photography!  It wiped me out a little, but it was a good kind of wipe out.  It was an "I can't keep my eyes open now, but I'm really, really happy" kind of a feeling.  I took my good friend Jenise out to my favorite shooting spot (White Rock Lake) and did some portraits that I've been wanting to do for a while.  So, here are some shots from the shoot!  (We were only out there for about an hour, so it's not like I went did crazy long shoot) Note: look closely at her glasses in the extreme close up:)  SELF PORTRAIT!